As of February 1, 2016 frequently-unfrequent blog posts by me can be found at
www.somewhereisb.blogspot.com
Showing posts with label moving on. Show all posts
Showing posts with label moving on. Show all posts
Monday, February 1, 2016
Sunday, September 15, 2013
From Youth Pastor to volunteer
This post was started a few weeks ago...
I went to Youth Group last night. I sat around the fire pit and talked with people. I ran after the dodge balls that flew past the group. I gave and received hugs. I sat in the back on the ugly and uncomfortable seating and listened to the youth volunteer speak. I listened to God say "It's not about where you are going, it's about who you are going there with." I stayed afterwards and talked with a couple of others and was one of the last to leave.
I also watched the group. The youth knew what was happening. They had the routine down. They went with the flow. They did what they were asked. They laughed, they played, they listened, they prayed, they interacted with their friends...sometimes with the others.
I watched the leaders. They engaged the youth, they joined in the fun, they talked to each other and then they left.
I watched my friend, the Youth Pastor. I knew he had put hours in beforehand setting things up. I saw the weariness on his face. I saw him enter into the game, letting go and playing for a few seconds, the tiredness on his face easing. I saw him specifically go sit next to kids just to talk. I saw him sit next to the one kid who needs just a little bit more attention while the volunteer youth worker was speaking. I watched him head outside, as the group ended, to sit around the fire, talk with kids and greet parents as all his volunteers stayed inside...talking with each other.
Just the night before I had sat and listened for awhile as he shared the burdens on his heart. I heard my own story in his words. I heard the weariness, the frustration, the disillusionment with church people, the burden of too much on his plate. I heard it all and understood. I see the signs and I pray, oh how I pray, that God reveals the path ahead of Youth Pastor friend soon...and selfishly hope that path doesn't lead him away.
Sitting in the back, joining the group for the first time, being in a youth group setting for the first time since I left my own two years ago (wow, that seems so long ago!), knowing the back story, I made a decision. I made a decision not be the typical volunteer leader who comes just before group starts and leaves just after it's over. I may have worked all day, commuted up to 3 hours round-trip and have to get up early the next morning to do it all over again. I may show up just before group starts just because I can't get there any sooner but I will be one of the last to leave. I will be the volunteer who hangs out and listens to Youth Pastor when he needs to download the nights events. I will be tired at work the next day but that doesn't matter. The spiritual and emotional health of Youth Pastor friend is more important.
It's been a few weeks since I started attending youth group. I'm slowly finding my way and I think that God may have put the desire to volunteer on my heart, not for the benefit of the teens, but to be an encourager and supporter of the volunteers. Don't get me wrong, there are definitely some teens that need some one on one attention I will gladly give...but a couple of the volunteers, they may actually be the people I am at youth group for. It's a new road, a new journey, a new tale to tell.
I went to Youth Group last night. I sat around the fire pit and talked with people. I ran after the dodge balls that flew past the group. I gave and received hugs. I sat in the back on the ugly and uncomfortable seating and listened to the youth volunteer speak. I listened to God say "It's not about where you are going, it's about who you are going there with." I stayed afterwards and talked with a couple of others and was one of the last to leave.
I also watched the group. The youth knew what was happening. They had the routine down. They went with the flow. They did what they were asked. They laughed, they played, they listened, they prayed, they interacted with their friends...sometimes with the others.
I watched the leaders. They engaged the youth, they joined in the fun, they talked to each other and then they left.
I watched my friend, the Youth Pastor. I knew he had put hours in beforehand setting things up. I saw the weariness on his face. I saw him enter into the game, letting go and playing for a few seconds, the tiredness on his face easing. I saw him specifically go sit next to kids just to talk. I saw him sit next to the one kid who needs just a little bit more attention while the volunteer youth worker was speaking. I watched him head outside, as the group ended, to sit around the fire, talk with kids and greet parents as all his volunteers stayed inside...talking with each other.
Just the night before I had sat and listened for awhile as he shared the burdens on his heart. I heard my own story in his words. I heard the weariness, the frustration, the disillusionment with church people, the burden of too much on his plate. I heard it all and understood. I see the signs and I pray, oh how I pray, that God reveals the path ahead of Youth Pastor friend soon...and selfishly hope that path doesn't lead him away.
Sitting in the back, joining the group for the first time, being in a youth group setting for the first time since I left my own two years ago (wow, that seems so long ago!), knowing the back story, I made a decision. I made a decision not be the typical volunteer leader who comes just before group starts and leaves just after it's over. I may have worked all day, commuted up to 3 hours round-trip and have to get up early the next morning to do it all over again. I may show up just before group starts just because I can't get there any sooner but I will be one of the last to leave. I will be the volunteer who hangs out and listens to Youth Pastor when he needs to download the nights events. I will be tired at work the next day but that doesn't matter. The spiritual and emotional health of Youth Pastor friend is more important.
It's been a few weeks since I started attending youth group. I'm slowly finding my way and I think that God may have put the desire to volunteer on my heart, not for the benefit of the teens, but to be an encourager and supporter of the volunteers. Don't get me wrong, there are definitely some teens that need some one on one attention I will gladly give...but a couple of the volunteers, they may actually be the people I am at youth group for. It's a new road, a new journey, a new tale to tell.
Tuesday, July 2, 2013
Where do I belong?
It's silly. The other day on the RevGals facebook page (yes, I check in once a day even though I'm taking a break and lately I've been using that darn site for work! geesh!) there was a question posed...what denomination are you?
One question and I suddenly felt very sad. Answering that question used to be easy. PC(USA) all the way. In my heart I am still very much a PC(USA) girl. But in real-churchgoing-life, I am no longer a PC(USA) girl. I still hold membership in a PC(USA) church but that's only because I haven't officially sent my membership termination letter. They won't be PC(USA) for long, either, as things look right now...the sadness deepens.
I would love to attend a PC(USA) church and there are 3 others in town. One is pseudo PC(USA). As soon as they can figure out how to do so, they are out. The other 2 are very traditional in their worship and, well, that's just not me.
So I found a place where I feel I being "fed", to use christianese and even more importantly, where I was welcomed enthusiastically and I go there. Right now I attend a church associated with the Conservative Baptist Association. My values and the values of many in the church do not match up. I don't plan on ever becoming a member, but for now this is where God has me. I treasure the people there but I don't agree with their viewpoints on many subjects and yet, I find myself drawn to this loosely associated Conservative Baptist Church...but I don't really feel like I belong. I don't claim the denomination as my own. I just happen to attend the church right now.
All of that said, it was such a simple question and yet my heart broke, one more time, as I looked at this journey of faith and recognized I don't have a true denomination that I call home. In the grand scheme, it truly does not matter, it is simply another word that gets in the way of faith and hinders us from viewing God without restriction...but that word was also a piece of my identity, another part left behind in this journey of faith. Why does growing in faith have to be so hard sometimes?
So, to answer the innocently asked question, my name is Brittany. I don't have a true denominational home anymore. The day I do, I will let you know.
One question and I suddenly felt very sad. Answering that question used to be easy. PC(USA) all the way. In my heart I am still very much a PC(USA) girl. But in real-churchgoing-life, I am no longer a PC(USA) girl. I still hold membership in a PC(USA) church but that's only because I haven't officially sent my membership termination letter. They won't be PC(USA) for long, either, as things look right now...the sadness deepens.
I would love to attend a PC(USA) church and there are 3 others in town. One is pseudo PC(USA). As soon as they can figure out how to do so, they are out. The other 2 are very traditional in their worship and, well, that's just not me.
So I found a place where I feel I being "fed", to use christianese and even more importantly, where I was welcomed enthusiastically and I go there. Right now I attend a church associated with the Conservative Baptist Association. My values and the values of many in the church do not match up. I don't plan on ever becoming a member, but for now this is where God has me. I treasure the people there but I don't agree with their viewpoints on many subjects and yet, I find myself drawn to this loosely associated Conservative Baptist Church...but I don't really feel like I belong. I don't claim the denomination as my own. I just happen to attend the church right now.
All of that said, it was such a simple question and yet my heart broke, one more time, as I looked at this journey of faith and recognized I don't have a true denomination that I call home. In the grand scheme, it truly does not matter, it is simply another word that gets in the way of faith and hinders us from viewing God without restriction...but that word was also a piece of my identity, another part left behind in this journey of faith. Why does growing in faith have to be so hard sometimes?
So, to answer the innocently asked question, my name is Brittany. I don't have a true denominational home anymore. The day I do, I will let you know.
Thursday, April 25, 2013
A tale from the journey
I sat in a room with 12 other people listening to the presentation overviews being given. Nervous energy raced through my body. My fingers anxiously picked at the rough skin of my right thumb, looking for one dried loose piece of flesh to tear away. My right foot danced up and down, a telltale sign of the uncertainty in my mind. I could feel it coming. My turn was next.
Steeling my resolve I met the meeting's leaders gaze head on, though everything in me wanted to revert to the hard and fast rule in school "never look authority figures in the eye!" I was next. And so I began.
"Fifteen months ago I walked into Mr. So-and-So's office for a job interview..." Two or three minutes later I was done. The overview for my presentation given. I sat back in my chair and let out a breath of relief. That's when I heard Mr. So-and-So say, "I think we hired the right person."
They didn't know, those 12 people, that the last time I made a presentation to a group of adults was in a church. They didn't know that last presentation was on my most favorite Scripture passage in the Bible. They had no way in knowing that in the last presentation I gave I talked about standing on a ledge, looking over a gap wondering if I enough faith to take the step, the leap of faith if you will, to change my world.
I sat back in my chair, took a cleansing breath and felt, for the first time in a year and seven months, confident. I have no idea where life is taking me. I do not know where I will be a year from now but today I am relaxing into the role I have found myself in, grateful for the leap of faith that has brought me here.
Steeling my resolve I met the meeting's leaders gaze head on, though everything in me wanted to revert to the hard and fast rule in school "never look authority figures in the eye!" I was next. And so I began.
"Fifteen months ago I walked into Mr. So-and-So's office for a job interview..." Two or three minutes later I was done. The overview for my presentation given. I sat back in my chair and let out a breath of relief. That's when I heard Mr. So-and-So say, "I think we hired the right person."
They didn't know, those 12 people, that the last time I made a presentation to a group of adults was in a church. They didn't know that last presentation was on my most favorite Scripture passage in the Bible. They had no way in knowing that in the last presentation I gave I talked about standing on a ledge, looking over a gap wondering if I enough faith to take the step, the leap of faith if you will, to change my world.
I sat back in my chair, took a cleansing breath and felt, for the first time in a year and seven months, confident. I have no idea where life is taking me. I do not know where I will be a year from now but today I am relaxing into the role I have found myself in, grateful for the leap of faith that has brought me here.
Sunday, February 10, 2013
Ministry for the moment
For the last year and a half I have been wondering what my place is within the church. Changing churches has made the question even more pronounced. While I knew people at New church, they had no real idea about my gifts or talents. They welcomed me in, and I have enjoyed being a pew "sitter".
Friday afternoon I was thinking about the weekend and the thought ran through my head, "On Sunday I am sitting in the balcony at church." Most Sunday's Yo Momma and I sit on the comfy but creaky chairs on the main floor. Yo Momma is an extrovert and she likes the interaction with people. I am definitely an introvert and I like to hide. Yo Momma has been out of town, so the balcony was beckoning.
Then the phone rang.
A couple of weeks ago the phone rang at 3:30pm on Saturday. On the other end was the piano player for the first service...the guitar player and leader was sick, could I fill in? It was either say yes or don't go to church (that Sunday was a combined service.) I said yes.
Friday afternoon was at least 24 hours more notice than the time. So much for sitting in balcony.
After church (everything went well) I was talking with someone about the opportunities for ministry that we either ignore or follow God's leading. I suddenly realized this is my ministry, for the moment. I am the back-up worship leader. Most Sunday's I will sit in the pews and participate from there. Every once in a while, though, I will respond to the last minute call or even those a couple weeks with advance notice.
My ministry is to be a support to those in the spotlight all the time, to give them a week off every so often and to fill in at the last minute when life happens.
So in two weeks I will fill in for the first service and two weeks after that I will fill in at the church around the corner and after that, well I will just wait and see where I am asked to go next.
Just call me the worship leader substitute.
Friday afternoon I was thinking about the weekend and the thought ran through my head, "On Sunday I am sitting in the balcony at church." Most Sunday's Yo Momma and I sit on the comfy but creaky chairs on the main floor. Yo Momma is an extrovert and she likes the interaction with people. I am definitely an introvert and I like to hide. Yo Momma has been out of town, so the balcony was beckoning.
Then the phone rang.
A couple of weeks ago the phone rang at 3:30pm on Saturday. On the other end was the piano player for the first service...the guitar player and leader was sick, could I fill in? It was either say yes or don't go to church (that Sunday was a combined service.) I said yes.
Friday afternoon was at least 24 hours more notice than the time. So much for sitting in balcony.
After church (everything went well) I was talking with someone about the opportunities for ministry that we either ignore or follow God's leading. I suddenly realized this is my ministry, for the moment. I am the back-up worship leader. Most Sunday's I will sit in the pews and participate from there. Every once in a while, though, I will respond to the last minute call or even those a couple weeks with advance notice.
My ministry is to be a support to those in the spotlight all the time, to give them a week off every so often and to fill in at the last minute when life happens.
So in two weeks I will fill in for the first service and two weeks after that I will fill in at the church around the corner and after that, well I will just wait and see where I am asked to go next.
Just call me the worship leader substitute.
Thursday, November 1, 2012
An appointment in Star$
I missed the 7:25 a.m. bus today. By two minutes or so. If I had made the last stoplight, I probably would have been fine. But I didn't make that last stoplight and I sat there, watching the time click away and no cars go the other direction and knew I was going to miss the bus. The light changed, I turned and saw the bus, turning out of the Bus Center and sighed. 20 minutes til the next bus or drive to work? It was raining, traffic would be heavy, K works down the street from me today, I had a ride home...20 minute wait it was.
I pulled into the Post Office, dropped off some mail and headed to Star$. Of course, there was a line. I looked at my watch, making sure I had time to wait and get back to the Bus Center. I looked up and at the head of the line was a former youth group member. To be fair, he only came to youth group a handful of times in 8th grade, but still. Now, this could have gone one of two ways. He could have looked at me and looked way pretending to not know me (be honest, we've ALL done that!) but he didn't. He smiled. I smiled and waved Hi. The next thing I knew he had paid and was heading back to my place in line to say Hi. A semi-stilted conversation began (give me a break, introvert, 7:30 a.m., I rarely want to get into conversations before 10 a.m., I despise small talk, stilted was the best that I could do). The conversation was interrupted as I ordered and paid and still he stood there, waiting. So I tried again and then, then, conversation began to flow. By the time his coffee order was ready we had been laughing and relating to each other like adults. The shift had happened. It wasn't former youth director and former youth group member, but adults talking about life, about work and about our days.
I've been waiting for this. It's hard, oh so hard, to let go of trying to shepherd and care for the flock that God allowed to wander near me for years. I gather with them and still feel like I'm supposed to keep them safe from wolves and lead them to, well, something. Part of it is my natural instincts and gifting but part of it is them, not being able to, maybe not wanting me to let me put down the shepherd staff and just join the flock. They've done an amazing job at including me and I am beyond blessed and honored to call them friends but still, there are times when I sit there and realize, I'm still in the shepherd role. This journey has been challenging and there is a long road still ahead.
So, today I missed the 7:25 a.m. bus. I had an appointment in Star$ and wound up being a 1/2 hour late for work (rain+windy road=bad traffic) but it was an appointment I needed to keep. I just didn't know I had made it.
I pulled into the Post Office, dropped off some mail and headed to Star$. Of course, there was a line. I looked at my watch, making sure I had time to wait and get back to the Bus Center. I looked up and at the head of the line was a former youth group member. To be fair, he only came to youth group a handful of times in 8th grade, but still. Now, this could have gone one of two ways. He could have looked at me and looked way pretending to not know me (be honest, we've ALL done that!) but he didn't. He smiled. I smiled and waved Hi. The next thing I knew he had paid and was heading back to my place in line to say Hi. A semi-stilted conversation began (give me a break, introvert, 7:30 a.m., I rarely want to get into conversations before 10 a.m., I despise small talk, stilted was the best that I could do). The conversation was interrupted as I ordered and paid and still he stood there, waiting. So I tried again and then, then, conversation began to flow. By the time his coffee order was ready we had been laughing and relating to each other like adults. The shift had happened. It wasn't former youth director and former youth group member, but adults talking about life, about work and about our days.
I've been waiting for this. It's hard, oh so hard, to let go of trying to shepherd and care for the flock that God allowed to wander near me for years. I gather with them and still feel like I'm supposed to keep them safe from wolves and lead them to, well, something. Part of it is my natural instincts and gifting but part of it is them, not being able to, maybe not wanting me to let me put down the shepherd staff and just join the flock. They've done an amazing job at including me and I am beyond blessed and honored to call them friends but still, there are times when I sit there and realize, I'm still in the shepherd role. This journey has been challenging and there is a long road still ahead.
So, today I missed the 7:25 a.m. bus. I had an appointment in Star$ and wound up being a 1/2 hour late for work (rain+windy road=bad traffic) but it was an appointment I needed to keep. I just didn't know I had made it.
Tuesday, June 5, 2012
Imposter
Creative Guy and Adventure Boy are hanging out with me tonight. I picked them up on my way home for work. I hadn't gotten out of the car yet and Adventure Boy was asking me to come help them with whatever thing they were doing. Eventually, after much confusion and talking and "come, look" moments, I rounded them up and headed for the car. We were almost there when Adventure Boy looked at me and said "why are you wearing those girl clothes?". Well, I am a girl...but I get the point. He's used to the jeans and t-shirt Brittany. The dressed down Brittany. Not office girl. I'm not used to her either.
The other day I was thinking I was looking good, had it altogether, looked down and realized that my shoes were falling apart. Bought new ones and they looked like granny shoes...granny shoes my granny wouldn't even wear. Bought a replacement pair and they look awesome in jeans (haven't tried them in work clothes) and make me 6 ft tall. Literally. I put an outfit together another morning, turned around to get the rear view and quickly decided a longer shirt was in order. I.can't.win. On the upside, the Office Coordinator for the building I work in told me how much she liked the sweaters I wear. Tiny win. And my hair hasn't been completely awful, well, after I went to my favorite hairstylist ever and said "Wash the gray out." I am owning being my Grandma O's granddaughter. I don't care if my hair is a different color each time you see me, just as long as it isn't completely gray yet. Can't go there.
I feel like an imposter most days, which just further solidifies that while I'm doing what I'm doing for the moment, it's just not the right thing. I'm not unhappy, just not settled. Still wondering what God is up to.
The other day I was thinking I was looking good, had it altogether, looked down and realized that my shoes were falling apart. Bought new ones and they looked like granny shoes...granny shoes my granny wouldn't even wear. Bought a replacement pair and they look awesome in jeans (haven't tried them in work clothes) and make me 6 ft tall. Literally. I put an outfit together another morning, turned around to get the rear view and quickly decided a longer shirt was in order. I.can't.win. On the upside, the Office Coordinator for the building I work in told me how much she liked the sweaters I wear. Tiny win. And my hair hasn't been completely awful, well, after I went to my favorite hairstylist ever and said "Wash the gray out." I am owning being my Grandma O's granddaughter. I don't care if my hair is a different color each time you see me, just as long as it isn't completely gray yet. Can't go there.
I feel like an imposter most days, which just further solidifies that while I'm doing what I'm doing for the moment, it's just not the right thing. I'm not unhappy, just not settled. Still wondering what God is up to.
Wednesday, March 7, 2012
The first week
It's 2:45pm. I'm at work. Yes, I am blogging. Why? you ask. Well, it's something to keep my mind occupied and right now there is nothing.to.do. I've been through the job website, I've filed the papers that I could, I've read the magazines and organized the folders I have. I've called the people I'm supposed to call, sent the emails I needed to send. I answer the phone on the 2nd ring (don't want to appear to eager) and have researched all the things that I can research for now. I know that in a month or two things will pick up. Heck, tomorrow things could pick up, but right now, it's pretty-kinda-sorta quiet.
It's only been three days. I can already tell you that I like the two office coordinators, they have been awesome, that there is a gentleman who eats his lunch precisely at 12:30pm everyday, at the same table. Maybe tomorrow I will get his name. I can tell you that the chair I'm using right now is awful...I definitely need to get another one. I can also tell you that I'm not so much a fan of the amount of gas it's taking to get from home to here and back. The bus/light rail and an extra 1 1/2 hours each way of commute is looking better and better.I'm starting to slowly add things to the office that will make it mine but also theirs at the same time. Tomorrow I'm going to bring a picture in...this one on this post, actually. There isn't a window in this 133 sq. ft. office, so I need something to "look out". The beach is good. :) I added my picture cube today, along with my Louisiana pencil...it has an alligator on it. I can be business, but fun is always lurking beneath the surface.
Tomorrow the computer arrives, along with the printer. And hopefully more work will follow. Until them, I'll just be grateful for a new job...and I am.
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