Pondering change courtesy of The Walking Dead

Somehow I became a fan of the TV show The Walking Dead.  If you know me in real life, you are probably just as surprised as I am. I don't like horror movies and do NOT like to be scared.  Zombies are not my usual fare. I am not ashamed to admit, I watch the show with my finger on the mute button. The zombie moans and sounds of heads being bashed in are too much for me. (Yo Momma would be recounting the story, right about now, of how when I was little I was watching something and got scared, prompting me to cover my ears and say "I don't want to watch, I don't want to watch."  It was the noise that was the problem.)

I got sucked into The Walking Dead by one of AMC's marathons.  I think I originally started somewhere in Season 3.  I got to know the characters after they had been entrenched in this zombie apocalypse for awhile.  They had this zombie thing pretty much under their belts and were dealing with the human conundrum.  I never went back to watch the first seasons, until the latest AMC marathon.   I got sucked in, again, but this time for another reason.  I sat there, looking back to the beginning of the show, amazed at how much changed in such a short time. Not only in the story line but in the characters themselves.  I "met" old-but-new-to-me characters.  I marveled at the differences in the voices of characters.  Really, go listen to Glenn in season one and then go listen to Glenn now...his voice has changed.  I almost didn't recognize Carol.  And Darryl...WOW!  He actually talked, a lot, those first couple of seasons...and his hair was really short.

It's just a TV show but marveling at the differences between season one and season five, I began to think about real-life.  We all go through changes, most are not nearly as extreme as the zombie apocalypse, but many are extreme and really tough to deal with just the same.  I wonder what I would marvel at if I was able watch a movie of my life...or my friends lives...or my family members.

I know that I'm not the same person I was 10 years ago or even a year ago.  I can look at family members and friends around me and say the same thing.  Our circumstances change us.  We adapt and, hopefully, grow with each new situation we find ourselves in.

The last few years have brought about a lot of changes in my life.  Some expected, some unexpected.  There are many I would like to go back and get a do-over on, but one thing is for certain, with each change comes new growth, new vision, new wisdom, new opportunities and a reminder that I have a responsibility to make something out of my life, right now.  I can just sit by and watch the days go by or I can choose to get up, to walk out the door each morning and participate in the life I've been given, changes and all.

Maybe, that's why I've connected so much with The Walking Dead.  These characters have found themselves in a situation where they are forced to adapt to the changes of the world around them, or die.  It's fascinating to see the metamorphosis of the characters as they learn to deal with the situations in front of them and fight to survive, as best they can, accepting the good and the bad inside of themselves.

Sunday night, as exhausted as I was from a super long day, I found myself staying awake, waiting for 9pm and the beginning of a new season of The Walking Dead.  It was gross and awesome and there was more humor amidst the darkness than I had noticed before.  I actually laughed out loud a couple of times...huh, change?

Commuting

When I started this commuting thing, three+ years ago, I never really thought about how long I would be driving over the Big Hill.  It has gotten old. 

Now, I don't have the commute that some people do down in Southern California, where the road just washed out and now a 1 hour straight commute has become a 3 hour round-a-bout commute.  Or when going 10 miles down the road takes 50 minutes.  My commute is 35 miles, one way.  It can take an hour to an hour and 45 minutes, depending on the day or the time of year.   Yesterday it was 1 hour and 40 minutes.  There was an accident.  This morning it was 1 hour and 15 minutes...I missed the accident by 10 minutes.

On my computer at work, on my Kindle, on my cellphone I have the CHP traffic website and SIG alert bookmarked.  I check them before I leave work.  I check them before I leave home.  I check them while on the road when traffic stops and we sit and sit and sit. (Not while the car is in motion, and, yes, I still know it is illegal here in CA.)  More than once I have made different decisions about going straight home after work because of those websites. 

When Papa Bear was in the hospital, I started driving myself, instead of taking the commuter bus, to work every day.  Before that I was pretty much a regular bus rider.  I'm very irregular since.  I've needed the hour plus to myself each morning, preparing myself for the day and the hour plus on the way home to decompress.  I've gotten good at crying and driving.

I've gotten used to sitting in traffic. 

I know that the right lane, on the Big Hill, usually moves faster when we are in stop and go traffic and going down the hill. 

I can tell the people who are "city folk" and don't know how to drive the windy road of the Big Hill.  Here comes a curve...BRAAAAAKKKKKEEEE.  It's straight ZOOOOOOOOOOOOOOMMMM.

I know that those who weave through traffic are usually the cause of some of the traffic as those they cut off slam on their brakes. 

I also know those who weave and race through traffic are usually just two or three cars ahead of me at the light in town.

I know that when I am in a hurry, I make stupid decisions in the car.  I work really hard to not be a hurry. 

I know that there are more people traveling to work in the Big City who have to travel the Big Hill, which means there are more people employed and that is a good thing.  So I work on my patience and get up a little earlier or stay a little later and just go with the flow as best I can.

That doesn't mean that I don't get frustrated with those who won't move out of the left lane of traffic and let people who want to go faster pass them.

I know that the roads around work get super busy at 5pm and if I leave after 5pm, it's a guaranteed 20 minutes to go three blocks.  If I leave around 4:30pm it's not so bad. 

I've learned that no matter what direction I go after 5pm, it will take 20 minutes to get to the main freeway, no matter what.

I've also learned that in heavy traffic, people make up their own rules of the road...which pisses off this rules girl to no end!

After three years, the biggest thing I've learned in commuting is a huge appreciation for the Moms and Dads who commute everyday to their jobs.  Those who have children at home waiting for dinner or who need to do homework or have soccer practice or gymnastics or swimming or whatever it may be.  I get home and I don't usually have any responsibilities but to water the plants, feed the birds, eat dinner (and if Yo Momma is home she is most kind to have dinner ready) and get ready for the next day.  I'm in awe of the Moms and Dads who commute over an hour to work every day.  They are awesome.

That said, after three+ years the commute has gotten old.  I would not be sad to not have to commute anymore for work.  I would be very happy with a 10 minute commute again. Maybe one day it will happen.

Gotta go.  It's time for bed...I have an hour plus commute in the morning.

Today's truth

I keep starting posts and not finishing them.

I have things to say.

I start strong but I can't get through to the end, to the final thought or statement.

36 unfinished posts sit in my draft folder.

I have things to say...

I just can't find the energy, the creativity, the drive to finish my thoughts.

That is today's truth.

Memories of Memorial Day

Last year I spent Memorial Day sitting by Papa Bear's bedside, with the gradual realization hitting my soul...I was losing my Dad.  By the end of the day, I had first hand experience with what happens when a crash team is called into a room at a hospital. I stood in the corner, trying really hard to be brave and strong.  Really, I was falling apart.

The crash team was accompanied by the hospital chaplain, a woman, which made me extremely happy.  She made her way into the room, stood by my side, put her arm around me and said, "This is your dad?  Can I pray?"  I'm pretty sure I fervently said yes, please and then she prayed.  I don't remember the prayer but I remember the moment and the comfort I received, being reminded that God was there.

The past year has been tough.  Really, really tough.  In the last year I've realized that I didn't just lose my Dad that week, I lost one of my best friends.  The friend that greeted me each day when I came home.  The friend that I talked politics with, watched Giants (baseball) with and the Jon Stewart show on occasion.  I lost a friend who helped me see beyond myself and my little world, who urged me to explore, cheered me on and made me laugh, even when I really didn't want to laugh - I cannot tell you how frustrated that skill made me as a teenager!

A month or so after Papa Bear died, I was in Star$ and ran into a friend.  It was one of those days where I had woken up crying and just continued to cry throughout the day.  I was holding it as together as I could, while getting my coffee before going to work, when I saw this friend.  He came over and said "How are you?" and the tears started again.  This friend looked at me, with the wisdom of someone who knew about grief and said "It comes in waves.  Just ride the waves."

This week, I'm going to be riding the waves.  The waves of memories of the week when life changed irrevocably, the waves of pain that have been hidden under a protective layer for a few months, the waves of loss and loneliness.  Yep, this week I'm going to be riding the waves.  I miss my Dad...a lot.

Well Hello...

Long time no see.

Yes, I still exist.  Yes, I do remember I have a blog.  Yes, I do miss writing here.

I'm finding writing difficult, these days.  My work days have me up between 5:45 and 6:30am, depending on the day, out the door by 7:25 (at the latest) and home between 5:45pm and 6:30pm...depending on the day. There is a span between Tuesday evening and Thursday evening that I usually don't even see Yo Momma...and we live in the same house!  The last thing I want to do have energy for when I get home from work, in the two or so hours before I go to bed, is think and write a blog post.

The weekends aren't much better.  Being a true introvert, my Saturdays are usually spent trying to recharge so that I can call up all the energy I need to pretend to be an extrovert for work on Monday...and church on Sunday.  Add in the weight of grief and depression I've been dealing with for awhile now, and well, I just don't want to think very hard on the weekends either.

The time that inspiration does strike I'm usually either,

1. In the car driving to or from work.
2. At work.

Neither of those times are conducive to writing a blog post, so the blog sits, waiting for attention.

Actually, a lot of things, and people, sit waiting for attention.  I just don't have the energy, mental, physical or emotional.

I've struggled with the guilt of seemingly letting people down.  It is difficult to navigate the road of other's expectations and my own mental and emotional health.  I've had people try to shove guilt on my head and I've had people look me in the eye and say "You have permission to focus on yourself, to take care of yourself."  I'm trying to listen to the latter group.  What I realize is that I am not the person I was in April 2014.  I've changed...life has changed, not just in the last year but in the last three years...and I can't go back to being the person I was.

I'm wounded.  I'm healing. The scars are still fresh and painful to the touch.  I'm waiting for the day when they just ache but that's still a long ways off.  Until then, I get by the best I can.  It's all I can do at the moment...and that's enough.

Where am I going...I don't know

I had a visitor in the office yesterday.  He just showed up.  We hadn't met before but he had a couple of questions, knew the office address so he came by.  Seeing as how I send out monthly newsletters to over 3000 people and the office address is on the newsletter, I'm actually surprised I don't have more unexpected visitors.
This gentleman sat and talked for quite a while.  He has a heart for helping those in need, for helping people find their voice and using that voice to better the world and their lives.  I think I answered his questions...actually, I think he just needed someone to listen, and so I did the job required of me for that moment.  As he was getting ready to leave, he asked me, "So, what great things are you going to do?"  My answer, which is standard when I don't haven an answer was, "That is a great question.  I have no idea."

It's true.  I have no idea.  I know that I'm marking time on the calendar, making check marks next to the days and there is a placeholder where my future goals are at the moment.  Some of that is residual from starting a new chapter in life 3 years ago, taking a leap of faith into the great unknown.  Some of that is the continuing journey of grief and knowing that my soul is still healing.  But really, I just don't know where I am going or what I want to be when I "grow up".

What I do know is that I have a job.  A good job, with good people.  But a job that doesn't completely satisfy my soul.  I do know that I have a story to tell and a desire to help other people.  I do know that I can do more than what I am doing right now...I just don't know what that looks like.  I don't know where I'm going.

Growing up, I developed a love for a non-typical Clint Eastwood movie called "Paint Your Wagon".  The movie was musical of sorts, set during the California Gold Rush.  Ever since my visitor yesterday, I've had the chorus of one of the songs in my head...

"Where am I going?
I don't know.
Where am I headin'?
I ain't certain.
All I know is I am on my way."

I know at some point in time, I'll look back at this period and life and connect the dots.  I'll have new stories to tell and new revelations but until then, I don't know where I'm going...all I know is I am on my way.

(The video below is not from the movie...but the song is!)

Nit picking people

We've all met them...people who find fault with every.little.thing.

I usually handle these people as gracefully as possible or avoid them as best I can.

In my current job, avoiding isn't always possible.  One person I interact with, on an almost daily basis, finds something wrong WITH EVERYONE.  I, of course, have to send items to them for review and they always come back with "YOU" did this wrong or "YOU" did that wrong.  That is usually followed by a phone call telling me again why it was wrong and then they go off on a rant about the 50 other people who have done something wrong in the last hour that had to be corrected by this individual.  I recognize the insecurity of the other person behind their nitpicking.  I see the hidden feelings of inadequacy and recognize they are trying to feel better about themselves by making others look "worse".  I get it but I don't like it.  Sometimes I just get tired of it all.

I'm not a perfect person. I mess up.  A lot.  I apologize for my mistakes and try not to beat myself up too much...because really, I want to be perfect and every mistake reinforces the knowledge that I am not now nor will I ever be perfect.

There are times when my skin is thick enough to take criticism and nitpicking.  I let it roll right off of my back and move on to things that are of more importance.  Right now is not that time.  My skin is pretty thin.  I'm having a hard enough time just getting up to go to work in the morning; putting on an extra layer of toughness just isn't happening.  Everything feels personal, whether it is or isn't, justified or not.  My emotions are right at the surface and tears come forth without warning...sometimes I don't even realize they are rolling down my face.

I'm a little extra touchy these days, a little extra weary, very low on grace and just barely hanging on.  So to all you nit-pickers out there, if you pick on me and I start to cry, well, don't say I didn't warn you.  

A little levity

I recently moved items around in the office, so that I had better access to a filing cabinet and because I was bored.  Really, really bored.

It didn't take much work, I pushed my desk towards one wall, moved the filing cabinets around a little and all of sudden the room just opened up.  I had space again!

Now, the scanner and lateral filing cabinet are accessible by a push of my feet and a roll of my chair.  It's quite fun, especially with the plastic chair mat that makes rolling oh-so-easy.

The mat doesn't go far enough, though, and sometimes, to get to the vertical filing cabinet, I wind up rolling off and have a hard time getting the chair back on.  Still, it's a little fun that makes the day better.

Yesterday, I was pushing myself around the office when all of a sudden I went flying one direction and the chair went the other.  I'm not even sure how it happened.  I literally pushed myself out of the chair.  I caught myself before I wound up face first into the laser printer stand but for a moment I had this flash of black eyes and broken wrists.  It wasn't pretty, that flash of premonition.  I was glad for two things:  1 - that I was able to stop the disaster before it happened and 2 - that my office door was closed as I hurtled myself off the chair.

I'm a little more cautious today, as I roll back and forth between the scanner and the desk.  I don't really need a repeat performance...but I can giggle about my close call with black eyes and broken wrists.  It's all in a day's work!  =)

Road Construction ahead

Every day I drive the same road.  Driving south, I head to work.  Driving north, I head home.  I've been driving this road since I first got my license many a year ago.  The road hasn't changed much.  There have been new patches of concrete/blacktop added here and there.  A couple of stoplights have been added.  But the overall road hasn't really changed.

Driving south, I'm familiar with the bumps, the turns and where the potholes are that I want to avoid.  Driving north, it's the same.  There are some times (and I know this isn't a good thing) that I can drive this road and not really see much.  I'm on auto pilot.  I drive to work.  I drive home.

Recently, they have been working on the road at night.  Cutting down through the concrete to get to the water pipes below the road.  Honestly, they are making a mess of a once okay road.  Should it ever rain here in California again, there will be new potholes and bumps to avoid.

This road construction has meant one way traffic control.  The northbound traffic is now diverted into the southbound lane, past the construction.  The other night, as I drove northbound in the southbound lane I realized this road that I was so familiar with, had suddenly become something completely different.  The bumps and curves were different.  I was driving the same road but everything had changed.

The bumps and curves that I knew so well traveling south in the correct lane, felt different and unfamiliar traveling north.  I didn't know how to anticipate the road anymore.  I suddenly felt disoriented and was very glad to move back into the correct northbound lane as I passed the construction zone.

This road realization has a direct correlation to my life.  I'm traveling the same roads yet somehow the lanes have switched and everything is different.  The bumps and curves are hard to anticipate. I'm doing the same thing I was doing before April 29th and June 2nd.  Yet, I'm driving on the "wrong" side of the road because there's this big gaping hole that I'm maneuvering around, ever aware of it's presence and achingly aware that the hole is going to remain open and under construction for a very, very long time.

Driving north in the southbound lane...it's a whole new adventure.

"I know this will pass, however..."

"I know this will pass, however..."

I read those words from a Christian dealing with a bunch of stuff in their life and they caught my attention.  The litany of things this person is dealing with is long.  There are things on that list that break my heart.  There are hard things, seemingly easy things, things that take up brain space and heart space and in general make a person weary.  And yet, instead of being able to state the crap in life, put it out there on the table and walk away there was an addendum, "I know this will pass..."

One simple sentence and yet it held so much guilt.  What I saw behind the statement was "I shouldn't be feeling this way", maybe that awful cliche of "God doesn't give us more than we can handle" (click here for the best blog I've ever read on that horrid misrepresentation of scripture) or the even more vile "God's just testing me" notion.  Behind that statement was a denial of self that, however noble, spoke volumes.  We aren't allowed to feel what we feel because...this too shall pass.

Sometimes I feel like the Christian world works overtime to hide the humanness within us all.  We are supposed to be above it all, and yet, we are human.  We are frail.  We get tired, angry, happy, sad.  One minute we can be overflowing with joy, the next despair.  From one second to another we can be calm and then overwrought with anger.  It's the way of life, it ebbs and it flows. Emotions happen.

I am so sad when I hear people disregard their hurts, their worries, their sorrows because, well, we're supposed to "buck up" and remember "this too shall pass."  Yes, yes it will but until the current problems dim, lets just face reality, shall we?  Life hurts sometimes. It's not always fun and joy filled. 

In those moments, instead of passing around cheap cliches (that actually do more harm then they help, in my humble opinion), let's look at the person who is hurting and call the spade, the spade.  Let's acknowledge the pain, the sorrow, the joy, the anger, the depression, the fear, the burdened shoulders.  Let's stop hiding behind the fear that God won't show up and save us from this (again, it's my humble opinion but isn't that what we are really saying with those cliches?) and just come right out and say it.  "I am overwhelmed.  This hurts.  I've had enough.  I'm scared.  It all just feels way to much for me to handle right now."

Papa Bear has been more emotional the last few weeks, as he has every right to be. We all have.  Tears come readily and easily as we contemplate the road ahead.  I have stopped myself, corrected myself several times when Papa Bear starts to tear up and I start to say "AGH, Don't cry!" (which I recognize is more a self preservation thing for me than about him.  If he cries, I cry.)  I've retracted that statement over and over reminding both of us to feel whatever we are feeling, be it tears, laughter, sadness, anger, joy, the emotions are valid and we need to feel them, to work through them as we walk this path.

Hello, my name is Brittany.  My family is going through some pretty rough stuff right now and we're all a little scared and anxious about what tomorrow will bring.  Thanks for listening.

Curve balls

Last Sunday afternoon I found myself flipping channels.  On one station was a really awful horror movie, the type I NEVER let myself watch because my imagination already runs rampant enough.  But there I was, my attention caught, as this cross between a human/bat kinda thing that was called a creeper stalked down unsuspecting humans.  It was an awful movie.  I will never go in a cornfield again.

On the other channel was the Hallmark movie of the week.  Some schmaltzy equally awful romantic something or another that clearly wasn't as captivating as the human/bat creeper because I kept going back to that channel.  Back and forth I went between the two until the creeper thing came to an end and then, well I wasn't going to watch Final Destination 2 or 3 or whatever it was, so I wound up on the Hallmark channel again.

Later that evening I was with a friend, relating my day spent watching two awful movies and beating myself up ever so slightly for wasting my day when the 2x4 of reality hit me over the head...watching those two movies was really all I could do that day, I had no more emotional or mental strength left.

Almost two weeks ago, now, Tuesday my Dad or Papa Bear as he is known on this blog, was diagnosed with Acute Myeloid Leukemia.  Just like that he went from living to be 105 like Great-Grandpa Ben to really hoping to make it to 73 or 74 or 75 or 76, heck 80!  There's a lot they are doing to treat Acute Myeloid Leukemia and we are going to be aggressive and fight this all the way into remission but still, the blow of the fragility of life took it's toll.

Yo Momma and I were on our way to meeting Lil' Bro and family at the Happiest Place on Earth when we got the news.  Yo Momma has a lead foot when she wants to...she almost cut across two lanes of traffic to make a u-turn to head home.  I did wind up going to meet Lil' Bro the next day and we spent three days together attempting to push away reality at the Happiest Place on Earth, being family and keeping things normal for Little Miss P.  Sometimes you just do what you gotta do.

Last Sunday morning I woke with dread knowing what was coming in church that day and not wanting to get up.  Not only did I not want to talk about what is happening with Papa Bear, I knew that sometime before church was over Youth Pastor Friend was going to tell the congregation he was leaving full-time ministry.  Even knowing it was the right decision and that God is in the midst of his decision, it was still hard to sit and listen to the words flow from his lips.  There was this horrible mix in my head of Youth Pastor friend leaving, Papa Bear's life in crisis and my own sense of everything being so far out of control I just couldn't breathe.

And so, there I was on Sunday afternoon with nothing left in me, watching a horrible horror movie and a horrible Hallmark romance and occasionally finding tears welling up in my eyes.  Tears are only a millisecond away these days.  It's been a long couple of weeks and there are longer weeks ahead.

Tomorrow I will get up and go to work as usual. Yo Momma and Papa Bear will get up and call the hospital to find out what time he is to admitted.  Five weeks from now we hope the leukemia is in remission so that a bone marrow transplant can take place.  As I have told Papa Bear, there are no options, he will fight this and he will fight this hard.  We are going to kick leukemia to the curb.

This afternoon Papa Bear and I sat in the family room and watched the Giants and Dodgers battle for a win. We watched the players do their thing and eventually cheered when the Giants won in the 10th inning (they can never make it an easy win).  I look forward to the day when Papa Bear and I can go to another Giants game together at AT & T park.  I will buy the best seats possible for that game.  Life throws curve balls every once in a while and sometimes all we can do is just step back and watch them go by, waiting for just the right moment to hit that ball right out of the park.

What I've been up to lately...part 1

This year on my Christmas Amazon wish list (love that wish list) I had one very practical item.  New headlights for the race car.  Not just a lamp but the whole headlight assembly.  12 years of driving had taken a toll on the old headlights, they were foggy, and yellowing.  I tried the different remedy's they didn't work.  So I spent some time online, found a few YouTube videos and figured out I could replace the headlights pretty simply.  Amazon wish list here I come.

Christmas Day, Papa Bear and I headed out to the garage to change out the headlights.  Papa Bear was skeptical that it would be a simple fix.  I had watched YouTube videos and figured we had this handled.  Sure 'nuff, it was as simple as the video had led me to believe.  There wasn't even any swearing involved.  THAT is an accomplishment, people!  A couple of days later I watched another YouTube video and figured out how to align the headlights as well.

Race car before

Race car after

Doesn't the race car look pretty?!  BTW, the pictures were taken using my Christmas present from the year before...a Kindle.  Pretty awesome.

Later that day, I drove the race car over to my favorite coffee shop for some seriously needed caffeine.  Since it was such a beautiful day, the convertible top went down on the race car (Song friend would be so proud of me!)  Arriving at G.G.'s for Christmas dinner, I went to put the top up and noticed it was taking a very long time to close.  One repair done, another comes along to take it's place.

I had some free time in the following days so I did what every capable woman can do...I googled the problem,  "Convertible top going up slowly".  Guess what appeared?  A YouTube video!  I watched a gentleman take the back seat out of his race car, pop up the hydraulic fluid tank for the convertible motor, refill it with the correct fluid and voila!  Problem solved.

Hmmmm...

I contemplated, did I dare take apart my car and try this?  Papa Bear questioned the validity of the YouTube video but what, really, did I have to lose?  So a couple of Sundays ago, I gathered the necessary items.  Dexeran III, ratchet, turkey baster, cloth for spills and my courage.  It took 10 seconds to get one side of the bottom of the backseat up and 5 minutes for the other side (could NOT find that latch!) and out popped the bottom backseat.  That piece is amazing light.  Then I set to work on the bolts on the back part of the seat.  Once I had the tools correct, the bolts were out and I was moving on to taking that seat up.  On to the motor and filling the tank and finally the hardest part...getting the rubber stopper back into the tiny hole in the tank.  A pair of pliers and a maybe a few swear words (I am my Father's daughter) and the stopper was in, the tank was back in place and I was tentatively starting the car.  It WORKED!!  The top went back up and down pretty smoothly...a new motor may be in the future but hopefully the DISTANT future.  A little clean up and the seats went back with ease.  Game, set, match.

The sad part of this story is the race car still needed some work.  Yes, I drive a Ford and yes, I do know that Ford is an acronym for Fix-Or-Repair-Daily.

This past weekend I tackled the next problem...the leaky convertible top.  See, when I was googling the motor problem, I also googled the leak problem.  Turns out that's most likely a pretty simple fix.  I just needed some free time and a day that was dry and 70 degrees or above to tackle the leak.  Seeing as how I live in the part of the country where the "Ridiculously Resilient Ridge" of high pressure (as a Stanford Professor has named it) is refusing to let rain anywhere near the state, well, dry and 70 degree weather is in abundance.

I located the most likely source of the leak, patched it up and will stubbornly wait for it to rain in California to see if the problem has been solved.  I may be waiting a long time.

In the meantime, there is a point to my relating these tales to you...stay tuned for part 2!

Thoughts for today

Words haven't come easily in this space, lately.  I've thought about blogging a lot.  I have many blog posts started and stalled.  I think there are about 10 just sitting, waiting for me to finish my thoughts, or have the courage to hit "publish".  So in the meantime I share these opinions and thoughts:

• The discussion about millennials and the church is kind of putting me off, simply because I don't fall in the age range of millennials but I have many of the same thoughts and feelings about the church expressed in the blog posts and articles I read.  Why aren't we church people just willing to admit there is a problem within the churches that goes beyond generations?  Is it because we can't quite name what the problem is yet, so we keep narrowing down the scope to individual generations?

• Healthcare.  I work two jobs.  I don't receive health benefits with either job.  I have been denied healthcare because of "pre-existing conditions" and am VERY EXCITED that I have the opportunity to purchase a plan and at least be able to breathe a little easier.  I do not intend to "mooch" off the government.  I pay my taxes and I don't quibble about them.  I just want healthcare so I can go see my doctor and not worry about getting sick or injured and not having healthcare.  

• While on the topic of healthcare, I seem to remember every October, when I had health insurance, the insurance companies sending out notices that our current insurance plan was being changed or discontinued or the rates were going up and up and up.  It seems to me some of the problems the Affordable Care Act faces aren't solely because of the ACA but because of the greediness of insurance companies.

• Facebook continues to tick me off and I'm struggling to kick the addiction.  It's hardest when I am bored...like right now.

• Just about the time Daylight Savings Time came to an end, I had an overwhelming urge to walk off the frustration and irritation roaring through me...of course it was dark outside and we gave away the treadmill that wasn't working so well and I wasn't wearing the right shoes to use the one at work.  Annnnnnnnnnddddddddd that urge has now passed.  

• Saturday I went with some high school students, the youth pastor and another volunteer to a Christian concert 3 hours away.  It was so much fun and so loud.  In the space of 5 hours we heard 10 bands.  Some I will listen to again (Plumb, Crowder, TFK), some not so much...no, I'm not going to name them.  Standing with hands raised, singing along to words that have buried themselves deep into my soul, with a multitude of instruments (guitar, piano, fiddle, upright bass, accordion, a JUG!) was soul filling. It's been a long time since I've been able to sing in worship like that...I miss it.

• Creative Guy got a Kindle and besides reading books he likes to play games on the Kindle.  I have a Kindle as well and I enjoy the same things.  I found the game Despicable Me Minion Rush awhile back and suggested that Creative Guy try that.  It's a hit!  So much so that he called me a couple of weeks ago VERY excited that he had gotten past three difficult levels.  I now have instructions to call him when I find Gru's Disco Room or he will call me if he finds it first.  Love him.  Don't own a Kindle?  You can get it on your smart phone too.  It's free...and addicting.  =)

So far today

Woke up at 2am, after going to sleep at 11pm.

Took antacids for the heartburn/acid reflux/stressed about work giving myself sleep issues thing.

Read until 3:45am.

Back to sleep.

Awake at 5:30am.

Out of bed 5:52am.

Showered, dressed, hair styled (it's been a good hair week, PRAISE JESUS!) and out the door 6:30am.

Bank to deposit and withdraw funds 6:40am.

Gas station as the line was on "E" and the low fuel light came on (a regular occurrence) 6:50am.

Star$ for a Salted Caramel White Mocha (my new go-to drink) 6:55am.

Bus station 7:00am.

Bus 7:04am.

Walgreens for aspirin/ibuprofen to fend off the headache that arrived in force on the bus.  8 something am. (didn't look at a clock).

Light rail 8:15ish.

Off light rail walk to office building 8:30am.

In office 8:35am.

Water and ibuprofen 8:40am.

Estimated departure time from work today 3:45pm.

Estimated time when I can return to bed 5:00pm.

Counting the minutes.

What was I saying?

I had an extended coffee meet-up with a friend on Friday.  It was a beautiful day and we sat enjoying the California close-enough-to-the-beach-that-it-is pleasant weather and talking.  I, in my typical don't think about it fashion, neglected the sunscreen.  I regret that decision today as I look at the lovely tan lines I know sport.  That v-neck tee was nice but the v-neck tan line does not look nice with all the scoop neck work shirts I own.  Oh well.

As we were talking my friend mentioned a song that we had sung with a couple of years back.  It was a Johnny Cash song.  Neither of us could remember the name.  Which prompted a discussion about how much we both tend to forget things these days.  Mere seconds later another friend asked about the doctor I was going to and I COULD NOT come up with her name.  Which prompted much laughter.

About an hour later in the midst of a lively discussion about, well, something, my friend and I both were distracted by the group of three next to us.  We attempted to keep the conversation going but the circus happening in this group just drew our attention away.  When that group finally left my friend looked at me and said, "What was I saying?", which caused another round of hysterical laughter.  It went on like that the rest of the time (and seeing as how we were there for almost 4 hours, there were a lot of those moments.  Best way to spend a Friday...even with the awesomely awkward tan lines I now have.)

I relate that story because just 10 minutes ago, as I was browsing through the Internet, I had a brilliant idea for a blog post.  I was going to pontificate and make grand statements and basically rant.  I signed into blogger and promptly forgot what I was going to post about.  It came back to me as I typed out that last sentence. I'm going to start another post and save it for later, if I don't get distracted by something else in the next 10 minutes.

This memory-distraction thing, though is kind of stressing me out.  For someone who values words as much as I do, the tendency to forget words is beginning to make me wonder what is happening to my brain.  Which makes me think that maybe it's a result of getting older.  Then I get depressed when I think of the number of candles that will be on my birthday cake this year (did someone yell fire?) and start thinking about how differently life turned out than I imagined they would when I was 20 and throw a pity party for one and then I remember my doctors name and that's enough of...HEY, that's the name of the Johnny Cash song, That's Enough!...wait, what I was I saying?

Welcome to my life. 

Less Miserable

A few months ago I was with K, N, Adventure Boy, Creative Guy and Grammy for a birthday/Oscar party night.  We all sat around the dinner table enjoying BBQ ribs and watching the beautiful people on TV being awarded for their movie efforts.  Les Miserables was up for some award and N started to make a comment about the movie saying, "Le Miserables...".  Creative Guy, the 8 year old young reader, looked at the TV screen and said "No Dad, it's LESS miserable."  All the adults in the room shared a look and tried really hard not to giggle too much.

I told the Bachelor Viewing crew that and we laughed and laughed and laughed.  It was a completely innocent remark on the part of a young reader and yet...

A few weeks ago I was walking down the sidewalk towards the light rail.  I tend to smile at people if we make eye contact and as I passed a lady she returned my smile with a big smile of her own.  I almost stopped on the sidewalk in shock.  I'm so used to smiling at people and getting nothing, NOTHING in return.  People either don't want to smile back and thereby invite a complete stranger to talk with them or they just aren't happy and so they don't smile.

I've been in the "just not happy" place in life.  I've done my fair share of whining and yet that simple statement by my 8 year old godson has had me thinking...less miserable.

I believe there are people who live life to be miserable.  I KNOW people who are determined to be miserable.  Something happens that annoys them the slightest bit and the drama begins.  Huge, sweeping, dramatic statements are made.  Everyone is out to get them.  Nothing goes their way EVER.  They move from one place of unhappiness to another, destined determined to be miserable.  They are also determined to make everyone around them miserable as well...or at least determined to see the world in a negative manner.

I can't live that way.  There are big, awful things happening in the world.  There are awful things happening all over the world that we simply don't hear about.  Not just awful, horrific, unspeakable acts occur all the time that we in US never, ever hear about.  In light of that, the fact that I'm not 100% happy right now doesn't mean much.  I look at my life and I see a lot to be less miserable about.  A roof over my head, a family that loves me, a God who offers grace and compassion all the time, friends who make me laugh, a job that doesn't stink, a car that works most of the time now, some money less money in the bank because of said car.  Not perfect but definitely not miserable.

There is a part of me convinced that being miserable is a state of mind.  I can choose to dwell on the crappy things in life, I can choose to think about the good things.  I can choose to remind myself over and over again about those qualities I find lacking or I can choose to remember the gifts and talents I've been blessed with.  I can choose to feel miserable or I can choose to be less miserable.

Some days it is admittedly harder than others to choose the less miserable point of view and yet today I think I am going to take a lesson, however inadvertent, from an 8 year old and be less miserable.

Grumpy Monday's

I hereby declare this to be a grumpy Monday.

I woke up grumpy.

I waited in line for my coffee grumpy.

I watched two people who ordered after me get their coffee before me and continued to be grumpy.

I drove to work grumpy.

I have checked work emails and am still grumpy.

I listened to the person who can't seem to get to work on time and has a million excuses make another excuse and got grumpier...and I don't even work with them!

I am hoping that by the time the Bachelorette viewing party begins tonight my grumpiness will have been dispersed because it could get ugly people.  Tonight might be the night that I stay home and watch the Bachelorette by myself (though that takes the fun out of it.)

Sigh.  Grumpy Monday it is.  I think the door to the office will remain closed all day.  I'll try to keep the rest of my grumpiness to myself.

Taking a break

I made a decision the other day.  It was a decision that has been brewing for a little while now.  I decided to take a Facebook break of sorts.

I think it was when I realized I was hiding more posts than I was reading that the decision was made.

Or maybe when I found myself holding back from typing those three little letters that my friend E interprets as "We're That Famous" (look at it...look at it...don't get it?  eh, oh well.) as a comment on someones photo or status or whatever.

Maybe it was when I started feeling really awful about myself...there are a lot of perfectly happy, wonderful people on Facebook who are so content!  so happy!  doing so great!  have the perfect life!  perfect job!  look perfect!

The decision could have been made while reading the 1/8 of posts on there where the perfectly unhappy had to rant, yet again, about their perfectly unhappy lives.

It could have been when I felt like Facebook was just another version of the high school popularity contest.  How many friends do YOU have?  How many "likes" or comments did your last status update get?

Then again, it could have been the moment when I realized that I didn't need to do this anymore.  I didn't need to read all the posts or see all the pictures.  I didn't need to feel bad about myself or get frustrated with other's political "insights" that are, in my humble opinion, very one-sided.  I didn't need to read all of that...I just didn't.

And so, I decided to take a break of sorts.  I will go on to check if there are messages from anyone, because that happens, or if there were posts left on my wall (another thing that DRIVES ME CRAZY!  I have email and there's the whole private message thing.  The whole world does not need to see the conversation between you and I!)  I check certain pages (Hey, RevGals!) and then I.sign.out.

The strangest thing has happened.  I'm not up-to-date on all my friends lives and, well, it's okay.

I don't think constantly about what I can post on Facebook to get the most "likes" because it.doesn't.matter.

I'm also not angry every time I sign out.  I don't feel as bad about myself, my just average life or my lack of "popularity".  Sure, I do miss seeing photos but I know how to look for those.  My conversations don't include "Did you see so-and-so's post on Facebook?" and I am perfectly happy.  Gosh, just writing this post I realized how much Facebook reverted me to my angst-y teenage years.  So don't want to go there again!

This break may last a long time...I may revert to my old ways or maybe my page will languish there unused for a long time.  I don't truly know.  At the moment, I am at peace...and that, my friends, is good.

A tale from the journey

I sat in a room with 12 other people listening to the presentation overviews being given. Nervous energy raced through my body. My fingers anxiously picked at the rough skin of my right thumb, looking for one dried loose piece of flesh to tear away. My right foot danced up and down, a telltale sign of the uncertainty in my mind.  I could feel it coming. My turn was next.

Steeling my resolve I met the meeting's leaders gaze head on, though everything in me wanted to revert to the hard and fast rule in school "never look authority figures in the eye!"  I was next.  And so I began.

"Fifteen months ago I walked into Mr. So-and-So's office for a job interview..." Two or three minutes later I was done. The overview for my presentation given.  I sat back in my chair and let out a breath of relief.  That's when I heard Mr. So-and-So say, "I think we hired the right person."

They didn't know, those 12 people, that the last time I made a presentation to a group of adults was in a church.  They didn't know that last presentation was on my most favorite Scripture passage in the Bible.  They had no way in knowing that in the last presentation I gave I talked about standing on a ledge, looking over a gap wondering if I  enough faith to take the step, the leap of faith if you will, to change my world.

I sat back in my chair, took a cleansing breath and felt, for the first time in a year and seven months, confident.  I have no idea where life is taking me.  I do not know where I will be a year from now but today I am relaxing into the role I have found myself in, grateful for the leap of faith that has brought me here.

Today

Today I missed the early commuter bus today by 30 seconds because:

1. I am a girl.
2. I got up 5 minutes late.
3. I could not decide what to wear.
4. Decided what to wear and then realized I had a "tan" line.  Changed mind on top.
5. Put on new top.
6. Went to leave and realized the fog was in.
7. Went back for a sweater.
8. I do not have a navy blue nor do I have an off white sweater.
9. Had an off white sweater that I wore three times and decided it was awful.
10. Donated it to Goodwill.
11. It's cold, I need a sweater.
12. Dilemma ensued.
13. Wearing white and off-white unsettles me.
14. Finally tore a white sweater off the hanger and refused to look in the mirror.
15. Raced out the door, sailed through the various lights until that one light.
16. Watched the bus turn up the street while sitting at that one light that would.not.turn.green.
17. Started writing a letter to the city about that stupid light in my head.
18. Light turned green.
19. Pushed the van ahead of me to park and ride.
20. Jumped out of car.
21. Watched bus pull away.
22. Sometimes it is a pain to be a girl.