A little bit of this and that

I've started and stopped a number of posts over the last couple of days.  Though there are words that are begging to be let out, there's a part of me that always holds back not wanting to over share.  It's a struggle that I always feel when it comes to blogging.  I want to share yet where is the line?  When does it become just whining and over sharing?  I don't have that answer yet.

I've been a busy girl lately.  Last weekend was Cousin V's wedding, which I was so honored to officiate.  What made it even more fun was that 29 of the 30 family members (and significant other's married or not) on that side of the family were together at the same time.  It was fun to see the 2nd cousins running around playing and laughing.  There were photographs taken, I just don't happen to have them.  They will come later.

My one day a week job has been good for me.  Youth Pastor Friend, Mr. T., has been out of town but he left me with a list of things to do...which I've pretty much done.  On the list was to start clearing off his desk and going through pictures.  Just would like it recorded that when I was in youth ministry I was given a REALLY bad time for the state of my office.  My office had nothing on Mr. T's.  Just sayin'.

Aunt C asked today if I had gotten back to a normal schedule after the weekend and I laughed to myself.  I don't know what normal is lately but I'm enjoying it.  Something comes up every day.  Take Monday for example.  I had lunch plans with Amy and needed to drop off an application for a very brief job (Child Care at a camp this weekend) but had nothing on the schedule for the rest of the day.  Then LN texted and I wound up getting coffee with her and a behind-the-scenes tour of the local amusement park.  It was a pretty cool!  If this is normal, I like it!

Today marks my 37th year in the world.  I'm enjoying my free birthday coffee with a side of peace and quiet and will enjoy pizza and the company of K, N, Meg and kiddo's later today.  I've been showered with blessings and well wishes all day and am feeling very loved.   

That said, there is stuff brewing beneath the surface on this birthday (see beginning of this post) and I'm aware more than ever that God is in control of my life and I am not.  Totally grateful for where I've been, the people that God has surrounded me with and for the opportunity that I have right now to sit back, to pray, ponder and listen.  Just can't help wanting God to hurry things up already!

Seeking

It's almost Saturday and I'm finally getting around to looking at today's blogs.  The RevGals Friday Five was on seeking and it struck a chord with me.  So here are 5 things I am seeking right now.  I'm not going to link it over to the Friday Five but it's fun just the same!

1.  Contentment.  God knows where my discontentment lies and we've been having some discussions lately.  More to the effect that I've broken down in tears and keep repeating the same prayer over and over again. 

2.  The enthusiasm and confidence to start applying for jobs.

3.  Jobs that are actually worth applying for.

4.  Clothes to wear to interviews and said potential jobs.  Can I just say that being a girl of substance it is awful having to go clothes shopping?  Slacks and I have never gotten along well (I am a jeans girl) and skirts/dresses hit me wrong...because I actually do have a waist AND hips, go figure.  I'm sure that Clinton and Stacy on What Not to Wear would find clothes to flatter my substance but I have absolutely NO desire to go on National TV and be torn to pieces for my looks.  I already beat myself up as is.

5.  Sleep.  One really good nights sleep without dreams about church, youth group, family, friends or any of the myriad of things that have woken me up in the middle of the night for the last four weeks.  Though I would like to know why I dreamed about my friend Kanda and why, in my dream, she had eyelashes that literally must have been 3 inches long.  Impressive...ly weird!  :)

Getting real

Five of us sat around tonight talking.  We talked about this, we talked about that, we talked church, we talked life, we just talked.  The margarita's helped a little but truthfully it doesn't take much to get this group chatting.  Well, four of the group.  I tend to sit on the sidelines and interject occasionally...there's always one in the crowd, right?

One of the five was new to the group.  At one point one looked over and said to her "Sorry, we probably sound really awful right now."  To which the response was "Are you kidding, Christians being real?!" which implied that it was refreshing to hear four Christian women just tell it like they see it.  Which reminded me why I like hanging out with these particular women, they aren't afraid to be real. 

Real in the sense that we can say what is on our hearts and we aren't judged.  Real in the sense that if one shares a struggle, the rest of us don't doubt that she is still a Christian.  Real in the sense that when one of us lets loose with some "unholy" language there is no harsh intake of breath like she has just committed a mortal sin.  I could keep going but I think you get it.

Our conversation tonight is what I find missing in most Christian circles, and to be perfectly honest, is what a lot of younger people are feeling is missing from churches.  I'm not sure it's a new phenomenon, maybe the conversations have just changed a little, gotten a little grittier.  Still the sentiment is there, we want church to be a place where we can be real and still find acceptance and love.  I even saw it in the youth group setting.  When we combined the high school and young adult group for the summer, the conversations got grittier, things were said that were more authentic, less covered with the constant thought (on my part) that I would have to answer to their parents if we went too far in the conversation.  After one such conversation, S looked at her friend and said "I like grown-up youth group."  Christians being real...it's appealing.

I sat around a living room tonight with four other Christian women being real...it was good.

The ebbs and flows

There are times when things are fine.  I don't worry about finding a job or having enough money to pay the bills I have or whether or not I will ever be able to have a home of my own or any of the things that cause some worry in my head. 

There are times when things are not fine.  When I beg God to take away the longing for something more, the ache in my heart as another number creeps up and I realize I'm so far away from where I thought I would at this point in life.

Yet I don't regret the choices and decisions that have lead me here, to the unknown, the in-between, the wondering stage of life where I contemplate and work really hard to let go of the reins, allowing God to lead me down whatever path is next.  That doesn't make the aches and worries less real, nor the unexpected and overpowering tears of grief that well up at a moments notice any less powerful.  They are still real, still present.

These are the ebbs and flows of life, the ups and downs and in-betweens where the past is past and the future is unclear but the now is real, breathing and tangible...and feeling a little shaky. 

Brain in overdrive

Over the last few weeks I've gotten used to late-late nights and later mornings, so much so that my brain really starts to work as I lay in bed, staring into the darkness wishing it were cooler in the room I'm in and telling myself it's time to sleep. The theme of my brains musings is a consistent reflection on where I've been and where I'm going.  Intermingled with that is the new blog that is percolating in my head...literally another blog site...which got me thinking about why I started blogging in the first place.

I honestly can't remember when I first discovered blogging.  It may have been with Real Live Preacher (which no longer exists so I'm not linking to it) to which there were links to more blogs, with more links and so on.  Links are a wonderful thing!  I was very much a "lurker" in the beginning, and truth be told I still am for the most part.  Opinionated Friend had a blog and soon I jumped into the fray.  This blog started out as a place to put my thoughts, feelings and just the randomness that is my brain.  Soon I realized the tool that it could be for our Mississippi trips and I gave out the address to people to go to and find pictures and updates.  It didn't occur to me until a few trips later to actually make a blog for the Mississippi trips themselves!

Giving out the address changed what I wrote here, to a certain extent but it didn't change my basic reason for blogging...just putting my thoughts in print.  552 posts later, here I am, still putting my thoughts into print.  The title of the blog is very much appropriate...I am definitely on a journey.  A journey through life, of faith, of understanding, of learning, a journey of hope, of disappointment, of sorrow and grief and all the ebbs and flows of the everyday mundane stuff.

Which is where my brain started really thinking about the future.  The address for this blog is no longer relevant to my life.  I am no longer FPres Youth Director (fpresyd).  I've thought about changing it but I don't think it's worth the hassle.  The big question mark is what am I? Who am I apart from what I do?  That's the million dollar question of the night.

A blogging friend emailed yesterday.  Her email was filled with affirmation and encouragment.  I cried reading it.  I've only met blogging friend once in real life and yet here she was, encouraging, affirming me in my journey.  Her words sparked a thought last night, as I lay staring into the dark wondering who I am and what will I do in the future.  The realization came to me that I have a hard time seeing myself working outside a church setting long-term.  For whatever reason, God has hardwired me to be a church-y kind of person.  I can't envision not working for a church or a church type setting...but I also know that right now isn't the time to jump back into a church position.

There's also the dilemma of not being ordained (aka a "legal" Pastor) while not feeling the urge or calling to go to Seminary.  So I sit and wait and look at shorter term jobs, accept a teeny position that puts me in a church setting without being over involved (for the moment) and lay awake at night with my brain churning wondering what's next...and contemplate starting a new blog.

Present and future jobs

I have a new key on my key ring.  It's to another church.  A very good friend who is a Youth Pastor, well Associate Pastor in charge of Administration and Youth, convinced his church board that he needed some help.  I happened to be leaving my job about the same time they were creating an administration assistant position and we both knew we could work well together so he offered me the job.  Great timing!  Only downside, right now, is that the position is only  6 hours a week.  Sigh.  Still it's something.

Creative Guy and I discussed my future today as we were driving back from Soccer Practice.  He thinks I would make a good teacher.  Maybe a good Kindergarten teacher.  I told him I would take that under advisement.  As I was driving him around (and my cousin's) I thought that maybe I should start a Kid's Shuttle service.  I could get a 12 passenger van and charge so much per mile and just drive Kid's to their appointments, practices or pick them up from school when their parents can't.  I honestly don't know how parents work and have children at the same time.  I'm in awe.

Friday Five: Seasons Edition

Kathrynzj at RevGals says: "Headquarters for me is the northeast of the United States. Here school is getting back in session, the tease of autumn is in the air (or the hope for the tease of autumn is in the air) and church life is gearing up to full throttle.

One thing I've learned with blogging and social media is that the where I live is not necessarily where you live. And so I want to know what September means to you, in your place of the world and time in your life.

This week's Friday Five is: What are 5 things that the beginning of September mean to you?

Bonus: What's one thing you could do without?"

 

I'm late to the party today but here's my five!

1.  September means that schools are officially back in session, which means that the traveling on the roads around here changes.  Not so many teen drivers during the day and lots more parent drivers in the morning and afternoon.  If I leave the house between 7 and 8:30am (which is rare) I travel an alternate route to avoid the traffic jam.  Same with heading home between 2:15 and 3pm.

2.  Church camp!  The second weekend in September is FPC's annual trek to the KOA.  Even though I'm no longer a part of the church, I'm still going to one more church camp.  Nothing like staying up until the wee hours of the morning sitting around the campfire and laughing with friends.  This year R-girl and I are getting a cabin though.

3.  September usually means that the weather gets warmer during the day and cooler at night.  This year has been an anomaly in weather though.  Lots more fog...not that I'm complaining!

4.  September is my birthday month.  I usually spend the month trying not to think about being another year older.

5.  After so many years being in school and being in youth ministry, I always look at September as the beginning of the year.  It's the time for my vacation, for reflection and to begin planning for the months ahead.  It seems kinda strange not to be doing that this year!

Bonus:  The thing I could do without is the bees and yellow jackets.  While we see them during the summer, for whatever reason the yellow jackets especially get a little more daring and dangerous this time of the year.  Though we might like to eat outside, we hardly dare!