I had a visitor in the office yesterday. He just showed up. We hadn't met before but he had a couple of questions, knew the office address so he came by. Seeing as how I send out monthly newsletters to over 3000 people and the office address is on the newsletter, I'm actually surprised I don't have more unexpected visitors.
This gentleman sat and talked for quite a while. He has a heart for helping those in need, for helping people find their voice and using that voice to better the world and their lives. I think I answered his questions...actually, I think he just needed someone to listen, and so I did the job required of me for that moment. As he was getting ready to leave, he asked me, "So, what great things are you going to do?" My answer, which is standard when I don't haven an answer was, "That is a great question. I have no idea."
It's true. I have no idea. I know that I'm marking time on the calendar, making check marks next to the days and there is a placeholder where my future goals are at the moment. Some of that is residual from starting a new chapter in life 3 years ago, taking a leap of faith into the great unknown. Some of that is the continuing journey of grief and knowing that my soul is still healing. But really, I just don't know where I am going or what I want to be when I "grow up".
What I do know is that I have a job. A good job, with good people. But a job that doesn't completely satisfy my soul. I do know that I have a story to tell and a desire to help other people. I do know that I can do more than what I am doing right now...I just don't know what that looks like. I don't know where I'm going.
Growing up, I developed a love for a non-typical Clint Eastwood movie called "Paint Your Wagon". The movie was musical of sorts, set during the California Gold Rush. Ever since my visitor yesterday, I've had the chorus of one of the songs in my head...
"Where am I going?
I don't know.
Where am I headin'?
I ain't certain.
All I know is I am on my way."
I know at some point in time, I'll look back at this period and life and connect the dots. I'll have new stories to tell and new revelations but until then, I don't know where I'm going...all I know is I am on my way.
(The video below is not from the movie...but the song is!)