A little levity

I recently moved items around in the office, so that I had better access to a filing cabinet and because I was bored.  Really, really bored.

It didn't take much work, I pushed my desk towards one wall, moved the filing cabinets around a little and all of sudden the room just opened up.  I had space again!

Now, the scanner and lateral filing cabinet are accessible by a push of my feet and a roll of my chair.  It's quite fun, especially with the plastic chair mat that makes rolling oh-so-easy.

The mat doesn't go far enough, though, and sometimes, to get to the vertical filing cabinet, I wind up rolling off and have a hard time getting the chair back on.  Still, it's a little fun that makes the day better.

Yesterday, I was pushing myself around the office when all of a sudden I went flying one direction and the chair went the other.  I'm not even sure how it happened.  I literally pushed myself out of the chair.  I caught myself before I wound up face first into the laser printer stand but for a moment I had this flash of black eyes and broken wrists.  It wasn't pretty, that flash of premonition.  I was glad for two things:  1 - that I was able to stop the disaster before it happened and 2 - that my office door was closed as I hurtled myself off the chair.

I'm a little more cautious today, as I roll back and forth between the scanner and the desk.  I don't really need a repeat performance...but I can giggle about my close call with black eyes and broken wrists.  It's all in a day's work!  =)

Grief check-up

Walking this path of grief, I'm always aware that my path is unique to me.  What I need, isn't what other's need.  What turns me off and makes me want to run away screaming, may be comforting and helpful to other people.  It's helpful to write down what it is I need, don't need, sometimes need and what I have to offer at the moment, so here goes.

Here's what I need:

• People to listen to me or read what I write.
• People who will simply pray or think of me throughout the day.
• Virtual hugs...RevGals introduced me to this one.  It's simple. Take a persons name and insert it into parentheses, such as ((Brittany)).  I dig those.
• Little simple notes "thinking of you", "love you", etc.  Or in the case of one friend, inappropriate text Fridays.  =)
• A lot of grace and understanding.  It's hard just to get up in the morning.  All I want to do is hide away from the world.  I'm working, really working, at being open and available but oh gosh, it's hard 'cuz I am wrung out emotionally.  I find myself exhausted at the end of the week, just from going to work each day and being "on".  My introverted tendencies are now swamped by the emotional overload of grief...it's just a tough time in life.

Here's what I don't need:

• Reassurance of God's presence...I'm fully aware of God's presence.  I'm not mad at God and I don't feel abandoned by God...y'all can stand down.
• To be told the details of your prayers.
• Detailed stories from your own walk with grief.
• Reassurance that "this too will pass"...yeah, that one isn't good.
• Scripture verses quoted.

Here's what I sometimes need:

• Physical Hugs.  This one is tough.  I've found that my inner sensitivity levels are interlinked to physical touch, if that makes sense at all.  Sometimes I am good with hugs and sometimes, wow, sometimes I really just don't want to be touched because I will come undone.

Here's what I can offer others right now:

• Not a lot.
• Honesty, but only if I deem you trustworthy or really willing to accept what I have to say...even then, I'm finding I don't have much to lose these days...either that or I don't have much of a guard/shield/filter in place.
• Tears on demand.
• Watery smiles.
• Sincere gratitude for those walking beside me.  

Road Construction ahead

Every day I drive the same road.  Driving south, I head to work.  Driving north, I head home.  I've been driving this road since I first got my license many a year ago.  The road hasn't changed much.  There have been new patches of concrete/blacktop added here and there.  A couple of stoplights have been added.  But the overall road hasn't really changed.

Driving south, I'm familiar with the bumps, the turns and where the potholes are that I want to avoid.  Driving north, it's the same.  There are some times (and I know this isn't a good thing) that I can drive this road and not really see much.  I'm on auto pilot.  I drive to work.  I drive home.

Recently, they have been working on the road at night.  Cutting down through the concrete to get to the water pipes below the road.  Honestly, they are making a mess of a once okay road.  Should it ever rain here in California again, there will be new potholes and bumps to avoid.

This road construction has meant one way traffic control.  The northbound traffic is now diverted into the southbound lane, past the construction.  The other night, as I drove northbound in the southbound lane I realized this road that I was so familiar with, had suddenly become something completely different.  The bumps and curves were different.  I was driving the same road but everything had changed.

The bumps and curves that I knew so well traveling south in the correct lane, felt different and unfamiliar traveling north.  I didn't know how to anticipate the road anymore.  I suddenly felt disoriented and was very glad to move back into the correct northbound lane as I passed the construction zone.

This road realization has a direct correlation to my life.  I'm traveling the same roads yet somehow the lanes have switched and everything is different.  The bumps and curves are hard to anticipate. I'm doing the same thing I was doing before April 29th and June 2nd.  Yet, I'm driving on the "wrong" side of the road because there's this big gaping hole that I'm maneuvering around, ever aware of it's presence and achingly aware that the hole is going to remain open and under construction for a very, very long time.

Driving north in the southbound lane...it's a whole new adventure.