I was going to let this day just pass quietly, without much fanfare or blog-fare and then I read a post by another blogger. He writes about church stuff and today's post had to do with single people in church. He meant it as funny, I know. He meant it to be something to laugh about and look at the church and say "what are we thinking?". For many people, it was funny. For me, well, it just made me sad.
I've done this back and forth struggle thing with being single (and if you read the book "Single Minded" written by me and three other women, you will see that firsthand). When I was in High School I dreamed of the day when I would be married with children (it looked nothing like that awful TV show from the late 80's BTW). I knew by the time I turned 25 that I would be happily settled down with the love of my life and on the way towards becoming a mom. 25 was a few years back. It never happened.
For many years I was just fine being single. I had a vibrant job, was content to be a second "mom" type to many youth and knew without a doubt that I wouldn't have been able to be married with kids and doing the job I was doing to the fullest extent with which I threw myself into the job. Some days it was hard. I will never, ever forget falling apart upon learning that the first of my cousin's was going to have a baby. Nor will I forget that feeling of being happy for that same cousin and devastated for myself when she got engaged. That selfish feeling was awful.
Yet what I was feeling was real. Over the years that same feeling has come and gone. I've prayed, oh how I have prayed, for God to take the desire away. I didn't ask for this to be my life. I am following God, this is the life I got. I really, really want to be perfectly happy and content and yet, I'm not. Well meaning church folk have said some of the exact things that the blogger said today: "Don't you WANT to be married? Why don't you go to a bar? How about a match maker site? You'll never meet anyone in this town (IE, the perfect Christian guy)."
The blog was meant to be funny. To many it was. For me, it was a reminder that I'm still single and it's not my choice. I'll continue to smile and be happy for those friends newly engaged. I'll continue to ooh and aah and cuddle babies. I'll continue to pray, remind myself that I'm not alone in the world, that others desire the same thing...and a part of my heart will continue to be selfish and sad for me.
I know that marriage and parenthood isn't all peaches and
cream. I know that it's difficult and I know that some of my friends
who are both are a little envious of my singleness. The problem isn't
with my head knowledge, it's with my heart knowledge. My heart longs
for something has yet happen, may never happen and that is my reality
this Valentine's Day.