Reconnect

"I've been severely depressed lately."  Those words came out of my mouth yesterday while talking with Yo Momma.  I retracted it a little.  "Okay, maybe not severely but severely for me."  This isn't a new revelation.  I felt it beginning back in October.  Maybe even before then.  Actually, I've probably held some form of this depression for few years now.  Quitting my job made it come to the surface and stick around for awhile.

Naming it, though, is new.  As is realizing that something had been missing from my soul too...music. 

Music has long been the centerpiece of my communication with God.  Whether joy, anger, sadness, frustration, there is usually a song that correlates to my heart tugging at the moment.  Singing along to music in the car, strumming the guitar and letting my voice soar has been a way for me to communicate just what it is I'm feeling to God and to receive messages in return.

Music was also part of my livelihood for awhile.  For years I lead worship on Sunday mornings with a talented group of people.  There were days when it was a job and days when it was worship and days when the two mixed.  When I left my job, I left that team.  I was striking out on a new journey...somewhere along the way I lost the music.  For the last few months, I've felt like I've been in a music-less space with God, like the music in my soul had dried up.  I just wrote that sentence like I was aware of that happening.  I wasn't.  I just realized it as I began this blog post.  I just realized that because recently I reconnected with God through music...and I hadn't realized that I had disconnected to begin with.

David Crowder*Band released their final CD a few weeks ago.  The first time I listened to the CD, I will admit to being disappointed.  I wanted something different, especially since it's a 2-CD set.  I kept listening.  It's their final CD!  I love DC*B!  I was determined to like this CD.  I listened and I listened and then I heard...

"I swear I'm trying to give everything but I feel like I'm falling, oh make me believe.
What I need is resurrection.  What I need is for you to put me back on my feet."--Let Me Feel You Shine

"King of glory oh my Jesus Christ.  Free me from what keeps me from your life."--Oh My God

"Oh Great God give us rest.  We're all worn thin from all of this.

At the end of our hope, with nothing left.  Oh Great God give us rest."--Oh Great God Give us Rest

"Sometimes every one of us feels like we'll never be healed.  Sometimes.

Sometimes every one of us aches like we'll never be saved.  Sometimes.

When we've given up let Your healing come
When there's nothing left let Your healing come
Till we're rising up let Your healing come
Where You go, we will follow
Where You go, we will follow

It's Your love that we adore
It's like a sea without a shore
We're lost in You, we're lost in You
It's Your love that we adore
It's like a sea without a shore
We're lost in You, we're lost in You
Sometimes"--Sometimes

I didn't know that I had disconnected with God.  I didn't know.  It wasn't the songs, it wasn't the Cd's, it was me.  The music had stopped playing in me.  Sure, I still sang along to the radio.  Pulled out the guitar and sang with a group when asked, but I had disconnected.  I wasn't feeling it.  It was me.

Saturday I played guitar and sang with a group for a memorial service.  "I'll Fly Away" was the requested song.  As we sang I couldn't keep the smile from my face.  I didn't mean to be disrespectful to the family who was grieving, but I was starting to reconnect and I couldn't keep the smile from my face.

Sunday in church we sang a new song and the connection continued.  My hands itched, not to clap but to start rising from their clenched position by my sides to maybe somewhat mid-waist. 

I'm starting to reconnect to God through music...it is good.