Taking responsibility

"This is all your fault, well, you and J.B*,"  New Pastor at New Church said to me on Christmas Eve.

I looked around the room, at the 75 or so people mingling and laughing, hugging and reconnecting.  I looked around the room with the multiple Christmas trees, twinkling lights, the angels and wreaths, the candles and the kids attempting to keep their candle lit as long as possible.  The music we had sung, the scripture that was read, the message of enjoying the presents and the presence (of Jesus), the story time with kids gathered listening eagerly and the sounds of children being children throughout the service filtered back through my mind.

I thought back to the day we were decorating the church for the Christmas season, with college students in abundance clearly enjoying putting up trees and decorations, when Yo Momma came up to me and said "New Pastor isn't sure if we will have a Christmas Eve service this year."  I thought back to my immediate reaction "What?  Why?  I will lead the music if that's the problem."  Low attendance the year before was one of the reasons.  "That's not a good enough reason for me."  I said.  I approached New Pastor moments later and said "I will be happy to lead music for the Christmas Eve service if the usual people don't want to."  I got an email that following Tuesday...Christmas Eve was on.

I thought back to all those things, to Yo Momma and I leading in Christmas Carols of joy as we had done together so often in the past, looked at New Pastor and smiled, "I'm okay with this being my fault.  I gladly take responsibility."

*Giving credit where credit is due, J.B. came up to Yo Momma after the service and thanked her for helping to lead the music and encouraging New Pastor to have the Christmas Eve service.  She's an instigator!

Thoughts for today

Words haven't come easily in this space, lately.  I've thought about blogging a lot.  I have many blog posts started and stalled.  I think there are about 10 just sitting, waiting for me to finish my thoughts, or have the courage to hit "publish".  So in the meantime I share these opinions and thoughts:

• The discussion about millennials and the church is kind of putting me off, simply because I don't fall in the age range of millennials but I have many of the same thoughts and feelings about the church expressed in the blog posts and articles I read.  Why aren't we church people just willing to admit there is a problem within the churches that goes beyond generations?  Is it because we can't quite name what the problem is yet, so we keep narrowing down the scope to individual generations?

• Healthcare.  I work two jobs.  I don't receive health benefits with either job.  I have been denied healthcare because of "pre-existing conditions" and am VERY EXCITED that I have the opportunity to purchase a plan and at least be able to breathe a little easier.  I do not intend to "mooch" off the government.  I pay my taxes and I don't quibble about them.  I just want healthcare so I can go see my doctor and not worry about getting sick or injured and not having healthcare.  

• While on the topic of healthcare, I seem to remember every October, when I had health insurance, the insurance companies sending out notices that our current insurance plan was being changed or discontinued or the rates were going up and up and up.  It seems to me some of the problems the Affordable Care Act faces aren't solely because of the ACA but because of the greediness of insurance companies.

• Facebook continues to tick me off and I'm struggling to kick the addiction.  It's hardest when I am bored...like right now.

• Just about the time Daylight Savings Time came to an end, I had an overwhelming urge to walk off the frustration and irritation roaring through me...of course it was dark outside and we gave away the treadmill that wasn't working so well and I wasn't wearing the right shoes to use the one at work.  Annnnnnnnnnddddddddd that urge has now passed.  

• Saturday I went with some high school students, the youth pastor and another volunteer to a Christian concert 3 hours away.  It was so much fun and so loud.  In the space of 5 hours we heard 10 bands.  Some I will listen to again (Plumb, Crowder, TFK), some not so much...no, I'm not going to name them.  Standing with hands raised, singing along to words that have buried themselves deep into my soul, with a multitude of instruments (guitar, piano, fiddle, upright bass, accordion, a JUG!) was soul filling. It's been a long time since I've been able to sing in worship like that...I miss it.

• Creative Guy got a Kindle and besides reading books he likes to play games on the Kindle.  I have a Kindle as well and I enjoy the same things.  I found the game Despicable Me Minion Rush awhile back and suggested that Creative Guy try that.  It's a hit!  So much so that he called me a couple of weeks ago VERY excited that he had gotten past three difficult levels.  I now have instructions to call him when I find Gru's Disco Room or he will call me if he finds it first.  Love him.  Don't own a Kindle?  You can get it on your smart phone too.  It's free...and addicting.  =)

Yesterday in Worship

I volunteered to run the sound system and computer for the worship service yesterday.  I  always go into those mornings nervously.  I contend that sound systems and other media items in churches are inhabited by little gremlins that like to (dilemma here, do I use the word I really want to or do I edit myself?) make even the most basic, non-eventful morning go haywire. (Edited version, in case you were wondering.)

It all was going well until I put the CD in to play before worship and the sound didn't come through the speakers. I checked all the buttons, looked to make sure it was playing and still nothing. So I looked at the myriad of wires spilling around the sound board and attempted to ascertain if the CD player was, in fact, plugged into the sound board.  Seconds later I looked up and saw the blue screen of death.  Not on the computer but from the projector.  Oh s......................  I jiggled wires, I checked connections, I looked at the time and knew Plan B had to happen...what Plan B was I had no idea.  I raced down to the main floor, alerted the worship leaders and raced back up to jiggle wires some more. Finally I found the one connection seeming to be the issue and we were back in black. Hal-le-luh-jah!!!  I was then afraid to touch anything for fear of that blue screen of death returning...seriously hate that screen.

We still went with Plan B. Instead of previously chosen songs that needed to be projected on the screen, we had a hymn sing of sorts.  This was supposed to happen.  Three older people chose songs and then one of the teens from the balcony raised his hand.  "Hymn 123, please."  His choice?  O Come, O Come Emmanuel.

Now, I know this teen.  He could very well have been choosing that song because he liked that it was hymn 1,2,3.  Whatever the reason, we sang this hymn of longing, expectation and waiting and eventually celebration.  It was beautiful.

 I believe we need to sing Christmas/Advent songs all year long not just in the 4 weeks leading up to Christmas, and yesterday whether in jest or not, we did, thanks to one teenage boy.

"O Come O Come Emmanuel"

O come o come Emmanuel
And ransom captive Israel
That mourns in lonely exile here
Until the son of god appears

Rejoice rejoice
Emmanuel shall come to thee oh Israel

Oh come thou day-spring come and cheer
Our spirits by thine advent here
Disperse the gloomy clouds of night
And death's dark shadows put to flight

Rejoice rejoice
Emmanuel shall come to thee oh Israel

Oh come desire of nations bind
In one the hearts of all mankind
Bid thou our sad divisions cease
And be thyself our king of peace

Rejoice rejoice
Emmanuel shall come to thee oh Israel

Songs running through my head

The other morning a song popped into my head.  Or rather a hymn, because clearly there is a difference between hymns and songs thus the "worship wars" and, yeah, tangent.

Anyway, I started humming "He giveth more grace when the burdens are greater" and then the next line that came into my head was "I'd rather have Jesus than silver or gold"...wait, what?  That's not the same song!  I kept running through those lines in my head but they kept mish-mashing up until I finally went in the other room and tried to get help from Yo Momma and G.G.  They humored me but weren't much help.  I drove all the way home from Tahoe with those two songs, sorry, hymns in my head.

I didn't remember to look them up until today.  A quick jaunt over to YouTube and guess what?!  They may not be the exact same tune but they are pretty darn close!  Which got me a'thinkin' about all the other hymns that use the same tune but change the lyrics.  Which made my mind trail off on a tangent about how hard it must be to come up with new tunes all the time.

Anyway, you can YouTube them yourself (sorry, I'm not going to attach the videos here) and decide for yourself.  Am I crazy or do "He Giveth More Grace" and "I'd Rather Have Jesus" sound pretty darn similar?

Glass

I cried on the bus this morning.

That sentence sounds very dramatic.  The moment didn't happen anything like that.

What did happen was I got on the bus, found a seat just for me, put in my headphones, turned on my iPod and listened to a song...which made me think of life...which made me think of a friend who's had more than their fair share of ups and downs and turmoils.  Life is looking up for this friend but the past is still there...the wounds life has dealt are beginning to scab over...the scars will still remain.  All of this was going through my head and the next thing I knew the tears had formed and were trickling down my cheeks.  I'm not sure anyone around me noticed.  I didn't try to hide the tears.  I let them fall.

The tears came easily, partly because they have been waiting, just behind the lids of my eyes for a few weeks now.  My soul has been feeling a little fragile, a little tender lately.  The tears fall easily.  It happened at work just last week.  I found myself reading something, an email I think, and the those waiting tears commenced.

At church on Sunday, the same thing happened.  I'm not sure if it was Pastor Bruce or the visiting Missionary but someone said something and there they were, those tears.

I've been in this place before, this tears-in-waiting place.  It's usually as God begins to birth something new in my life.  I have no idea what is coming next.  All I know is I'm feeling a little fragile...kinda like glass...and it's a good thing.

Just in case you are curious, the video below is the song...I deliberately chose the video that just had the lyrics and music.  Thompson Square "Glass".

Reconnect

"I've been severely depressed lately."  Those words came out of my mouth yesterday while talking with Yo Momma.  I retracted it a little.  "Okay, maybe not severely but severely for me."  This isn't a new revelation.  I felt it beginning back in October.  Maybe even before then.  Actually, I've probably held some form of this depression for few years now.  Quitting my job made it come to the surface and stick around for awhile.

Naming it, though, is new.  As is realizing that something had been missing from my soul too...music. 

Music has long been the centerpiece of my communication with God.  Whether joy, anger, sadness, frustration, there is usually a song that correlates to my heart tugging at the moment.  Singing along to music in the car, strumming the guitar and letting my voice soar has been a way for me to communicate just what it is I'm feeling to God and to receive messages in return.

Music was also part of my livelihood for awhile.  For years I lead worship on Sunday mornings with a talented group of people.  There were days when it was a job and days when it was worship and days when the two mixed.  When I left my job, I left that team.  I was striking out on a new journey...somewhere along the way I lost the music.  For the last few months, I've felt like I've been in a music-less space with God, like the music in my soul had dried up.  I just wrote that sentence like I was aware of that happening.  I wasn't.  I just realized it as I began this blog post.  I just realized that because recently I reconnected with God through music...and I hadn't realized that I had disconnected to begin with.

David Crowder*Band released their final CD a few weeks ago.  The first time I listened to the CD, I will admit to being disappointed.  I wanted something different, especially since it's a 2-CD set.  I kept listening.  It's their final CD!  I love DC*B!  I was determined to like this CD.  I listened and I listened and then I heard...

"I swear I'm trying to give everything but I feel like I'm falling, oh make me believe.
What I need is resurrection.  What I need is for you to put me back on my feet."--Let Me Feel You Shine

"King of glory oh my Jesus Christ.  Free me from what keeps me from your life."--Oh My God

"Oh Great God give us rest.  We're all worn thin from all of this.

At the end of our hope, with nothing left.  Oh Great God give us rest."--Oh Great God Give us Rest

"Sometimes every one of us feels like we'll never be healed.  Sometimes.

Sometimes every one of us aches like we'll never be saved.  Sometimes.

When we've given up let Your healing come
When there's nothing left let Your healing come
Till we're rising up let Your healing come
Where You go, we will follow
Where You go, we will follow

It's Your love that we adore
It's like a sea without a shore
We're lost in You, we're lost in You
It's Your love that we adore
It's like a sea without a shore
We're lost in You, we're lost in You
Sometimes"--Sometimes

I didn't know that I had disconnected with God.  I didn't know.  It wasn't the songs, it wasn't the Cd's, it was me.  The music had stopped playing in me.  Sure, I still sang along to the radio.  Pulled out the guitar and sang with a group when asked, but I had disconnected.  I wasn't feeling it.  It was me.

Saturday I played guitar and sang with a group for a memorial service.  "I'll Fly Away" was the requested song.  As we sang I couldn't keep the smile from my face.  I didn't mean to be disrespectful to the family who was grieving, but I was starting to reconnect and I couldn't keep the smile from my face.

Sunday in church we sang a new song and the connection continued.  My hands itched, not to clap but to start rising from their clenched position by my sides to maybe somewhat mid-waist. 

I'm starting to reconnect to God through music...it is good.

This is random??

One of my going away gifts when leaving the church was a brand spanking new I-pod with MEGA capacity.  I've been gradually updating it with all of my Cd's (yes, I am still old school and like Cd's.  Deal with it.).  I am a self-confessing, not ashamed, Amy Grant fan.  That means that in my CD collection there tend to be multiple songs due to "Greatest Hits" and "Live" versions of songs.  It is awesome.

Anyway, when in the car, the I-pod setting through the radio is set on random/shuffle (which means it will choose any song on my I-pod to play, just in case you were confused).  A few weeks ago I noticed that this so called "random" feature was doing something interesting.  For 9 songs straight, it would play an Amy Grant song, a Holly Williams song and another female artist that I can't think of right now.  It was a strange occurrence, especially seeing as how I only have one Holly William CD as opposed to multiple Amy Grant Cd's.  The strangeness did not end there.

A few days later, on random/shuffle, an Amy Grant song came on.  I sang along, as usual.  The next song came on and I found myself staring at the radio display, a little stupefied.  IT WAS THE SAME EXACT SONG!!  Only the live version.  I thought to myself "that's just weird."  Little did I know.  Today, it happened AGAIN!  The SAME SONG AS BEFORE!!

Now, I can handle this strange occurrence happening once.  Twice...I'm thinking that someone is trying to get my attention.

All Right--Amy Grant
Looking out to the hills to the setting sun
I feel a cold wind bound to come
Another change another end I cannot see
But your faithfulness to me is making it

[Chorus:]
All right
I fall down on my knees tell me that it's all right
You give me what I need
Years of knocking on heaven's door
Have taught me this if nothing more
That it's all right, what may come

I've heard it said when the river's running high
You get to higher ground or you die
Well muddy waves of pain washed over me
And it only made me see it's gonna be

[Chorus]

When will I learn there are no guarantees
What strengthens hope, my eyes have never seen
But it won't be long
Till the faith will be sight and the heavens will say
It's all right

This, that and the other thing

This July has not been like last July.  Last July it was just downright pleasant all month.  This July has had more warm days.  Next week is VBS week.  I expect heat, heat and more heat.  Ugh.  At least we have moved VBS to the morning and we aren't trying giving ourselves heat exhaustion anymore.  One can only hope the fog will roll in every night and cool off the sanctuary.

I forgot to update y'all on things that have been going on.  A few weeks ago I got to officiate at a wedding!  Nope, I haven't been ordained.  There are counties in California that deputize people to perform a single wedding ceremony.  The couple who got married asked if I would be willing to go that route and I jumped at the chance!  The one reason that I would choose to be ordained right now would be to be a part of weddings.  Thanks to the County of San Diego for making it happen!  It was very special, especially because I've known the young man who got married since he was 6 years old and hiding under the table during Sunday School.  :)  I did, however, learn a couple of things.  Number 1:  If the couple says "outdoor wedding on a cliff" it's probably a good idea to sew rocks into the hem of my skirt and put my hair all the way up.  Number 2:  invest in a nice looking three ring binder.  Saves a lot of panic over whether or not you'll lose pages.  And yes, I will need to know all this again because in September I get to officiate at my cousin's wedding.  Very, very cool.

In sad news, Hop-a-long hops no more.  I'm pretty sure he helped some other animal get full one night before I went to San Diego.  In more happier news (for me anyway), the de-con on is working.  One more rat gone.  We do now have a chipmunk that scampers across the driveway and up trees and around corners and is basically making himself at home.  Papa Bear came back and the birds are happy.  So happy that they can't seem to stop in time on their way to the bird food and keep slamming into the floor to ceiling windows.  Seriously, there were 3 birds in less than 5 minutes that hit the windows the other day.  I think one hit pretty hard too...it kept trying to fly in the window.  It was just fluttering it's wings and pressing it's face against the glass.  I think keeping the blinds closed, at least part way, would help, but Papa Bear likes them wide open.  Oh well, he's the one who has to clean the windows.

Sunday I preached at FPC for the last time as an employee of the church.  It was on the woman who had been bleeding for 12 years.  The sermon went well at both services but I have to say I'm pretty glad to be done with being the worship leader and preaching on the same day.  Even though it only happened a few times a year, it's just too much to do in the service.  Before I gave the sermon at the 2nd service, my friend Beth, her husband and a friend of theirs the song below.  Beth started in singing the first line and I found myself in tears.  As the song continued and the harmonies came in I had to close my eyes and just pray that I would be able to stand up and preach.  It was just so good...and it sounded even better than the group who sings it below...but I am biased.  :)

What makes something Patriotic?

Merriam-Webster's Online Dictionary describes Patriotism as "love for or devotion to one's country".  I can go along with that.  When I think of people who are Patriotic, I think of people who appreciate the country in which they reside or were born, find favor in aspects of that country, are loyal to that country...I'm sure I could come up with more but my brain is racing ahead.

So, today, when in my inbox at work I get the "Top 20 Patriotic Worship Songs", I was not surprised to see the usual list of "America the Beautiful, My Country Tis of Thee, The Star Spangled Banner" and three others that I would classify as Patriotic.  That leaves 14 others in question.

Now, if Patriotism was described as love for or devotion to God, well then the rest of those songs I would consider to be Patriotic.  But that's that the definition of the word.  So how does this company justify listing 14 songs in the top "20" Patriotic song list?  I think they were reaching.  Which bugs me in this church culture that "wars" over things like Worship Songs vs. Hymns.  Really?  We need a list of "Patriotic" Praise songs that really aren't?  Just when I thought we were getting to a more level playing field in choices of music styles in churches. *Sigh*

I don't find anything wrong with Patriotism.  I think allegiance to one's country can be a good thing, I love going to the 4th of July fireworks show in Tahoe and hearing God Bless the USA by Lee Greenwood or America the Beautiful by Ray Charles as the fireworks burst over the lake.  Moves me to tears every time.  I feel very patriotic then.  I appreciate the idea of our government, though I'm not so happy with the way things are going right now.  I appreciate that I live in a country where I am free to worship in the church/religion of my choice.  I don't, however, equate Patriotism as my belief in God.  I am a Christ Follower, that's where my devotion and love for God comes in, not in my devotion or love for my country.  To me, those don't walk hand in hand.

This Sunday the kids will be singing "God Bless America" in church.  I've struggled for awhile with singing those kinds of songs in the worship service (for reasons that are for another blog post for another time), but this Sunday the decision wasn't mine to make and that is fine with me! 

Sunday morning, we'll be singing songs of allegiance to God...and not one of them is on that "Top 20" list.

Ditching youth group

I ditched High School group this week. Being the leader, that's a big deal. The Middle School Leader was going to be gone on Middle School night, so we just switched places. High school group wasn't canceled or locked outside or anything. I was responsible.

Why did I ditch youth group? To go see these people.


For those who don't know the two people on the right are Michael W. Smith and Amy Grant. Yo Momma, Kanda, Harold and I went north about 3 hours for their concert. Kanda got great tickets (third row!) plus a chance to go to a Q & A session before hand. It was a fantastic evening, full of great music, laughter and tears. I would ditch youth group again in a heartbeat to go to the concert again.

For a friend...

Who knows who they are...my prayer for you today, that God's love will indeed rescue you.
Love you.

Kathryn Scott--Love Rescue Me

Shuffle mode

I listen to Pandora at work a lot. I have a bunch of different "stations" that are based off of artists that I like. Songs come on that are similar to the artist you choose and you can either like or dislike the song, which means you can either listen to it or skip it. I've found that the more I hit the "like" button on songs, the more I hear songs by that same artist over and over again. The problem is, no matter how many times I dislike a song, I can't seem to ever get rid of that artist altogether. And sometimes, like in the JJ Heller station I'm listening to right now (which always makes me think of Opinionated Friend), the artist is so unknown that they don't really know what to do on that station and play the same 6 artists over and over again. Or if it's a station, like David Crowder*Band, then they play music by guy bands and nothing by girl bands...Pandora is a little sexist like that.

The music that I'm listening to at any moment in time is usually a good hint to the mood that I'm in. There are songs that I specifically turn on when I'm feeling sad and want to cry. There are songs that I listen to when I'm mad at the world and just want the radio really, really LOUD! There are country music times, 80's pop times, indie-rock times, christian rock times, all Amy times and Christmas music times, just to name a few. There are times when I just need to be back in college or high school. There are times when I need to be introspective and quiet. Music is the indicator of my soul's needs at the moment.

Lately I've been plugging my I-Pod into my car's stereo system. For some reason I have two options with the stereo system. It will either play the songs from the first artist only or it will play the songs on shuffle. Being one who grew up with cassette tapes, I am REALLY used to listening to one song right after another as they were put on the album. One song will end and I can usually start singing along in the right key to the next song, pretty much in time. It's just how I am. So, the shuffle setting has been a little frustrating.

Until this morning. This morning I put my newly uploaded IPod in and was ready to be hit with whatever song shuffle choose...only to have it start with the first artist on the IPod and go through that artist's album song by song. Such a letdown! I wanted the randomness of the shuffle setting. I wanted to be thrown from introspective to high school to angry music to indie-rock, to alt-country to All Amy.

Which made me wonder if this is an indicator of my soul right now...all over the map, in shuffle mode. I kinda think it is.

It's all my fault

It's all my fault.

Last September when we started talking about VBS (Vacation Bible School) for this year, I made the crazy suggestion that we do our OWN thing. Not go through a box, but actually come up with everything ourselves. So off we went. Next week when kids come through the door they will be going "On the Road with Jesus". Nice catchy title isn't it? On the Road...hmmm, makes me think of a song...

When I was little we would start to drive somewhere on a trip and Yo Momma would start singing "On the Road again". Fast forward a few years and Yo Momma started driving on youth trips...and would sing into the walkie talkies "On the Road again..." my youth group picked that one up quickly. We go on a trip and somewhere along the way they will start singing, "On the Road again..."

So when I started thinking about songs for VBS, I thought of that song. I adjusted the lyrics for our audience and gave a copy to Train Guy and Adventure Boy for their approval.

K said to me yesterday "Adventure Boy got up this morning and started singing 'On the road again'. I couldn't figure out when he'd been listening to Willie Nelson and then remembered the CD." Turns out Adventure Boy has been listening to the CD every night as he falls asleep or in the morning or whenever he wants to. He's gonna have the lyrics to the songs down pat...

And it's all my fault.

Community

Papa Bear was a country music fan when I was growing up. Lil Bro and I always gave him a really bad time about his twangy music, never wanting to listen to it. But listen he did. There was one time when a song came on the radio and Papa Bear turned the volume up saying "You have to listen to this song!" It was called The Chair and was sung by George Strait. It was my first encounter with country music where I actually LIKED it.

Years later, Lil Bro and I are country music fans. Awhile back Papa Bear commented on a CD I was listening to with these words "that's a little twangy". Ha! It's funny how times change. Not being one that wants to push my musical style on anyone (especially because I get REALLY tired of people's comments about country music...I get it, you don't like it, stop talking!) I hesitated for half a second when I came across this article. It seems the gentleman, Hank Cochran, that co-wrote the song The Chair, passed away recently. The night before he died a few musicians gathered around his bedside and took turns passing around a guitar and singing to and with him. It made me smile and get teary reading the article. Too many people leave this world not knowing what a difference they made in others lives and this is the kind of thing that makes me love country music...it's not just about the music, it's about living as a community of artists and cherishing those who have made an impact and influence on your life.

I think the church needs to take a few lessons from the country music world in that regard.

Songs and God

The night before Opinionated Friend left for Rome, Mel and I went through the CD collection O.F. was leaving behind. One of those CD's was by an artist named JJ Heller, which I immediately grabbed up. I didn't put the CD in my car stereo until the next day...which was probably a good thing, in hindsight.

I've listened to nothing else over the last week and been ministered to by the lyrics in a very potent way. I can't stop crying. There's a lot of stuff rumbling beneath the surface for me lately. And lyrics, such as these, just keep speaking to my soul.**

Your Hands
I have unanswered prayers
I have trouble I wish wasn’t there
And I have asked a thousand ways
That you would take my pain away
You would take my pain away

I am trying to understand
How to walk this weary land
Make straight the paths that crooked lie
Oh Lord, before these feet of mine
Oh Lord, before these feet of mine

When my world is shaking, heaven stands
When my heart is breaking
I never leave your hands

When you walked upon the earth
You healed the broken, lost and hurt
I know you hate to see me cry
One day you will set all things right
Yeah, one day you will set all things right

When my world is shaking, heaven stands
When my heart is breaking
I never leave your hands

Your hands that shaped the world
Are holding me
They hold me still

**If you want to comment, please know that the LAST thing I want to hear is placations about how God will make things right. I trust that. Virtual hugs are better. Thanks.

Walking music

Tuesday night I went for a walk. Down the driveway, down the big hill, down the medium hill, down the small hill, down a mid-sized hill and then up a smallish hill and up a driveway to a friends house. She and Yo Momma are quilting buddies and they are working on a project for one of the Mississippi homeowners. I was picking up the quilted quilt.

After visiting, with the quilted quilt stored safely in my back pack, I started the trek back home. Down the driveway, down the smallish hill. Up the mid-sized hill, up the small hill, up the medium hill, up the big hill, up the driveway. Oh my breathing was a little more difficult on the way home.

All the while, I was listening to my I-pod, with one earbud only so I could hear the cars coming up and down the roads. Three songs down, four songs up. Not bad. Once at home, I took some time to catch my breath and cool off before going in the house. That's when the song came on. The song that I love, love, love. I had recently loaded it back on my I-pod after months of missing it. It's one of those songs, that though I love, love, love it, is not one that some people would expect to find on my I-pod. It's not one that some church people would appreciate or approve of, but ya know what? I love, love, love it and don't really care if others don't like it. I do. Hmmm...I think it's time to pull that CD off the shelf and go for a drive in the car on some back country roads so I can sing along...LOUD!

Ha!

I have been enjoying listening to music for free on Pandora.com at work. It's easier than downloading a bunch of songs onto my already slow computer and probably a better thing than wandering around with an I-Pod in all day.

Anyway, I have several "stations" on Pandora. Some very christian, some not so christian and one very country. The other day I found the button that said "quick mix". Ha! It's made for quite a listening experience.

Just listened to The Judds "Why Not Me" followed by David Crowder*Band "Never Let Go" to Goo Goo Dolls "Iris". Three songs I love, right in a row. It's almost like I'm listening to my I-Pod right now. How about that?!

Things going through my mind today

• Friends are good. Especially friends who don't mind if the lava cake one bakes is more lava-y than cake.
• Speaking of cakes...I watch those TV shows that have the cake dudes on them. I like them but something is bugging me. Do rice crispy treats count as cake? I see an awful lot of "cakes" made out of rice crispy treats. I get that it's a whole art form thing and that cake can't do some of the things they want, but does that make it cake or a big marshmallow cereal treat?
• One thing that always bugs me about the Olympics is the constant commentary from the so-called experts. Just hush already!!!!
• Speaking of the Olympics. Friday night we had an Olympic opening ceremony party with the young adult cake. I made cupcake torches, cake in ice cream cones. They kind of spilled over the edges and weren't perfect, which seemed fitting as things had gotten off to a less than stellar start to the Olympics. Then there was the mechanical failure with lighting the Olympic flame and, well, my torch cupcakes seemed pretty appropriate!
• I've been working on choosing music for Sunday mornings worship weeks in advance. We have a huge list of songs to choose from and I try not to repeat songs too often. I'm often amazed at how God weaves the songs together, even when I'm not fully aware of what's happening. Tonight we rehearsed for next Sunday. The first set of songs weave together so well, I can't believe it. Not just in the matter of the key and tempo but in theme. If it goes along well with the sermon on Sunday, well then God really is awesome! :)
• Many times Monday night rehearsals are a kind of therapy for me. Tonight especially. Music soothes my soul.
• I've been a church-girl my whole life but lately I'm really struggling with church. Lots of emotions and thoughts twirling through my head and many reasons for that struggle. Not sure I'm ready to share just needed to write those words down.
• Going back to Mississippi in 36 days. YES!!!!!
• There are a stack of books by my bed that I want to read. None of them, however are the fluff kind of book that my mind can handle. Lots of big thinking books, nothing fluffy. Bummer.
• Not that I should be reading books right now anyway! Time for bed. Nighty-night.
  

Musically speaking

NOTE: This started off as a rant and God turned it into something more constructive. Thanks, God.

I am a music person. I like to listen to music, I like to play music, I like to sing. It runs in the family. Yo Momma and G.G. are very musically talented as well. And Lil Bro has been known to hum a tune or two as well.

Lately, the music that I listen to has been limited. My in-dash CD player has eaten CD's and refuses to A.) play them or B.) spit them back out. Which leaves me with the radio or I-pod. The I-pod FM adapter has issues. If I hit any bumps on the road it cuts the power out, which cuts the I-pod off. Our roads are bumpy, thus, I tend to not use the I-pod very much which leaves the radio. In all the driving I've been doing the last month I've come to one definite conclusion about the choice of music on the radio...it stinks.

Yesterday, as the youth and I were traveling back home from SF, we switched between two radio stations and realized that we were hearing the same songs over and over and over again. I know, it's nothing new, it's been like this for ages, but it just bugged me anew. Why can't there be more variety? I love the radio stations that are playing "oldies" (aka 80's music. It's not that old and no comments about being in denial, people.) but they only play those songs for an hour and then it's back to the same 15 songs. Really? There are only 15 songs worth playing? I don't believe it.

It gets even worse because I refuse to listen to some songs on the radio, so then I'm switching stations all the time and really hearing those same 15 songs again and again and again. Radio is not my friend right now.

That is where this rant was originally gonna end. But then God reminded me of music that is good. Music that I love. If I could make my own radio station, I would play songs by this guy. This is Jared. He's 17. He has written, recorded, produced and distributed 4 CD's, the latest being this one:
It's available on I-Tunes, and on his website...all for free. My absolute favorite song on the CD is God Speak. Give it a listen! Jared is amazing and is a blessing to those of us who know him. God has seriously blessed him with a heart for songwriting and worship leading. One of these days I'm gonna say "I knew him when...". Way to go J-Rad!

A song for Monday

When my soul has cried its tears

and my heart begins to faint,

will You draw near

will You meet with me?

When my days are filled with longing

and my spirit groans and waits

will You draw near

will You meet with me?

I'm calling and waiting

Your presence, Lord, is life to me.

Breathe on me now as I bow down

I'm desperate, Lord, for more of You.

Come satisfy until I am

even more in need of You.

When my dreams have been forgotten

and my hope begins to fade

will You draw near

will You meet with me?

When my days are filled with searching

and my strength has give way

will You draw near

will You meet with me?

I'm calling and waiting
Your presence, Lord, is life to me.

Breathe on me now as I bow down
I'm desperate, Lord, for more of You.
Come satisfy until I am
even more in need of You.

Music and lyrics by Kathryn Scott© 2003 Vertical Worship Songs CCLI# 4130215