Nature's fireworks

I sat under the stars last night.

In the coolness off the early dark of night.

I sat looking at the sky, watching for the zip and swoosh of meteorites.

The sounds of cars, zipping and swooshing on the roads through town came filtering up to my place on the deck.

A sudden splash and sounds of laughter alerted me to the neighbor boys enjoying their pool. "Marco." "POLO!"

I sat watching the sky for movement and saw the lights of planes heading to and from the two big airports 30 and 60+ miles away.  There were a lot of planes.

The neighbors below were out watching the sky as well. Lovely lady neighbor ooohed and aaahhed as a meteorite slashed across the sky.

I leaned my head back on the chair, fighting to stay awake...watchful...hopeful...THERE!

An owl softly booted somewhere nearby.

The light clicked on in the garage...we have rodents.

My eyes grew heavy but I didn't want to leave my place on the deck.

Zip! Swoosh! "Wow!" I said to the night sky.

The coolness started to chill my tired body. I had to get up in 6 hours...I could just sleep here. Maybe wake up in the middle of the night to view more of nature's fireworks.

One more, just one more...beautiful.

Time for bed.

Happiness is..

• Driving teenagers on adventures.
• Baking with friends and learning a new recipe...Thanks Margaret!
• An I-Pod filled with songs that bring happy memories.
• Cool evenings that take away the heat of the day.
• Quinoa salad...thanks K for the inspiration!
• Reading M's blog.
• Texts that remind me I'm not the only awkward one in the world.
• Hanging out with Yo Momma.
• Thursday nights commute home.
• Netflix on my Kindle.
• 3 CHP officers on the big hill during today's commute.  A good reminder to drive slower and hopefully a sign of better presence in the weeks to come!
• A new wall hanging and a new arrangement of items on another wall.
• Hair dye...I'm just not ready for the world to see all the gray hair on my head.
• Skirts.  I'm loving wearing skirts this summer...though the wind could be a little lighter when I'm outside.  There have been some close calls with the whipping wind.
• Books.
• Shakespeare on the lake!
• The anticipation of seeing plays in Ashland.
• An upcoming trip that will include seeing friends in San Diego and...
• A couple of days in Disneyland and a stay at the Paradise Pier Hotel. I'm so excited!
• A new desk at work.
• Miss Nancy.
• A new season of The Walking Dead...two weeks until it begins.  Do not ask me how I became addicted to this show.  It's very unlike me.
• Photos of Papa Bear.
• God who loves me...despite me.

The gift of comfort from an unexpected source

"Hey," said the voice, as I walked by the table outside my favorite dining establishment in small town.  I braced myself as I turned to look at the person who belonged to the voice.  I was sure it was one of two types of people, someone from town who knew my family and wanted to offer their sympathy or one of the local homeless/down on their luck folks who occasionally ask for help.  Turned out to be both in one.

As I swung around, I looked into the eyes of R.  I've written about him before.  I smiled, as best I could, and said "Hey, how's it going," and there was this silence and a look in his eyes...then he got up and suddenly his arms were around me, holding me close as he whispered, "I'm sorry." 

I whispered back, in a very shaky voice, "Thank you, R.  Thank you."  After a moment, he stepped back and went back to his seat.  I smiled again, struggling to keep the tears at bay, and said "Thank you" again, before I turned and headed to my car.  I cried all the way home.  Shuddering sobs.  The gaping wound in my soul was opened again, but also soothed...by someone unexpected but very welcomed.

I caught a glimpse, yet again, of the beauty of R's soul tonight, of the person behind the addictions, of the person behind the label "homeless".  I was given the gift of comfort from an unexpected source.  It's a gift I'm going to cherish for a long, long time on this journey of grief.

Holy Conversations

A couple Saturday's ago I met with a friend for coffee.  It's a regular occurrence, usually at the same place and the conversation takes whatever path it needs.  I look forward to these coffee times, simply because I leave feeling loved and centered again.  Most times there are three or four of us who meet together.  We sit outside and watch the crazy drivers and near miss accidents.  We talk, we laugh, we commiserate, we share life together and it is good.

Last Friday, I will met with a different friend, at a different coffee shop for an entirely different conversation.  Our political and theological viewpoints are on much the same level.  I will left that conversation feeling, again, loved and centered but also like I am not alone in my view of what it means to be a Christ follower in this world.

On Monday evenings for a few months at a time, I gather with a group of friends around a television for a couple of hours, as we watch people make fools of themselves.  Those two hours are filled with snarky comments, yummy snacks, times of checking in with each other and a lot of laughter.  Most Mondays, the majority of the group leaves one by one until there are just a few of us left and we break into serious conversations about life.  I leave those conversations feeling, loved, accepted and understood...and centered.

Are you seeing the theme?

With each person, each group, each conversation there is an element of faith, a discussion of belief and at some point a revelation.  Sometimes they are major revelations, sometimes they are minor.  Saturday's coffee conversation reoriented my outlook on my career at the this moment in time.  Monday evenings conversations reminded me of the good of being known by others. Friday's conversation brought much needed laughter and understanding to my weary soul. Each revelation comes through a conversation.  A holy conversation.  I am grateful for those who speak and those who listen.  I am grateful for the conversations.  I am grateful for the revelations.  I am grateful for the people with whom I meet and the love, acceptance, centered, life confirming, hope that comes through these holy conversations.

I pray, this week, that you may have a holy conversation, where God shows up even if you don't recognize God's presence until much, much later.

A message from God

I'm telling this tale because my friend Jeffy hasn't told it himself yet (hint, hint) and I need to associate something fun with church today.  All inaccuracies to the story are my own.

My friend Jeffy was once the custodian at Old Church.  He had to quit after his shoulder started giving him trouble and he couldn't manhandle the chairs and tables anymore.  The church hired someone new.  Old Church has gone through a lot of custodians.  A couple have been good and actually cleaned.  Most were nightmares.  Serious nightmares.  I was once accused of not liking homeless people because I pointed out that the current custodian wasn't doing his job. He wasn't homeless and it's a LONG story.

Anyhow, the newest custodian is one of the those custodians that needs a little assistance in cleaning the restrooms, so Jeffy has been going in and cleaning the restrooms.  Recently, Jeffy was at the church cleaning the night after the kids program had been held.  He was in the women's restroom checking the "little boxes" that tend to stink to high heaven if they aren't emptied within a day. He opened one box, peered in and noticed something in there but not what he expected.  That happens from time to time. Those little boxes sometimes just hold regular trash.  He pulled out the bag and at the bottom was an offering envelope.  Yes, you read that right, an offering envelope.  One from the pews in the Sanctuary.  It gets better.

On the front of the envelope was written.  "God has something good to tell you."  Jeffy chuckled a little, turned the envelope over and opened it up.  Written on the inside was this message:

"God thinks you are nice."

Sometimes God shows up in the most unexpected places.

Less Miserable

A few months ago I was with K, N, Adventure Boy, Creative Guy and Grammy for a birthday/Oscar party night.  We all sat around the dinner table enjoying BBQ ribs and watching the beautiful people on TV being awarded for their movie efforts.  Les Miserables was up for some award and N started to make a comment about the movie saying, "Le Miserables...".  Creative Guy, the 8 year old young reader, looked at the TV screen and said "No Dad, it's LESS miserable."  All the adults in the room shared a look and tried really hard not to giggle too much.

I told the Bachelor Viewing crew that and we laughed and laughed and laughed.  It was a completely innocent remark on the part of a young reader and yet...

A few weeks ago I was walking down the sidewalk towards the light rail.  I tend to smile at people if we make eye contact and as I passed a lady she returned my smile with a big smile of her own.  I almost stopped on the sidewalk in shock.  I'm so used to smiling at people and getting nothing, NOTHING in return.  People either don't want to smile back and thereby invite a complete stranger to talk with them or they just aren't happy and so they don't smile.

I've been in the "just not happy" place in life.  I've done my fair share of whining and yet that simple statement by my 8 year old godson has had me thinking...less miserable.

I believe there are people who live life to be miserable.  I KNOW people who are determined to be miserable.  Something happens that annoys them the slightest bit and the drama begins.  Huge, sweeping, dramatic statements are made.  Everyone is out to get them.  Nothing goes their way EVER.  They move from one place of unhappiness to another, destined determined to be miserable.  They are also determined to make everyone around them miserable as well...or at least determined to see the world in a negative manner.

I can't live that way.  There are big, awful things happening in the world.  There are awful things happening all over the world that we simply don't hear about.  Not just awful, horrific, unspeakable acts occur all the time that we in US never, ever hear about.  In light of that, the fact that I'm not 100% happy right now doesn't mean much.  I look at my life and I see a lot to be less miserable about.  A roof over my head, a family that loves me, a God who offers grace and compassion all the time, friends who make me laugh, a job that doesn't stink, a car that works most of the time now, some money less money in the bank because of said car.  Not perfect but definitely not miserable.

There is a part of me convinced that being miserable is a state of mind.  I can choose to dwell on the crappy things in life, I can choose to think about the good things.  I can choose to remind myself over and over again about those qualities I find lacking or I can choose to remember the gifts and talents I've been blessed with.  I can choose to feel miserable or I can choose to be less miserable.

Some days it is admittedly harder than others to choose the less miserable point of view and yet today I think I am going to take a lesson, however inadvertent, from an 8 year old and be less miserable.

A job perk

My new office is located in an office building complex.  There are six buildings total, with 5 floors each.  5 of the buildings surround a really beautiful courtyard complete with a fountain.  It's kind of like an oasis in the middle of energy.  Very peaceful and quiet even though there is a major road just one building over and the airport can be see just beyond that.  The building complex itself is just one of many in the area.  Down the street is a TV station, a probation office and then eBay/PayPal. There are companies with the "semiconductors" or "microsystems" in their name as well. Welcome to Silicon Valley.

Today, I discovered a perk to working in this particular area.  On the first floor, one building over is a cafe.  It's a cute place with soup, salads, sandwiches and some amazing baked goods.  I had lunch their with one of the people who had come in to train me the other day.  Or rather, we went in, ordered our food and then took it back to the office because it was so crowded in the cafe.

Yesterday I went in for a pick-me-up.  Peanut Butter Cup Brownie.  It was a chocolate brownie with a dollop of peanut butter in the middle.  So good.  Today as I was getting ready for work I realized I hadn't planned for my lunch.  I decided to just grab something on my way over.  That didn't happen (can anyone say traffic?) so when lunch rolled around I decided just to go down to the cafe.  First, though, I decided to look at their menu online.

That's when I noticed it...the "order here" button.  What?  I could order BEFORE going to the cafe.  Sweet.  And then I noticed the other part, "pay here".  Ohhhh it just gets better.  By the time I was done, I had created an account (buy 12 lunches and get one free), plunked in my debit card number and ordered my lunch to be ready in 30 minutes.  20 minutes later my cell phone buzzed and the text message (yes, I said text message) said "Lunch is ready!".  I went down through that courtyard oasis, to the cafe and picked up the bag that was waiting with my name on it.  Heaven!

I plan on taking my lunch much more than buying lunch but what a sweet service that is!  And what a great excuse to take a break, to breathe in fresh air and enjoy the beauty of my surroundings.

Keeping Secrets

Yesterday, K happened to pull into the church parking lot where Opinionated Friend (who is back in the US for a while, yay!) were standing talking.  In the car were Creative Guy and Adventure Boy.  Thursday is the last day of Kindergarten for Creative Guy.  He proudly shared that he read "42 words, 3 times" yesterday.  Way to go Creative Guy!  Reading has been a challenge this year.  The doors closed to the car and I asked K if they had gotten a copy of Chicken Little yet.  Her answer was no and as soon as she said that the car door popped open and Creative Guy bounded out.  "What are you talking about?" was the question.  "Secrets" was K's answer.  He promptly said "We don't keep secrets!"  I love the wisdom of a 6 year old.  It usually sounds like your own wisdom being turned back towards you.  :)

We all keep secrets, though, don't we?  Some are superficial things, books we don't want people to know we've read, music we don't want people to know we listen to, ideas that we don't really want to share.  Some are big things.  Things that we carry around like weights on our shoulders.  Things that burden us so much that soon we are hunched over from the enormity of it all.  Sometimes the secrets are so heavy that it's all we can do to move.

Today as I was cleaning out my inbox I came across an email sent years ago by a friend.  They were keeping a secret, a big one and this is what came out "I  haven’t confided in anyone. I got X the help they needed then and carried on. But every bit of this is spilling out into ‘real life’ right in front of me. I can’t go on pretending that everything is fine when it isn’t. It hasn’t been."  Secrets have a way of finding the light of day.

Two weeks ago, I sat on the shores of Lake Tahoe watching waves crash against the rocks, feeling the sun and the wind on my skin and sharing my secrets with God.  Which, in the grand scheme of things aren't really secrets from God, seeing as how I believe God is all-seeing and all-knowing.  Maybe what I did was admit the secrets to myself.  The secrets that I've been harboring for a while that have been weighing down my soul, causing my back to hunch and my spirits to fall.  They weren't earth shattering.  They didn't make God cringe in disgust (which I don't believe God does anyway) but they were my secrets, they were real for me.

In the space of four days God took those secrets and exposed them...to the whole group that I was with.  I found myself opening my mouth and sharing things that I really didn't want to share, that felt a little too dangerous to share...and yet it was freeing as well.  The secrets were revealed and the people there took them, gave them the weight and seriousness they needed and then let.them.go.

I learned a lesson that week from God and the people I was with.  I came home knowing that it was time to share a secret with those around me.  Nothing earth shattering, nothing devastating just a secret that it was time to share.

Opinionated Friend said last night, as we stood talking in the parking lot, that there was something different about me.  Yep, there is...I'm sharing my secret, a few people at a time.  The burden is lifting from my shoulders.  I feel lighter, happier, more at peace within my soul.  It is good. 

One day, soon, I'll tell you, Internet friends.  I promise.  It just can't be today.   

The dress

For the last few years there have been three--wait make that four--"bridesmaid" dresses in my closet...one isn't really a bridesmaid dress but was worn at a wedding.  Three were actually worn in a wedding.  One was bought and then the wedding was canceled. 

The three that were worn were pretty.  One I didn't think I would like and wound up really liking.  If there was another occasion to wear it, I might...it has to be the right circumstances though.  The one that wasn't worn I liked.  I liked a lot.  It had a good shape, was a good color and with a little editing (those flowers) it would have been perfect.  It cost a good bit of money, so I've had a hard time letting it go.  At one point I thought maybe I would sell them on ebay or craigslist but I just didn't get there.

A month or so ago, I read in the local paper that a local cleaners was collecting used prom dresses.  They would clean them and then allow girls in the community who couldn't afford to purchase a new dress to come in and choose a prom dress.  I thought about those dresses in my closet...especially the one never worn and decided it was time.

The dress hung close to the door waiting to be taken away.  A friend came over, saw it and oohed and aahed over it...I knew it needed to go to a new home.  A week ago, I drove down to the cleaners.  I pulled up in front of the shop and retrieved the dress from my trunk.  As I walked in the door, the lady behind the counter looked up and literally dropped everything, ran around the counter saying "Thank you, thank you, thank you!" and gave me a big hug as she accepted the dress.  "It's beautiful" she exclaimed.

Somewhere, this prom season, some young lady, who doesn't fit the conventional idea of beautiful, will be stunning in a brand new dress...and I think that's good.

Finding hope

I've been spending a lot of time with "young adults" lately...those out of high school, maybe in college, maybe not, mostly without kids and generally under the age of 30. It's part of the change in my job in the last few months as we seek to help the young adults who graduate out of the youth program to remain connected to their faith. We have gathered every other Sunday or so and have been reading through a book on faith. It's been fascinating to listen to the conversation, to participate in the conversations without feeling the need to lead them anywhere. Awesome.

What I've come to appreciate is that they are all there, not because someone is forcing them to be there or because they feel obligated but because they genuinely want to gather, talk and explore faith. We aren't all on the same page but there is a mutual respect and understanding that we are there to encourage and not condemn, to listen but not argue, to learn from each other and not be dominated by one personality. It's been so refreshing to be a part of this group.

Lately, in conversations about faith with "adults" (those not categorized by the definition) I've found that there has been more complaining rather than encouraging, more arguing rather than listening, more dominating than mutual respect. With maturity and a longer lived life comes more experience and a jaded view of life and God. There's less hope, more well, more sarcasm for lack of the word I'm looking for. I've gotten to the point that I try to avoid the subject of faith with some in my life because I just don't want to hear it anymore. Really. I get that there is discontent, that life is hard, that God doesn't make sense at times but seriously, I believe that there is always hope.

So, I've decided that I'm gonna just hang out more with those in the "young adult" group and soak in their voices. I will listen to their views, talk about God and faith and soak in the hope that underlies the words that they are saying. In the meantime, I will be hopeful that those in that other group will influenced by these voices and find hope in faith and God again.

Finding the good...Emi edition

I'm needing to remind myself of the good parts of church and make it public so people will remind me, gently, when I'm feeling VERY frustrated with church, about the good. I wasn't creative enough to come up with a name for this *series* on the last blog, but creativity hit today. It will be called finding the good. I don't know how many editions there will be, but thanks for reading.

Emi has been coming to Worship Team practice since before birth. She's been loved by us all for that long as well. When Emi was a baby, she would come in her car seat, bottle close at hand. I remember the first time Adventure Boy got a good look at Emi...he was enthralled! He looked at me, pointed and said "baby!". It was adorable.

Meg is a fabulous, comfy Mom and happy to share her daughters with us, so Emi has been passed around a lot, being held in the loving arms of adopted aunts and grandma's. As Emi has gotten older, she's gotten quite the personality and developed some characteristics that just melt the heart. Her smile can light up the room. She can make me laugh like no other...a few weeks ago she came in with hot chocolate in hand saying "It's freezing" in her two year old speech. Kanda bought Emi a microphone, when Emi tried to steal the microphones from whoever had her at the moment. The sound the microphone made was quickly silenced, which didn't phase Emi in the least...until she figured out that it wasn't making the same sounds the other microphones were. She's a smart one!

A while back, Yo Momma was holding Emi and decided that it was time to sit down, so Yo Momma sat on the top step of the stage and held Emi in her arms. Emi snuggled right in. I got a little teary watching the two of them. The next week, Emi came up to Yo Momma and stood looking up at her expectantly as to say "Sit down, it's snuggle time."

Most Sunday's Kanda can be found in the sound/media booth running the computer. Emi usually greets everyone on the stage and then heads back to Kanda. She knows that Kanda will scoop her up, cuddle with her and draw with her...or let her push the buttons on the computer!

Today, Emi came in feeling under the weather. She was snuggled up to Meg, not making much eye contact with anyone. She didn't want to go to Yo Momma, she wasn't gonna smile, she just snuggled in with her mom and was there. And then, she seemed to gather a little bit of energy. She wriggled down from Meg's lap and wandered off towards the back of the sanctuary to Kanda. They cuddled, they pushed the computers buttons, they drew pictures.

After church, Meg, Emi and Nat were getting ready to leave. Nat came running up to me for a hug and right behind her was Emi, arms outstretched smile on her face in her polka dot pjs (cuz little girls who don't feel good can wear their pjs to church!) ready for her hug. It struck me then, how grateful I am, for a church family who loves each other. For people like Yo Momma and Kanda who can step in as grandma's for a little girl, who are free with their cuddles, snuggles and hugs. For a place where a child can grow up secure in the knowledge that there are people looking out for her, loving her, cheering her on, eager to share whatever they can and blessed to be a part of her life.

Emi helped me find the good today.