Tuesday, June 7, 2011

Keeping Secrets

Yesterday, K happened to pull into the church parking lot where Opinionated Friend (who is back in the US for a while, yay!) were standing talking.  In the car were Creative Guy and Adventure Boy.  Thursday is the last day of Kindergarten for Creative Guy.  He proudly shared that he read "42 words, 3 times" yesterday.  Way to go Creative Guy!  Reading has been a challenge this year.  The doors closed to the car and I asked K if they had gotten a copy of Chicken Little yet.  Her answer was no and as soon as she said that the car door popped open and Creative Guy bounded out.  "What are you talking about?" was the question.  "Secrets" was K's answer.  He promptly said "We don't keep secrets!"  I love the wisdom of a 6 year old.  It usually sounds like your own wisdom being turned back towards you.  :)

We all keep secrets, though, don't we?  Some are superficial things, books we don't want people to know we've read, music we don't want people to know we listen to, ideas that we don't really want to share.  Some are big things.  Things that we carry around like weights on our shoulders.  Things that burden us so much that soon we are hunched over from the enormity of it all.  Sometimes the secrets are so heavy that it's all we can do to move.

Today as I was cleaning out my inbox I came across an email sent years ago by a friend.  They were keeping a secret, a big one and this is what came out "I  haven’t confided in anyone. I got X the help they needed then and carried on. But every bit of this is spilling out into ‘real life’ right in front of me. I can’t go on pretending that everything is fine when it isn’t. It hasn’t been."  Secrets have a way of finding the light of day.

Two weeks ago, I sat on the shores of Lake Tahoe watching waves crash against the rocks, feeling the sun and the wind on my skin and sharing my secrets with God.  Which, in the grand scheme of things aren't really secrets from God, seeing as how I believe God is all-seeing and all-knowing.  Maybe what I did was admit the secrets to myself.  The secrets that I've been harboring for a while that have been weighing down my soul, causing my back to hunch and my spirits to fall.  They weren't earth shattering.  They didn't make God cringe in disgust (which I don't believe God does anyway) but they were my secrets, they were real for me.

In the space of four days God took those secrets and exposed them...to the whole group that I was with.  I found myself opening my mouth and sharing things that I really didn't want to share, that felt a little too dangerous to share...and yet it was freeing as well.  The secrets were revealed and the people there took them, gave them the weight and seriousness they needed and then let.them.go.

I learned a lesson that week from God and the people I was with.  I came home knowing that it was time to share a secret with those around me.  Nothing earth shattering, nothing devastating just a secret that it was time to share.

Opinionated Friend said last night, as we stood talking in the parking lot, that there was something different about me.  Yep, there is...I'm sharing my secret, a few people at a time.  The burden is lifting from my shoulders.  I feel lighter, happier, more at peace within my soul.  It is good. 

One day, soon, I'll tell you, Internet friends.  I promise.  It just can't be today.   

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