Done

Last spring, Youth Pastor friend made the decision to step away from full-time ministry.  Can I just say, for the record, the timing between Youth Pastor friend making his decision official and leaving and my Dad's diagnosis and death really, really *ahem* stunk.  But that's all for another post.  Anyway, Youth Pastor friend's last day was the last Sunday in July 2014.  A day later we learned there was a new Children and Youth Director starting the following Friday.  A day later.

Side note:  On behalf of volunteers in churches, I humbly ask that church hiring committees include at least one person who is involved in the specific ministry in question in the conversation about who is being hired...they don't have to be on the committee but at the very least ask for their input and then keep them in the loop about where the process stands.  I cannot emphasize that last part enough.

It was a rocky start.  The volunteer leaders were incredibly offended by the lack of communication (or warning) of someone new coming on board.  Eventually, I sat down with the Lead Pastor and had a very open and honest conversation about the whole thing...as a volunteer and as former youth director.  It was an incredibly wonderful, refreshing conversation.

The New Director was gracious and willing to work with the team and couldn't be faulted for the beginning.  However, new beginnings are always difficult, especially with a group of 15 High School Seniors who just didn't want to adjust to a new person.  It was tough going.  As we moved farther and farther along, the High School leaders were all coming to a realization.  All five of us, unbeknownst to the others, decided we were done.  D.O.N.E.  It wasn't healthy for us to continue as volunteers, knowing that we were having a hard time with some changes and feeling as though we were part of the reason why the group wasn't able to move forward.   And then New Director announced his resignation.

It was when we sat down with some church leaders to discuss how things were going to proceed (yes, I pushed that meeting) that we all figured out just close we had all come to quitting.  As we talked, it became apparent that we could keep things running through the end of the school year but after that two of the leaders definitely couldn't continue, one leader could continue but only until August, another leader was on the fence and really needed a break and then there was me.  Four years ago, I could have run the program all summer by myself...when I was in full-time ministry!  Now, there's not a chance.  My 45+ hour a week job/commute barely allows me to be a competent volunteer.

So, the volunteers agreed to run weekly meetings through the end of the school year.  We've been very open about our intentions with the Deacon board.  We just can't keep going at the rate we're going.  It's painful.  It's hard to seemingly walk away from the students and this program that we have invested ourselves so deeply in, but this youth ministry train needs a really good engineer who is going to put time and energy it and make it work.  We just can't keep pushing the train with a missing wheel, a wonky track and no coal or steam to power it.

Parents and church members have not been afraid to let me/us know just how they feel about the lack of youth group over the summer.  I walked into church this morning and the person leading the announcements and prayer* started off by saying how disappointed she and her 14 year old son were that there wasn't anything happening over the summer.  Not in a "we're so thankful for the volunteers who kept this going for the last three months and know they need a break" understanding kind of way, either.  Then the person reading the scripture said pretty much the same thing.  And then someone after church stopped me and said the same thing.  Not one of those individuals volunteered to help do anything about the situation, though.  They just lamented at the lack of something happening.





I left church this morning really, really tired, discouraged and done in a whole new sense.  I don't need daily thank yous or to be told how wonderful we are, but I do need to hear grace, compassion and understanding amongst the laments.  Sadly, in this situation, that has been lacking.  One of the youth volunteers said on Wednesday night, as we were kind of debriefing and looking ahead, "I won't be coming to this church again."  Wednesday night I was frustrated with that statement...this morning I got it.

*She also chastised those of us who come late to church on Sundays...and then her sons and husband walked into the sanctuary five minutes later.  Words fail.

On the other side of the pew

Christmas Eve found Yo Momma and I in a small Presbyterian church in Lake-town.  We have been there before, for Christmas Eve services. The sanctuary is always beautifully decorated and cozy.  It was a nice service and helped me to usher in Christmas as best I could this year.

Going to this church reminded me of what I love about small churches.  There is a beautiful, awkward, tenderness with small churches, especially when it comes to putting their best foot forward for times when the expected crowd will be filled with unfamiliar faces.

Here's some examples of what I mean:

• Everyone was handed a bulletin when they entered.  All the hymns were typed into the bulletin, and there were five hymns, along with all the scripture readings, thus the four page bulletin was in 9pt. font.  And we were reading it in a darkened building.  I appreciated that everything was there and we wouldn't need to fumble through the hymnal but...
• Thankfully, the words to all the songs and the readings and responsive readings were projected on a screen.  I have absolutely no problem with projection systems in sanctuarys.  I prefer to look up when I sing, rather than bury my head in a hymnal or bulletin.  It's much more worshipful to me.  A typo did catch my attention, though, during the responsive reading.  Instead of "And we are stunned"  it read "And we arse stunned".  Having been the one putting the media stuff together, I know how easy it is to make those mistakes...and miss them completely until it's projected on the screen for all to read.  (I smiled with memories of the year that Yo Momma was the church secretary who typed out the words to Silent Night in the bulletin only to find, on Christmas Eve as we were singing if I remember correctly, that she had typed out "Silent Night, Holy Night, all is calm, ass is bright".)
• A couple of choir members were honored with lighting the advent candles.  All was going well until the Christ candle was to be lit.  The woman who was so excited to light that candle hadn't been given instructions on using the candle lighter and the wick wasn't far enough out of the candle lighter so as she valiantly tried to light the candle, it just wouldn't catch.  Her friend, beside her, kept trying to help but didn't want to ruin the moment.  Finally as everyone bowed their head for prayer, the problem was solved, the candle was lit and I breathed a sigh of relief for them.
• The time came for the offering and as the Pastor gave the introduction and started to pray, I heard the lady in the pew behind me whisper urgently to her partner, "Offering time, that's you!"  He scampered up to the front, the offering was taken while a soloist sang and then came more whispering, "What do I do with the offering?  Should I take it up now, should I wait?"  The person was told to take it to the front of the sanctuary but not before they took a few steps, then turned around to double check with the person in the back and before heading up again.

The service was nice.  The Pastor was personable, sincere and humble.  The choir sang well...though, the next time I hear someone complain about the guitar/piano/worship band being too loud, I'm going to tell them that organ's aren't particularly quiet instruments themselves...yesh. The offering was taken without mishap.  We were welcomed when we walked in the door and I left the church service with a smile on my face, more for the comfort of seeing, watching and hearing the familiar, than anything else.  There are moments I miss those days of being up front and doing my best to create an environment where people can meet Jesus in a meaningful way...but sometimes it's nice to be on the other side of the pew, where I can smile to myself, empathize when things go awry and smile and say "Thank you, that was lovely" as I walk out into the cold, dark night.

Blue Christmas - A reaction to a Facebook thread

Every once in a while something will trigger a reaction I did not anticipate.  I try not to be a reactionary person, but rather one who takes a step back from my reactions and examines the whole situation before moving forward.  What this means is that in conversations or places where I can leave a comment, I don't say anything.  Many times, my initial reaction will be off the charts ridiculous and it's better that I didn't say/write anything at all.  Sometimes, though, my reactions are sound and deserve to be aired, however long it takes.

When I was still working for Old Church, I became aware of a service that some churches hold around Christmas called "Blue Christmas".  Some call it the service "The Longest Night of the Year".  I prefer Blue Christmas.  The premise of this service, as I understand it, is to offer a time in the midst of the Christmas season, to remember, to contemplate, to acknowledge that for some people the Christmas season isn't a happy, joyous occasion.  I broached the subject of a Blue Christmas service with Old Church staff and it went nowhere.  At that point in time, I wasn't willing to push the envelope and yet I was constantly mindful that though the season of Christmas, for Christ followers, is celebrating the birth of new life in the form of a baby named Jesus, not everyone could embrace the celebration...even Christ followers.  The deaths, literal and metaphorical, in their lives simply swamped them and the joy of the season was muted.

A friend of mine, Ralphie, participated in a Blue Christmas service last year.  He and LN invited me to attend.  I had other things happening and couldn't, but this year, oh this year, I have been anticipating that service with a ferocity.  I need to be able to sit, in the midst of the joy of the Christmas season, and allow the pain and sorrow of this last year to surface.  I need the church universal to stand with me in my grief and pain and give me a space, with Christmas decorations all around, to allow the tears to flow and my heart to grieve the loss of my Dad.  (Of course, it will probably be held on the weekend that I have planned to be out of town but still, if I'm around, I'M THERE!)

Awhile back, in a group I am a part of on FB, a thread was started about Blue Christmas services and among the comments was one that triggered a reaction.  A very strong reaction.  I shut down FB, walked away from the computer and cried.  I don't believe the comment wasn't meant for harm, simply an observation from one person's perspective.  In that moment, however, I was thrown back into a state of wondering why I do church anymore.  

My reaction wasn't rational, yet at the same time there is an element that I believe church folks need to hear and be reminded of, as we approach the season of Christmas.   I can only speak from my perspective and so I offer my truth this Christmas season.  I love Jesus, I love the Christmas season and yet I'm going to have trouble finding joy this Christmas.

Please don't deny, belittle or otherwise make light of those who aren't joyful this Christmas season.  For it isn't Jesus' birth that makes us sad, it's the life and love we find and lose on this earth that brings sorrow, heartache and grief.  Yes, there is joy in Jesus and yes, there is joy in Christmas but the reality of life means we also deal with the reality of loss.  In diminishing or otherwise denying that reality, we risk alienating the very people who need us the most this Christmas season.

Ralphie asked if I would be willing to sing with him at the Blue Christmas service this year, a song that we had sung together three years ago at a joy-filled Christmas celebration.  I answered honestly, I'm not sure that I will be able to sing.  But, if I'm in town, I will pull out my guitar and play as he sings.  I will allow the words to penetrate my grief-stricken heart and give myself the space to be sad in a season of joy and take comfort in a body of believers who recognize "through all my tears, for what I've lost, there's still my joy for Christmas day."

http://youtu.be/qGLA3QNEyVA

Taking responsibility

"This is all your fault, well, you and J.B*,"  New Pastor at New Church said to me on Christmas Eve.

I looked around the room, at the 75 or so people mingling and laughing, hugging and reconnecting.  I looked around the room with the multiple Christmas trees, twinkling lights, the angels and wreaths, the candles and the kids attempting to keep their candle lit as long as possible.  The music we had sung, the scripture that was read, the message of enjoying the presents and the presence (of Jesus), the story time with kids gathered listening eagerly and the sounds of children being children throughout the service filtered back through my mind.

I thought back to the day we were decorating the church for the Christmas season, with college students in abundance clearly enjoying putting up trees and decorations, when Yo Momma came up to me and said "New Pastor isn't sure if we will have a Christmas Eve service this year."  I thought back to my immediate reaction "What?  Why?  I will lead the music if that's the problem."  Low attendance the year before was one of the reasons.  "That's not a good enough reason for me."  I said.  I approached New Pastor moments later and said "I will be happy to lead music for the Christmas Eve service if the usual people don't want to."  I got an email that following Tuesday...Christmas Eve was on.

I thought back to all those things, to Yo Momma and I leading in Christmas Carols of joy as we had done together so often in the past, looked at New Pastor and smiled, "I'm okay with this being my fault.  I gladly take responsibility."

*Giving credit where credit is due, J.B. came up to Yo Momma after the service and thanked her for helping to lead the music and encouraging New Pastor to have the Christmas Eve service.  She's an instigator!

My place of ministry

*Much of this post was originally written in March.*

"You should write a book."  My friend the manager of the Office Suite where I work said that to me this morning.  That was after she had come into my office and sat for 10 minutes recapping all that had gone on in the office since I was last there on Thursday.  That conversation was followed by a visit from the gentleman down the hall who walks by my office heading towards the coffee room about 5 times a day.  Which was followed by a quick visit to the front desk where the receptionist unloaded her frustrations.  Then the phone call came from the office manager, "you should write a book about all of us who tell you all this stuff."

There are people I know who believe ministry only happens in the context of talking about God and Jesus.  If you aren't sharing about God or Jesus and lives aren't being "saved", then you aren't really doing ministry.  There are people who think ministry only happens in a church building on Sunday mornings by one person (in their minds that person should be male) who talks at you for 45 minutes.  There are people who believe I left ministry behind when God called me out of my job as Youth and Young Adult Director at the church of my past.

I have news for them.  I am doing "ministry".  My ministry involves listening to the people who show up at my office door during the day.  Some walk in and sit down in the chair, some just stand awhile.  Sometimes ministry happens in the hallways or by the coffee pots.  My ministry involves laughing with them, counseling them, asking about their lives, hearing their complaints, pointing out the positive, sympathizing with the tough parts and praying for them.  Praying for them as they are there, as they talk, as they are walking out the door and times in between.

Some people to whom I minister believe in God, some people don't.  I don't ask questions about their faith; As I listen to their stories their beliefs come to light sooner or later.  My job isn't to do anything but listen and pray.  Yes, in the eyes of many in the circle of Christianity, this makes me a horrible evangelist.  I'm really okay with that.

My ministry isn't just regulated to the ones who come into the office, I also minister to the one's whom I interact with via email and phone calls.  I minister as I solve problems, answer questions, reassure, encourage, equip, apologize, point out problems and so much more.  My ministry happens in an office building, near the airport, on the 2nd floor, surrounded by lawyers and CPA's, start up tech companies, a chiropractor, an acupuncturist and other businesses of which I have no idea what they do.  It's definitely not a church building but it's ministry all the same.

A message from God

I'm telling this tale because my friend Jeffy hasn't told it himself yet (hint, hint) and I need to associate something fun with church today.  All inaccuracies to the story are my own.

My friend Jeffy was once the custodian at Old Church.  He had to quit after his shoulder started giving him trouble and he couldn't manhandle the chairs and tables anymore.  The church hired someone new.  Old Church has gone through a lot of custodians.  A couple have been good and actually cleaned.  Most were nightmares.  Serious nightmares.  I was once accused of not liking homeless people because I pointed out that the current custodian wasn't doing his job. He wasn't homeless and it's a LONG story.

Anyhow, the newest custodian is one of the those custodians that needs a little assistance in cleaning the restrooms, so Jeffy has been going in and cleaning the restrooms.  Recently, Jeffy was at the church cleaning the night after the kids program had been held.  He was in the women's restroom checking the "little boxes" that tend to stink to high heaven if they aren't emptied within a day. He opened one box, peered in and noticed something in there but not what he expected.  That happens from time to time. Those little boxes sometimes just hold regular trash.  He pulled out the bag and at the bottom was an offering envelope.  Yes, you read that right, an offering envelope.  One from the pews in the Sanctuary.  It gets better.

On the front of the envelope was written.  "God has something good to tell you."  Jeffy chuckled a little, turned the envelope over and opened it up.  Written on the inside was this message:

"God thinks you are nice."

Sometimes God shows up in the most unexpected places.

Yesterday in Worship

I volunteered to run the sound system and computer for the worship service yesterday.  I  always go into those mornings nervously.  I contend that sound systems and other media items in churches are inhabited by little gremlins that like to (dilemma here, do I use the word I really want to or do I edit myself?) make even the most basic, non-eventful morning go haywire. (Edited version, in case you were wondering.)

It all was going well until I put the CD in to play before worship and the sound didn't come through the speakers. I checked all the buttons, looked to make sure it was playing and still nothing. So I looked at the myriad of wires spilling around the sound board and attempted to ascertain if the CD player was, in fact, plugged into the sound board.  Seconds later I looked up and saw the blue screen of death.  Not on the computer but from the projector.  Oh s......................  I jiggled wires, I checked connections, I looked at the time and knew Plan B had to happen...what Plan B was I had no idea.  I raced down to the main floor, alerted the worship leaders and raced back up to jiggle wires some more. Finally I found the one connection seeming to be the issue and we were back in black. Hal-le-luh-jah!!!  I was then afraid to touch anything for fear of that blue screen of death returning...seriously hate that screen.

We still went with Plan B. Instead of previously chosen songs that needed to be projected on the screen, we had a hymn sing of sorts.  This was supposed to happen.  Three older people chose songs and then one of the teens from the balcony raised his hand.  "Hymn 123, please."  His choice?  O Come, O Come Emmanuel.

Now, I know this teen.  He could very well have been choosing that song because he liked that it was hymn 1,2,3.  Whatever the reason, we sang this hymn of longing, expectation and waiting and eventually celebration.  It was beautiful.

 I believe we need to sing Christmas/Advent songs all year long not just in the 4 weeks leading up to Christmas, and yesterday whether in jest or not, we did, thanks to one teenage boy.

"O Come O Come Emmanuel"

O come o come Emmanuel
And ransom captive Israel
That mourns in lonely exile here
Until the son of god appears

Rejoice rejoice
Emmanuel shall come to thee oh Israel

Oh come thou day-spring come and cheer
Our spirits by thine advent here
Disperse the gloomy clouds of night
And death's dark shadows put to flight

Rejoice rejoice
Emmanuel shall come to thee oh Israel

Oh come desire of nations bind
In one the hearts of all mankind
Bid thou our sad divisions cease
And be thyself our king of peace

Rejoice rejoice
Emmanuel shall come to thee oh Israel

Where do I belong?

It's silly.  The other day on the RevGals facebook page (yes, I check in once a day even though I'm taking a break and lately I've been using that darn site for work!  geesh!) there was a question posed...what denomination are you?

One question and I suddenly felt very sad.  Answering that question used to be easy.  PC(USA) all the way.   In my heart I am still very much a PC(USA) girl.  But in real-churchgoing-life, I am no longer a PC(USA) girl.  I still hold membership in a PC(USA) church but that's only because I haven't officially sent my membership termination letter.  They won't be PC(USA) for long, either, as things look right now...the sadness deepens.
 I would love to attend a PC(USA) church and there are 3 others in town.  One is pseudo PC(USA). As soon as they can figure out how to do so, they are out.  The other 2 are very traditional in their worship and, well, that's just not me.

So I found a place where I feel I being "fed", to use christianese and even more importantly, where I was welcomed enthusiastically and I go there.  Right now I attend a church associated with the Conservative Baptist Association. My values and the values of many in the church do not match up.  I don't plan on ever becoming a member, but for now this is where God has me.  I treasure the people there but I don't agree with their viewpoints on many subjects and yet, I find myself drawn to this loosely associated Conservative Baptist Church...but I don't really feel like I belong. I don't claim the denomination as my own. I just happen to attend the church right now.

All of that said, it was such a simple question and yet my heart broke, one more time, as I looked at this journey of faith and recognized I don't have a true denomination that I call home. In the grand scheme, it truly does not matter, it is simply another word that gets in the way of faith and hinders us from viewing God without restriction...but that word was also a piece of my identity, another part left behind in this journey of faith.  Why does growing in faith have to be so hard sometimes?

So, to answer the innocently asked question, my name is Brittany. I don't have a true denominational home anymore. The day I do, I will let you know.

Things I miss, things I don't

There are some moments when I really miss working for a church, full-time.  I miss the people who just pop in to say Hi or the conversations about faith and humanity that occur randomly.  I miss the freedom and flexibility of the days schedule.  I miss late night conversations in the parking lot after youth group and the impromptu meet ups at the local Tacqueria after a youth group event.  I miss water balloons and messy night and small groups and worship team rehearsals where we worshiped freely without the eyes of the congregation on us.  I miss the relationships with people and the conversations where the layers fell away and we could get real about our lives, our doubts, our hopes and dreams.  I miss that stuff.

I do not miss the people who sit through the music, the prayers and the sermon and don't hear what is being said but only focus on the ONE thing that irritates them.  I don't miss those people then proceeding to corner me after the worship service to express their displeasure about the one thing that bothered them.  I don't miss ending worship on a high only to be brought back down to earth with a jarring thud.  I don't miss the never ending conversation about hymns or "those praise songs" and projectors or hymnals.  Serving communion by passing the plates or intinction (not sure I spelled that correctly).  I don't miss the conversations about the allowing people to bring their beverages into the sanctuary or making them drink them outside the doors.  I don't miss hearing the complaints about "those children" being too loud during the worship service.  I just don't miss that kind of stuff.

But I do miss a lot of the rest.

Six words in

I was on a website recently that had a job board.  I was curious, so I clicked on the job board.  An opening immediately jumped out to me.  "I could do this!  I would LOVE this!" My heart picked up a beat and I didn't even flinch at the location of the job.  I clicked the link.

Six words in I stopped reading.  Six words in.

I understand their position.  I don't agree with their position but I understand it to a point.  I keep coming back to this.  I did not ask to be equipped with the gifts and talents I've been equipped with.  I did not ask for the opportunities I have been given.  All of those things, God gave to me or called me to.  I did not one day wake up and decide to thumb my nose at a few verses in the Bible that say "a woman must not..." because I thought it would be fun.  I followed God.  I am still following God.

So, to the church back east with a position open which caught my attention and started to fan the flame of excitement and possibility in my soul, well, I wish you well as you seek your man.  This woman will keep her eyes open and keep following God's leading.  Obviously, that wasn't one.

Letting other bloggers speak

My brain seems to get halfway through a blog post and it just quits.  I lost interest and exit blogger without posting anything.  I may have something to say, it just is on temporary hold.

In the meantime, I invite you to read these two blog posts by people who show up on my Google Reader feed all the time.

One is on the church theme from Jan at A Church For Starving Artists.

The other deals with recent news events in a way that got my attention.  It's by Adam over at AdamMclane.com.

Happy Reading!

Dear Church Leaders,

Can I make a suggestion?  When you get around to that time of the year when the budget is being decided and you decide to make phone calls to church members/parishioners to ask them to send in their pledge cards, before making those phone calls, could you do something first?

Look at the list of people to call and for each name listed ask yourself, "when was the last time we saw them in church?" If you can't recall seeing that person in church in awhile take another step, write the name of that person on another list.  Once you've compiled that other list, give it to one or two people and ask them to call just those people on the list.  Here's what they should say:

"Hey, person we haven't seen in awhile, we haven't seen you in awhile!  I'm calling to say that we noticed you haven't been around.  Is there something that we could do for you?  Someway we could help you right now?"  You may hear things you don't want to hear.  Maybe they are going to another church.  Maybe they are pissed off and don't want have anything to do the church.  Maybe they can't get to church right now but would really appreciate prayer.  Maybe they need a ride.  Maybe they need someone to come visit them.  You won't know until you make the call and start the conversation.


Maybe, during the conversation, you will open up the door for them to say "Hey, I want to come back to church.  I want to keep supporting the church."  Then you can bring up the pledge drive.  Otherwise, don't bring it up. 

Maybe, during the conversation, it comes up that they aren't planning on coming back to church and maybe that opens the doors to them asking to be put on that other list...the former members or inactive or whatever you call it.  That's okay.  Don't tell them they are going to hell and hang up.  Wish them well, offer to pray for them...actually pray with them!  Suggest other churches.  Be kind, be gracious and be loving.  They will remember that.  But please, please, please don't bring up the pledge drive.

In the end you will have accomplished two things.  One, you will have made contact with a church member who hasn't been around in awhile showing compassion and care.  They don't need to know that it was the pledge drive that helped to get the call made.  Two, you won't create even more bitterness in the heart of a church member who hasn't been to the church in over a year who gets a call from a church leader saying "Hey, we need you to turn in your pledge card so we can make a budget" like they just saw you yesterday sitting in the pew next to them not a year and a half ago.  It shows what is important (the church members checkbook) and what is not (church member).

It's just a suggestion, do what you will...but please don't be surprised that people speak poorly about the church when the church repeatedly shows a lack of care and concern for those who aren't in the pews every Sunday and more concern about money.

Sincerely,

Someone who cares

I just can't stay silent

**This post has been sitting in my "drafts" for months now.  Most of it was written back in February.  As a Christ Follower who believes that God has given me a mind and heart and that I need to use both of them, I just can't stay silent any longer.**

My parents raised me in such a way that I never really thought that there were things that a woman couldn't do that a man could. (There are definitely things I don't WANT to do but I can still do them.  Thus, I found myself taking apart the deck, a couple of months ago, and dealing with the dead rodent under the deck.  Yuck, yuck, yuck.) Yes, Yo Momma did all the cooking but Papa Bear was very good about cleaning (his nickname is Mr. Clean).  Yo Momma stayed home with Lil Bro and I until we went to school all day and then she got a part time job.  They both did their fair share of discipline and I never once heard Papa Bear talk down to Yo Momma, like she was a second rate citizen.  I went to a church where women had leadership roles, the larger church included women in Pastoral leadership roles, and I was always, always encouraged to chase whatever dream I wanted to chase.
 
One summer I wrote a letter to the editor of the newspaper in the Bay Area.  I think they were doing a series on "Hot Topics" and I wrote in about one in particular.  My letter was published for the world to read, my thoughts in print.  My parents were proud.  Our family was out of town the weekend my letter was published.  I remember driving to the local store that carried that particular paper to buy a copy and Yo Momma and I deciding not to let the extended family that was there see the paper with my letter.  We just didn't want to get into the conversation.

The other night I was with a bunch of my young adult friends and the conversation of politics came up, as it always does.  There were two in the room of eight that don't necessarily agree with the rest of us.  Those conversations, I always feel like we're walking such a fine line between listening to the other opinion and disrespect.  I usually try to avoid the conversations as much as possible.  I have opinions, I have convictions, I just don't want to get into the conversation.

I've been listening to conversations in which the rights of women are seemingly being chipped away, one by one.  I feel like this country is taking huge leaps backwards when it comes to the equality of women.  I don't want to get into the conversations...I cannot stay silent any longer.

• I am tired of women continuing to be belittled, criticized and harangued for living their lives in the best way they see fit.   Whether that be a stay-at-home-mom, a working mom, a single mom, a single woman, I'm tired of women having to defend their life decisions.
• I'm tired of the conversation in churches that continues to tell women that they should be silent or that they are just baby machines and should know their place.  
• I'm tired of the conversation that says that women should subject themselves to whatever a man requires of them, because of that verse in the Bible that says a woman should "submit" to her husband.  Why don't we focus on the verses that follow as much?  The one's about men loving their wives as Christ loved the church.
• I'm tired of the double standard that says men can have sex with multiple women, but a woman who has sex with more than one man is a whore.  
• I'm tired of women being denied birth control because of their religious affiliations or who they work for.  
• I'm tired of the discussion about abortion, especially in the church, when: A.) there is strong resistant to educating people on how to use or allowing access to birth control; B.) we continue to criticize and demean women and their families who work hard and still struggle to put food on the table and need a little help to make it through life; C.) there are children in our foster care system that are desperate for families to shower them love and attention, right now.  Where are the people in the church for those children? (and I know some amazing church people who ARE there for kids in the foster care system and are walking their talk)  D.) We make it so hard and expensive to adopt children.
• I'm tired of the line of rhetoric that says all people on welfare are druggies or low-life's or not working hard.  It's simply not true.
• I'm tired of being told that my voice really shouldn't be heard in the church because of my gender.  As I told a friend recently, I didn't choose to be in church leadership, God CALLED me to church leadership.  Time after time, God put me in positions of leadership in the church, even when I was resisting,  If you want to argue, argue with God, stop talking to me.
• I'm tired of women being rated as second class citizens who can't make wise decisions and choices because they are missing an appendage.  
• I'm tired of women (and men) who have been violated physically, emotionally and mentally by rape, being violated, yet again, by people running for a political office.   

Actually, when it comes right down to it, I'm tired of the party lines.  I'm tired of hearing how one side is right and the other side is wrong..and I mean that about both of the top political parties.  It seems to me the people whom the conversations focused on are the one's who are the losers across the board...because who is actually listening to them?

Pondering hypocrisy

I had lunch with a friend on Friday.  We are attempting to have lunch together once a month.  The two hours we have flies by, the conversation jumps around and around but usually settles on church.  We worked together in church for awhile.  We come from different backgrounds, have different political viewpoints, have different life viewpoints and yet the friendship is good and strong.  She talks, I listen.  I talk, she listens.  We respect each other and never once have I felt judged for disagreeing with her.  I hope, she has never once felt judged by me either.  Grace abounds in our friendship.  It is good.

At the tail end of our conversation on Friday, as we talked about church stuff, we got onto the subject of why people go to church or don't go to church.  It's a big topic these days.  I've read many a blog post about the subject from many a Christian and the responses vary but usually there is one constant theme running through the reasons for not attending church.  Hypocrisy.

I made the statement to my friend that as a church-raised, church-loving girl, I struggled a lot with the hypocrisy I see within the church.  I fall into the hypocrite category at times, so pointing fingers feels really wrong.  Not standing up and acknowledging the hypocrisy, though, seems wrong as well. 

We preach forgiveness and redemption and hold grudges and anger.  We preach social justice and grace and withhold grace to people who are "sinners" or don't look or act the way we think they should.  We label certain sins as really, really bad and tend to overlook the verse that says "all have sinned and fallen short of the grace of God."  We say that numbers of people in the seats don't matter, then look around and wonder where everyone is on a Sunday.  (True confession, I caught myself so many times overlooking the youth who were sitting right in front of me, wondering where everyone else was.)  We say God and Christ can do anything but give up on people when they don't change they way we think they should in the time frame we think they should.  We confess faith in Christ on Sunday but don't live that faith out Monday through Saturday.  Those are just a few of the things I've seen.

I've struggled with church a lot over the last few years.  I love the church. I also recognize the church is not perfect.  It's not perfect.  It's not ever going to be perfect because the church is made up of human beings...imperfect human beings.  I wonder if that is maybe the problem with the hypocrisy I see in the church.  We work really hard at forgetting we are imperfect, striving for a perfection just out of reach and stumble all over ourselves trying to cover up the mess we make in the meantime.

I don't have any answers, just a pondering mind, a desire to keep seeking God and recognize and admit my imperfection...and the imperfection of that institution I love...the church.

Young Adults

One of the hardest parts about leaving my former job was knowing that I would lose connections with the young adults.  Not that we wouldn't still be friends, but that I wouldn't see them on a regular basis.  Like Jon-boy.  I would see him two or three times a week.  Lately, I get to see him once a week and there is no real conversation.  That would be because we are too busy dissing "The Bachelor"...and I only started going to watch "The Bachelor" because it meant I could hang out with Jon-Boy and a couple of others.  I miss the long conversations standing in the parking lot after youth group or the impromptu Taqueria gatherings.  I miss the conversations about faith and life and humanity and all of the different things we would talk about at any given moment.  I miss the opportunities to be on the sidelines, to encourage and to gently guide.

Last night, though, last night the opportunity arose to hang out with some of those Young Adults.  We laughed, played games and started the deep conversations as the evening was winding down.  Typical.  I was up for a couple of hours after getting home just thinking.  If I could go back and do one thing over, I would have started that young adult group years before.  I would have invested more of my time and energy into being with them and helping them navigate the world outside of High School.  Because outside of High School is where the real conversations started happening.

I've been doing a lot of reading about Young Adults and the Church lately.  I've read the articles saying that Young Adults are walking away from the Church in droves and I've read a lot of speculation about why that is happening.  Last night, as I was talking with a few of the young people, I would have to say that this article by Tim King is dead on.  While that article has a definite political leaning, the ultimate meaning is the same, the Young Adults of this age are turned off by the hypocrisy in the Church.  While we're at it, I'm pretty sure it's not just the Young Adults of this age that are turned off by the hypocrisy of the Church.

During the discussion last night, one of my Young Adult friends said "I wish there was a way to be Christian without being labeled a Christian."  There was weariness in her voice.  A weariness that caught my heart.  She is entirely too young to be that weary of the Church and Christianity.  Sitting in the back of the car, there was nothing else that I could do then let my head fall back and let out a sigh of sadness.  I get it.  I understand.  It still hurts to hear that statement falling from the lips of one so young...

I have no answers.  I only have my thoughts, my concerns, my speculation and the desire to continue the conversation...and to continue to care for, love, encourage and gently guide the Young Adults as God brings them into my path.  

Stone Jesus or Easter Jesus part 3

Another friend asked a question "Did the missionary have any ideas or plans?"  (If you haven't read parts one and two of this series, scroll down and get caught up.)  My honest answer to that question is I don't know for sure.  I was so caught up in what he had said about life in Guatemala and my own thoughts that I stopped listening fully.  (This happens a lot more than I would really like you to know.)

What I did catch was that part of their response to getting making Jesus real was to be in relationship with the "bad" young adults.  They created a place where the "bad" young adults were welcome and respected.  They then introduced Jesus through being in relationship with the young adults.  One part that caught my attention was that the missionary family had first hand experience with being on the outside in the community in which they are serving...they too were looked down upon because they didn't buy into the traditional ideas of the church.

As I went through my years in Youth Ministry, I was aware that I couldn't invest in the life of each youth member as deeply as I wanted.  I could only seriously invest in a few at a time.  It felt awful (still does).  In a perfect world I would go back and make sure that each youth member was paired up with another adult who could invest in them and help them along the road of faith and life.  Each youth member.  Because that's the way that I've seen faith take root in the lives of youth.  Not because of the awesome talks on Wednesday nights or the music on Sunday mornings but because of interpersonal relationships.

I wonder if our focus on worship services as being the king-pin of our faith isn't a little wrong.  I wonder if instead of putting such a focus on corporate worship we should instead focus on home groups, small groups or community groups (whatever you want to call them).  Should we insist on corporate worship because that is what church is or should we insist on meaningful relationships with other believers in a small group so that growing and learning happens?  I know there are downfalls to both ways.  I'm just wondering.

Stone Jesus or Easter Jesus part 2

I've been thinking a lot about yesterday's church service.  In talking with a few people, I need to clarify some thoughts and expand on them.

I don't believe that we can have the Easter Jesus without the Stone Jesus.  They go hand in hand.  There's the point...they go hand in hand!  Grace, forgiveness, mercy, redemption, eternal life come from the stone cold Jesus and the Easter Jesus.  We need to hear about the Jesus who died only to rise again and show us what grace looks like.  We need to talk about our sinfulness and need for redemption as well as how to receive the redemption.  We need both.  What I heard the speaker say yesterday, and what echoed in my heart, was the need for the church universal to remember that the story didn't end with a grave.  It hasn't ended yet.  Jesus is still working in this world.  There is more to come, the story needs to continue, to grow, to take hold in new hearts and receive life again.

I'm a church chick.  It's in my bones.  I can't get away from church (Martha knew this already).  I feel empty when I am not a part of a church.  I love to hear a group of people singing in harmony to their favorite hymn or praise song, to hear the Scriptures read and expanded upon, to listen to someone pour out their heart in prayer as they lead the congregation, to sit in the quiet of a Sanctuary filled with people and be in the presence of the Body of Christ, to take the bread into my hands and dip it into the cup and receive forgiveness and grace.  I love church.  I'm not the liturgy kind of person, I have a hard time with the stand up, sit down, say these words when told to, kind of thing partly because I just say the words and they lose meaning after while, which bugs me.  All in all I love church.

I love church too much to want it to stay just the way I love it.  Which is part of the fired up, challenged, mixed up, frustrated, selfish, torn thoughts that I'm having about church these days.  I want the next generation to love church as well and for them that means something different than what I have come to love.  My idea of church is not the same idea as my grandmother's...okay, my grandma O's idea of church in her day.  Church has changed and it will continue to change.  I have been the one and will be the one to fight some of the changes but that doesn't mean that change won't happen.  Change needs to happen.

In College I remember learning about the process of growing up, how children begin the process of individuation from their parents.  In semi-Seminary I remember hearing about how that process of individuation was taking longer and longer and wasn't fully completed for many until the mid-20's.  Part of that process for the young adult was taking the ideals and morals passed down from parent to child, weeding through them and making them their own.  This idea became the center piece of my ministry.  My job wasn't to tell a young person what to believe, my job was to help them find their way to belief and give them tools to make faith their own.  Some have walked away from faith, others have drawn closer but all of them needed the opportunity to make their faith their own...all of them.

It's similar to what I see needing to happen in the church.  Keeping traditions for just traditions sake doesn't make something important.  Just like Christmas isn't important just because of a date on the calendar.  What is important is the meaning behind the tradition for the person keeping the tradition.  (I think I just confused myself.)  All this to say, in my opinion, for the church to grow and continue to have an impact in the world, we need to let go and allow it to change.  How that happens, I have no idea.  I'm just thinking out loud.  What I do know is it's not been an easy process to this point and it has the potential to get tougher.  I just love church too much to want to keep it all to myself.

This morning at church...

Yo Momma and I have been attending a new church.  It's the same church were I work one day a week for the Youth Pastor as his Administrative Assistant (praise Jesus!).  A few weeks ago the church started promoting a new Sunday School class on Peacemaking.  We both looked at each other and said "I want to go to that class."  So we bought the books and have been going to the class.  It means getting to church an hour earlier, but seeing as how that time is two hours later than when we had to be at old church, it's not a problem.

This morning we pulled up and someone we knew as coming out to his car.  He looked at us as we got out and said "Brittany, did you hear what happened?  Did anyone call you?  There was a break-in last night!  They stole your computer!".  I immediately flashed on the envelope that has been sitting on my desk with cash and checks in it from an event and I went to see if that had been taken as well.  (It had not.)  Along the way I met several other people and learned that three computers were taken and the churches Suburban...which part of me isn't really sorry to see go.

Anyway, I breathed a little easier about the money, gave the Administrative Assistant a reassuring hug, took a quick look around the office and decided not to dwell on the break in and headed off to my class where we talked about finding peace with God.  In the midst of that class I found myself being used as an example, as in one person said "Let's say that I saw that something was going on in Brittany's life and I felt the need to confront her...".  Another person picked it up and I found myself the center of a discussion that wasn't really about me.  I told Yo Momma later that it was interesting that I was the safe one in that group to use as an example.  The conversation was good, the class is making me think, though I'm struggling a little with the author of book's approach to the topic of peacemaking.

Finally we got to the worship service...in the round!  All the chairs had been moved so that we were all facing the center of the room where the communion table was.  Instead of a sermon, the focus was on communion and Thanksgiving.  Several young ladies in the church read Scripture, several people prayed and then the floor was opened to the people in the congregation.  Microphones were passed around and people were encouraged to say what they were thankful for.  As I sat listening this group of people I started to think about what I was thankful for.  If the microphone was passed to me what would I say?  The more I listened to others, the more I pondered that question, the more I realized that I was grateful for the one thing that I have been struggling with the most...I am thankful for change.

I am thankful for change.  I am thankful for the conversation that God and I had back in May that lead to this upheaval in my life  I am thankful for time to rest and rediscover the meaning of the word "bored".  I am thankful for the opportunities I was given in my previous job and I am thankful that the transition has been a little rough in areas and easier in others.  I am thankful for a new place to worship that is offering me solace as I wait on God and grieve and for the people who have been welcoming and loving.  I am thankful for people who remember my name during communion, even though they have only met me a few times.  I am thankful for my 6 hour a week job.  I am thankful for friends who listen, even if they don't get it.  I am thankful for blogger friends who leave notes of encouragement and support as I whine.  I am thankful for the struggle to trust fully in God's plan and for the freedom to cry out to God in the midst of that struggle.  I am thankful for my family.  I am thankful for a place where I am finally beginning to feel fed again.  I am thankful for black and white paisley printed duct tape and the way it holds my guitar case together.  I am thankful for the nudge from a friend to get that guitar out of it's case and start playing again.  I am thankful for this journey, right now, the ups and downs, the laughter and the tears, the wondering and the regrets.  I am thankful for the memories of what was and the vast ocean of possibilities that is to come.   

One more day...and a link

In 24 hours I will have officially ended my time as employee at church.  It won't be the last time I will be at the church but for right now, I will be worshiping God elsewhere.  It's a big step.  A big journey.  I'm excited about the new adventure.  Excited about where God may take me.  It's good. 

Tomorrow, however, will not pass without a bazillion tears shed.  As I told Yo Momma recently, this is a good-bye of sorts.  Sure, in a couple of weeks I'll be at the VBS re-cap meeting and a couple of weeks after that at the church campout (cuz I just need to) but tomorrow I turn in my church key and this chapter of life as Youth Director will be closed.  It's a good-bye.  The journey has been full of adventures and joys as well as heartaches and despair.  I wouldn't trade it for anything...anything.

I've learned a lot along the way.  I've learned about who I am, who I want to be and what kind of person I was created to be.  I've learned about where my passions are and where they are not.  I've experienced great success and great failure.  I've also come away with a picture of who God is for me.  Not every Christians picture of God is the same, much to my utter dismay.  But occasionally I find someone who sees God like I see God.  Today, I came across an article I'd read a couple of years ago but was reprinted on a blog for today.  The God that is talked about in this article...that's my kind of God.  I'm grateful for the opportunity to have learned that over the last 12 years.

What am I ready for?

VBS ended today.  It was a good week.  Nothing overly dramatic happened.  The kids had fun, the songs went well.  Jesus was proclaimed.  It was a good week.

This week to come is one of wrapping things up.  There are still a few things on the wall in my office, but most of the things that came with me or that have been added over the years have been taken down, packed away and are ready to be brought home.  Which leaves me a lot of time to contemplate and clean.

People, as should be expected, have been asking about my future.  What I'm going to do.  I've tried to envision the future and I can't.  I can't seem to think of anything but taking a vacation, taking time off and just relaxing for awhile.  I am ready for a break.  That's all I know.  Which makes the Friday Five over at RevGals very appropriate for me today.  One of the things that I would like to accomplish in my time off is to take all the boxes in the garage that have all of my stuff in them, off the shelves and go through them.  Then I would love to tackle the closet in my room and empty out all the things in there.  And somewhere, in this between job time I want to take my car in and get the brakes checked, the windows fixed and detail it really, really well.  Poor car has been neglected lately.

Which leads to the next thing.  There's a part of me that really wants to get in my car and drive.  I had thoughts of driving north, up into other states and exploring but there's circumstances keeping me from that.  I would love to jump in my car and drive across the country and explore.  Or drive to Mississippi and show up on Ben's doorstep ready to finish the sheet rock on the Yellow House.  The call of the open road is echoing loudly in my ears right now.  I just want to drive away.

One week to go...