Sunday, December 11, 2011

Not completely detached

Tonight was the annual Christmas extravaganza at Church-of-former-employment.  A friend had asked if I would sing a song with him, "Mary Did You Know", and so I was in the Christmas extravaganza again.  It was different this year, I didn't have anything to really be in charge of except myself and my guitar.  I enjoyed participating without worrying about the details and it was good to make my first appearance after a few months away.  Plus the song went pretty well.  I was so nervous though.  Haven't been that nervous in a long, long time.  A few months away from normal, well, performance for lack of a better word and I lost some of my confidence.

But this post really isn't about that.  I also sang with a little ensemble called the Presbytones.  It's just a fun group that sings mostly accapella.  We rehearsed on Friday afternoon and the church was full of people trying to rehearse so we wound up downstairs, my old stomping ground.  I realized walking down the stairs, heading down the hall past the youth office, into the library that while I have dealt well with this change on many levels, I am not completely detached from Church-of-former-employment.  I walked into a room that I had spent a lot of time sprucing up and wanted to just turn and walk out.  I didn't want to see the changes, nor the things that have been neglected.  I was really grateful that the door to the youth room was closed.  I just am not ready to see that space.  I'm not ready to walk in and see changes or differences.  I haven't completely detached yet.

The truth is I might never fully detach, but someday it will be easy and natural to walk into those rooms.  I will one day be okay with the signs of the church moving on, I certainly am moving on in many ways.  I just need to stay away a little while longer...from those rooms at least.

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