Tonight was the annual Christmas extravaganza at Church-of-former-employment. A friend had asked if I would sing a song with him, "Mary Did You Know", and so I was in the Christmas extravaganza again. It was different this year, I didn't have anything to really be in charge of except myself and my guitar. I enjoyed participating without worrying about the details and it was good to make my first appearance after a few months away. Plus the song went pretty well. I was so nervous though. Haven't been that nervous in a long, long time. A few months away from normal, well, performance for lack of a better word and I lost some of my confidence.
But this post really isn't about that. I also sang with a little ensemble called the Presbytones. It's just a fun group that sings mostly accapella. We rehearsed on Friday afternoon and the church was full of people trying to rehearse so we wound up downstairs, my old stomping ground. I realized walking down the stairs, heading down the hall past the youth office, into the library that while I have dealt well with this change on many levels, I am not completely detached from Church-of-former-employment. I walked into a room that I had spent a lot of time sprucing up and wanted to just turn and walk out. I didn't want to see the changes, nor the things that have been neglected. I was really grateful that the door to the youth room was closed. I just am not ready to see that space. I'm not ready to walk in and see changes or differences. I haven't completely detached yet.
The truth is I might never fully detach, but someday it will be easy and natural to walk into those rooms. I will one day be okay with the signs of the church moving on, I certainly am moving on in many ways. I just need to stay away a little while longer...from those rooms at least.