I AM

God has a tendency to speak to me through music.  This morning, as I deal with the mental tapes running through my head, feeding my fears of so much, it is not a mere coincidence this song begins to play...and drags me back to those first months when I was beginning a new job.  Excited, scared and unsure of my footing.  12 years later...here I am again.

I Am-- by Jill Phillips

Oh gently lay your head
Upon my chest
And I will comfort you
Like a mother while you rest
The tide can change so fast,
But I will stay
The same through the past,
The same in future, same today

I am constant; I am near
I am peace that shatters all your secret fears
I am holy; I am wise
I'm the only one who knows your heart's desires
Your heart's desires

Oh weary, tired and worn,
Let out your sighs
And drop that heavy load you hold
Cause Mine is light

I know you through and through;
There's no need to hide
I want to show you love
That is deep and high and wide

I am constant; I am near 
I am peace that shatters all your secret fears 
I am holy; I am wise 
I'm the only one who knows your heart's desires 
Your heart's desires

Oh gently lay your head
Upon my chest
And I will comfort you
Like a mother while you rest.

Dear Bachelorette Emily,

I have been sucked into the world that is the Bachelor and Bachelorette by some friends with whom I wish to spend time.  I would normally spend my Monday night watching NCIS reruns and checking out the latest information on Disneyland at Mouseplanet.com, perfectly content to let the Bachelor or Bachelorette never to cross my path.

Alas, I like my friends and want to spend time with them, so I find myself sitting for two hours as I watch you, Emily, "date" 20 different men.  I use the term "men" loosely, as some whom have wound up in your company are merely boys playing dress-up.

Now, this is only week three in Bachelorette world.  We went through round one, which was excruciatingly boring as 25 men came to your hometown to woo you.  Those of us sitting on the couch couldn't keep track of all the men at first.  We came up with nicknames for them.  Helicopter boy, egg dude, spiky hair, bad hair, Brazilian, Mushroom man, etc.  We were very happy to see you get rid of some of those guys.

Round two was the first "dates".  Wow.  First off, who uses a whisk to mix up chocolate chip cookies?  Methinks you don't bake very much, Miss Emily.  Ryan was sweet, we liked him.  The group date was cute, we all felt bad for Charlie.  The last date was just weird.  Seriously, a clock that you put wishes in with a guy you later dumped?  Strange.  Then came the 7 page letter from Ryan...he's not so sweet anymore.  He is now getting creepy.  But then that whole "meet and greet" time is just awkward anyway.  I don't know how you could possibly get to know any of these guys well, at all.

Here we are, though, at week three.  Some men have been eliminated and the vying for your attention has begun in earnest.  I can't remember who you dated first last night.  It was fine, though, seriously, enough with the dancing in the street with the latest country singer/band.  The group date was fascinating.  Your friends definitely asked some interesting questions and one of them needs to be watched closely (really, really closely).  She was totally hitting on Sean.  Take that under advisement.  And Ryan, he's getting too possessive too quickly.  Not liking him so much anymore.  Your date to Dollywood (which was eerily empty) with Arie was nice.  He's a nice guy, seems safe...but then it's too soon to tell.

Then came that meet and greet time.  We all cheered when Egg guy gave you the egg to smash.  That was good.  We all agreed that Brazilian guy needed to go...I have a Brazilian friend, that was not a communication issue, he knew exactly what he was saying.  The one I wanted to yell at you about, though, was the one you questioned and did.nothing.about.

Emily, when a guy tells you to basically shut up because you are talking too much (when he hasn't let you get a word in at.all.) the guy needs to go.  Helicopter boy needs.to.go.  He is slimy, too sure of himself and has said to your face that he always wanted his OWN child first.  HIS.OWN.CHILD.  You have a daughter that you say you are putting first...prove it!  Be the strong woman you have shown yourself to be in moments and drop his ass!

Sincerely,
A disgusted-with-myself-for-getting-hooked-into-this-show viewer.

Again with the car?

I got in my car this afternoon at the transit center, put the key in the ignition, pushed the clutch to the floor and turned the key.  It went vr-vr-vr-vr-vr-vroom.  If you aren't aware, I drive a Mustang GT V8.  It usually doesn't vr-vr-vr, it just VROOMS.

I stopped at the drugstore, made a purchase and got back in.  Same thing, vr-vr-vr-vr-vr-vroom.  I went to my appointment with K.  I was her last patient of the day, so we walked out to our cars together.  She got in her car and drove away.  I got in my car and put the key in the ignition, pushed the clutch to the floor and turned the key.  It went vrrrrr...clickclickclickclickclickclickclickclickclickclickclickclickclick.

Lovely.

Papa Bear was called.  He came to the rescue.  We had to go back home for some other tools.  We went back.  It still went clickclickclickclickclickclickclickclickclickclickclickclickclick.  He worked on the battery, which I haven't looked at since installing the new radio a couple of years ago.  Since I don't have to disconnect the battery in the hopes that doing so will reset the CD player and therefore spit out the CD that is stuck, well, I don't tend to look at the battery.  The connections were pretty corroded.  He cleaned them up, I put the key in the ignition, pushed the clutch to the floor and turned the key.  clickclickclickclickclickclickclickclickclickclickclickclickclick.

Papa Bear looked around.  "If we push it over there, we can jump it by popping the clutch and shifting into 2nd."  All I heard was "push it, jump it, do something you've never done, run into K & N's building, big disaster."  I pushed the car, Papa Bear jump started it.

Last month I bought a new drivers seat.  This month it's looking like a new battery and 2 new tires and the brakes need some attention as well.  Just when I think I'm getting ahead...eh, it could be worse, at least I can ride the bus.

Change is in the air...

I started this blog 5 years ago...ironically on Lil Bro's birthday.  There have been 634 posts in that time and according to the counter that Blogger installed recently, this blog has been viewed over 16,000 times in the last year...or something like that.  That number kind of amazes me.  But then I looked the other day the post about the Ninja cake has had over 175 views all by itself.  THAT astounds me.

Anyway, there have been moments over the years I've thought about who might be reading my words, my thoughts at any moment in time.  Having a public, searchable blog means anyone can come and go as they please, without me being any the wiser.  It's fine...or so I thought it was fine.  I'm beginning to think I'm not as fine with it as I once was.

I love blogging.  It allows me to speak my mind in a way I tend to not do in real life.  It helps me to clarify my thoughts and ideas and gives me an outlet of creativity.  I'm not ready to give up blogging.  I may just need to make a change, to change blog addresses, to move to a new place and not necessarily leave a forwarding address.

So, one day soon, if you arrive here and there's a "for rent" sign, well, don't worry.  I'm still around.  If you're creative, you could probably find me again.  Don't take it personally, it just feels like time to make a change.

Public Transportation

I love to drive.  I really like my car.  I enjoy the days when the weather is just right when the windows and the convertible top can be down and I can just drive and drive and drive...

Having a V8 Mustang Convertible can be a wonderful thing...until one tries to commute.  That's when the V8 engine becomes a gas hog of the worst kind and driving becomes not as fun.

I filled up my gas tank the other day.  $54.35.  That was after a week of driving of which two of those days did I actually commute 60 miles round trip, but that did it.  I've let the "low fuel" light come on a few times the last few weeks.  I know, I know, that's not a good thing. Welcome to my reality.

A week and a half ago I bought a bus pass.  For less than $7 per day and an added 45 minutes to an hour to my schedule, I am taking the bus and light rail.  What a whole new world.

I've shared, already, about the phenomenon of the bus.  Everyone lines up to file on IN THE ORDER THEY LINED UP, no one talks to each other.  The world of the bus is very interesting indeed.  The light rail, well, the light rail is a whole new world.

The Office Coordinators in my new office building have been very helpful when it comes to the light rail. They've answered my silly little questions.  They've also given me helpful hints like:

• Jaywalk.  Don't walk down and wait for the light's to change.  It will take forever.  Make sure it's clear and dash across the street.  Got it.
• Do not make eye contact.  Wear sunglasses all the time.  Inside and outside the light rail.  If you make eye contact, you will get hit on, hit up or someone will decide to talk to you incessantly.  Got it.
• Wear your headphones even if you aren't listening to anything.  People won't bother you.  GOT IT!!

It pays to make friends with the Office Coordinators.

Now, you may be wondering, "Brittany, why don't you want to talk to people on the light rail?"  Well, sometimes I do.  The harmless lady who said "nice weather today" was fine.  There is a difference though, between talking about the weather and hearing someones life story in the span of a 10 minute ride.  The guy with the eyes that jumped all over the place who swore he had never done drugs and gave me his phone number so that we could "chat" sometimes, not so much.  I don't want your number.  Don't make me hurt your feelings, PLEASE.  (See, I truly am a people pleaser.)

The light rail has character, or I should say the light rail carries lots of characters. 

The guy who talked loudly on his phone in Spanish and jumped up every so often to walk around before sitting back down was interesting.  I rode the light rail twice with him.

Monday a guy got on the light rail and talked to himself the whole ride, LOUDLY.  It was fine but the swearing was a little much.

Today there was a guy who was talking and clapping and singing along to whatever music was in his on his iPod.  The rest of us on the light rail probably could have sung along as well, his music was loud enough to hear. 

This morning, out of the corner of my eye, I saw the guy across the aisle stand up and put his hands down.his.pants.  I was freaked out for a moment, but he removed his hands and sat back down.  Whew.  He stood up again and his hands went to the waist of his pants again but this time he just adjusted them at the waist and sat back down.   I didn't look. No eye contact, remember?  I was more than ready to get off the light rail when my stop came. 

Unfortunately my stop happens to be the same stop for those heading to the probation office.  Sometimes these characters follow me off the light rail.  Which is why I decided jaywalking is fine.

Tonight, on the bus ride home, I felt sorry for the guy who obviously didn't have Office Coordinators to tell him the golden rules of public transportation.  He made eye contact and had no headphones and the guy who had just gotten released from the hospital and was heading home but needed to get his stuff from the fire station where he had been taken after getting jumped and then robbed and then...oh the story.  Poor, defenseless man heard the whole saga the whole 45 minute ride.  When I got off the bus, hospital man was still talking.  They had another 10 minute ride ahead.

Ah, the joys of public transportation.  It's almost better than a movie...but not really.

Blogging

I woke up at 2am this morning.  I didn't really fall back into any good semblance of sleep until, well 6am, of course because I needed to be up by 6:30.  Oh well.

I woke up at 2am after dreaming about two people that I don't really know all that well.  I've met one, never met the other.  It was a funny dream, actually.  While I could picture one of them, I couldn't picture the other.  I know them because of their blogs.  The blogging world is funny, it can seem like you know someone so well because of what is written on a blog.  It's not true.  I write a few blogs, I keep a lot to myself, though a lot is told as well.

Anyway, I've read their blogs for years.  A few years back, I remember sitting in the airport in Charlotte, North Carolina reading one of these blogger's post's and crying, literally crying, for them and what was happening at that moment in time.  Crying.  For a stranger.  In an airport.  I did the same in the last year for the other blogger, the one I've met, though I wasn't in an airport.

Last night I was dreaming about these two bloggers.  I woke up worried for them and  so happy for them at the same time.  I prayed for the new things happening in their lives, for the journey God has them on and for the witness, they both are, to the world.  I also prayed for strength and protection and so much more.

I woke up at 2am, this morning, reminded that the road with God is not just paved with smooth stones, but a lot of rocks and boulders as well .  I woke up at 2am, grateful to be a witness (in a very, very loose sense of that word) to the power of God's love in the world, reminded of hope.

This world of blogging, is a little surreal sometimes.

On being a people pleaser

There's a quote that's been around for years with a variation on the following:  "I can only please one person per day.  Today isn't your day and tomorrow doesn't look good either."  It's a pretty cutting quote, actually, but kind of sums up how I've been feeling lately.  Not the mean part, but definitely the pleasing part.

I am a people pleaser.  I do not like to have people upset with me.  I do not like to let people down.  Cross that with being an introvert who wants to please people but also needs time for herself and voila!, you get the convoluted mess that is me.

Towards the end of the day today, I had a series of emails with someone that set me on edge.  It's nothing major, something that I think is more the other persons issue than mine but it brought up all those feelings.  The inadequacy, the old feelings of failure.  I was so stirred up, by my own mind, I left work right on the dot and walked out to catch the light rail, jaywalking across the street and running across the tracks to beat the train (there was plenty of time).  As I was stomping out to the light rail (pissed off, if I'm being honest, at myself, not the situation), I literally prayed these words "God, help me to get a backbone."  I am a people pleaser.  I am also a human and I don't always get things right.  Darn.it.

The past couple months as I've begun a new job, begun a new commute, juggled my teeny, tiny job with my new job and went to Missouri for a week long mission trip, I've been finding that I'm not pleasing a whole lot of people.  To be honest, I'm having a hard time pleasing myself.  I'm not unhappy, I'm not super happy, I'm just here, doing the best I can, feeling defensive, plastering a smile on my face even when I don't feel like it, putting one foot in front of each other and going through the days. 

I am an introverted, people pleaser...ah the complexities of me.

What I'm watching

I had lunch with my friend Kimi the other day (Hi Kimi!).  Just before we left the restaurant, we started talking about the TV shows we've been watching lately.  I started to say "nothing" and then realized, that I do, indeed watch a lot of TV shows...just maybe not when they first air because I am a commuting, working girl and I fall asleep early these days!  So sad.

There are a lot of deep, whiny posts wrestling in my brain.  I'm tired of my brain, so here, in no specific order is what I'm watching these days:

Once Upon a Time.  Oh.My.Goodness I love this show.  The premise is the people in the town of Storybrooke are fairy tale characters trapped in the modern world because of a curse the Evil Queen made.  There are only a handful of people in the town that know about the curse, and the truth of who the people in the town actually are.  Love.it.

Scandal.  This one is pretty new, so I'm not 100% hooked...yet.  It mixes some of my favorite things though, the "insiders" view of Washington DC, with a little romance, a little intrigue and a whole lotta strong female lead character.

Fairly Legal.  Again, strong female lead, a little bit of intrigue, a little bit of romance and some snappy writing.  It works for me.  I haven't gotten fully into the newest season, but again, I can't seem to stay awake past 9pm, so...

Say Yes to the Dress...any edition.  Weddings, women and dresses always makes for good drama.  I'm becoming more and more convinced that weddings make perfectly sane people completely insane...especially after watching these shows!

Then there are the shows that are still in production but are also in reruns to which I regularly fall asleep but not because they are boring!  Because I am!

Big Bang Theory.  I really thought I was not going to like this show.  I was wrong.  I LOVE it.

NCIS.  Gibbs, McGee, Abby, Ducky, Tony, Ziva and Jimmy...need I say more?  :)  I personally love the constant reruns of this show.  Makes me happy.

Finally, there are three shows that I'm looking forward to their return from hiatus:

The Closer.  Love me some Brenda Lee!  I am going to miss this show when it ends. :(

Necessary Roughness.  I saw the previews for this show and thought, eh.  Then I watched it.  Snappy dialogue, strong main character and a little "behind the scenes" view.  Plus getting to the bottom of people's issues.  Ahhhh, if only life could be figured out in an hour long episode.

Rizolli and Isles.  Yes, there is a theme here...strong female leads, kicking some booty.  It's all good.  :)

So, what are you watching these days?

Things I'm thinking on Tuesday

• I worked 9 and 10 hour days all the time at my previous job.  Working 9 and 10 hour days and commuting 2 1/2 hours is much harder. (I went to both jobs today, thus the longer commute.)
• I would like there to be more re-runs of Big Bang Theory, especially at 2am when I can't sleep.
• I would like there to be less pollen and other junk in the air so that I can breathe, so that I can sleep at 2am.
• Everyone should have a car stalker.  I forced myself to take the bus yesterday just because I knew my car stalker might possibly stop by and leave notes of love.
• Everyone should actually know who their car stalker is so that when the wind whips through and takes all but two of the pink post-it notes on their car, they can then text the car stalker and whine...and get a picture of what was there.
• I bought my car stalker super sticky post-it notes.  Call me needy.
• I've listened to the radio on the mornings I drive to work and love, love, love the DJ's on the local country station.  I do not love, love, love hearing the same.stinkin'.songs.every.morning.  I'm about done with radio for awhile.
• I am not done with audiobooks.  Especially fiction audiobooks.  I keep trying to listen to non-fiction but I miss half of what is said most of the time, I just can't focus.  Where as the fiction audiobooks I gobble right up.  What is with that?
• I do wish, however, that the actress who read this particular fiction audiobook I am listening to right now would not have tried to imitate a male voice.  It's more annoying than entertaining.  Oh well.
• It's 9pm and my eyes are burning.  Sleep is beckoning.  My daily routine has changed but my night-owl tendencies are battling said routine.  *Sigh*.
• And that is what I am thinking on a Tuesday.  Thrilling.