The unthinkable

She was 8.  The last time she was seen she was doing what an 8 year-old should be doing, riding her scooter with her helmet on around the courtyard where she lived, waiting on her friend to come play.  A courtyard with surveillance cameras.

There's a photo, a little blurry, from that surveillance camera of her.  Helmet on to protect her if she should fall.  It didn't protect her...

This little 8 year old girl was reported missing Sunday.  According to the Police Chief she was last seen a little after 5pm.  At 6:08pm she was reported missing.  By 8pm the news was spreading the word and social media took it from there, spreading her photo far and wide.  That night and the next day people were canvassing, putting up flyer's, desperately looking for this little 8 year old girl -the police, the sheriff, the FBI, locals, friends, family.  The river, the beach, the woods, the neighborhood, the apartment complex it was searched over and over and over again.  Her disappearance soon made national headlines...or at least Yahoo news.  Where had this 8 year old gone?

On social media the comments started coming in - "She lives across the street from a homeless shelter", "has anyone checked the homeless shelter", "don't forget the homeless shelter".  The homeless shelter was searched.  She wasn't there.  (I was amazed at how quickly blame was placed on those who don't have a building they call home.  That type of reaction seems as wrong to me as racism.)

By 8pm last night, 24 hours later, the news was reporting again, this little 8 year old girl had been found, dead, in a recycling bin.  The person under arrest, a 15 year old boy who lived in the same apartment complex.  Someone she may have seen or known before.  The police are reporting that it seems she went willingly into an apartment with the boy.  The Police Chief at today's news conference, when asked, said "We don't know the exact time of death at this moment but my feeling is that she was dead before we got the call that she was missing."  I watched his face as he made that statement...there was a soul deep weariness there...the search had been lost even before it had begun.

She died at the hands of someone she probably knew.  Not someone from the homeless shelter across the street.  Not a stranger.  Not the unknown bad guy that we all fear but someone she probably knew.  The alleged bad guy is a neighbor.

Praying tonight for a Mom and a Dad and extended family who are dealing with the unthinkable.

Praying tonight for a Mom who watched her son be arrested for allegedly doing the unthinkable.

Praying for my community that is in mourning...that is angry...that has questions...that is stunned.

Praying for a boy who has been accused of the unthinkable. (That is admittedly more difficult than the other three prayers.)

Praying.

The last photo of this little 8 year old girl is a blurry surveillance photo of her riding her scooter, helmet on her head. How I wish it could have protected her.

Praying tonight for Maddy.

A prayer for today

God of infinite wisdom and grace,

I could list the myriad of frustrations and angst running through my head...but you know.

I could spew the irritation and utter disbelief I'm feeling...but you know.

I could plead, for the millionth time, my case before you about the desires of my heart...but you know.

I could go on and on and on...but you know.

So I will simply ask for your unending grace today.

I will simply ask for (darn it I don't like praying for this) patience.

I will simply say Thank You for being forgiving and full of grace, for seeing past the mask I put in place for everyone else and loving me anyway.

Amen.

Tragedy in a small city

Tomorrow there will be a funeral processional made up of 200 police and other vehicles that drives some 30 miles from one small city to a larger city.  In that processional will be the families of two police officers from the small city who were just doing there jobs, a week ago Tuesday, and lost their lives in the process.  This small city was in the national headlines.  It's quite something to see your small city's name on the national headlines for something so devastating and incomprehensible.

The funeral procession will head over the big hill at the tail end of commute time, driving slowly in one lane, while the other is kept clear, thus blocking traffic for about an hour.  I am planning on getting up extra early tomorrow to take the earlier bus to work in anticipation of more congestion on the bus and on the roads.  My small sacrifice of a few more minutes of sleep is nothing in comparison to the sacrifice of lives made in the line of duty...or families who have been violently ripped apart.

It is expected that 6,000 law enforcement officers from around the country will be in attendance at the memorial service.  The state Governor will be there along with a recent American Idol Alumni that hails from Small City.  Small City has a newly created arena that can hold 4,000 people, which is where the memorial service was supposed to be held...but then larger city talked with small city and an arena that can seat up to 15,000 people was procured...30 miles away over the big hill.  They expect the arena to be full.

Now, one would think that small city would be amazed at the outpouring of respect and care being shown to the fallen officers and their families and be supportive of the move to the larger city, even though that means a drive for them and that the memorial service isn't in "their" town and yet...and yet...and yet.

Today, I'm praying for two families.  One who watched their mom and partner walk out the door going to her job as usual and another who said goodbye to their dad and husband like a normal day never knowing that would be the last hug, the last kiss, the last smile...

I'm praying for the families, pondering those who choose to put themselves in harms way for the good of the community and the inability humans have at times to see beyond themselves and what works for or pleases them as individuals.

Sometimes we really need to get over ourselves.

A day of reminiscing

This morning on Facebook, I saw a message from a former classmate of mine to New Sis.  It struck me as funny that the world is small enough that New Sis and former classmate met up, without my introduction, and are now Facebook friends.  Very strange.  It also got me thinking about elementary school (yes, I've known this person THAT long) and being invited to someones birthday party and what a big deal that really was when I was in elementary school.  Then I started thinking about how my mind works and how my mind has always told me I'm not likable because of a certain issue, which I really don't want to get into here and so we'll move...and no I don't want to talk about it later, thankyouverymuch.

This afternoon, again on Facebook, a high school classmate posted about another high school classmate who died suddenly.  Shock has been rippling all afternoon.  I happen to be friends with the aunt and cousin of this classmate who passed away, pretty good friends with them actually.   My classmate's husband died earlier this year in a very tragic accident, leaving her 6 months pregnant.  Which means there is a 4 month old out who is now an orphan.  Words are just failing.  Pray, if you are the praying kind, for the family, please.

Then tonight as Papa Bear and I were leaving a restaurant this guy smiled and said "Hey!  Hi!"  I know I looked at him blankly and kinda looked a Papa Bear and then realized, I KNOW HIM!  Another high school classmate, though he was a freshman when I was a senior, whom I literally haven't seen since I graduated...not saying how many years ago.

Some days I marvel at how we are all connected, how cool it is to reconnect with people, how small the world is and how unfair life can seem.  I am very glad I am not in charge.

Blogging

I woke up at 2am this morning.  I didn't really fall back into any good semblance of sleep until, well 6am, of course because I needed to be up by 6:30.  Oh well.

I woke up at 2am after dreaming about two people that I don't really know all that well.  I've met one, never met the other.  It was a funny dream, actually.  While I could picture one of them, I couldn't picture the other.  I know them because of their blogs.  The blogging world is funny, it can seem like you know someone so well because of what is written on a blog.  It's not true.  I write a few blogs, I keep a lot to myself, though a lot is told as well.

Anyway, I've read their blogs for years.  A few years back, I remember sitting in the airport in Charlotte, North Carolina reading one of these blogger's post's and crying, literally crying, for them and what was happening at that moment in time.  Crying.  For a stranger.  In an airport.  I did the same in the last year for the other blogger, the one I've met, though I wasn't in an airport.

Last night I was dreaming about these two bloggers.  I woke up worried for them and  so happy for them at the same time.  I prayed for the new things happening in their lives, for the journey God has them on and for the witness, they both are, to the world.  I also prayed for strength and protection and so much more.

I woke up at 2am, this morning, reminded that the road with God is not just paved with smooth stones, but a lot of rocks and boulders as well .  I woke up at 2am, grateful to be a witness (in a very, very loose sense of that word) to the power of God's love in the world, reminded of hope.

This world of blogging, is a little surreal sometimes.

Wake up call

Every once in a while, we all need a wake up call.  No, I don't mean someone to literally call you on the phone and wake you up from sleeping, I mean that figuratively.

Recently my wake up call came in the form of Facebook posts.  Sometimes, in the midst of my pity-party-for-one moments, I need to be reminded that my life really isn't all that difficult or awful.  I don't like that these reminders come from the real-life experiences of people I know.

A few weeks back, a High School classmate lost her husband in a car accident.  She is due with their first baby in a couple of months.

Today, another High School classmate posted on Facebook that 13 years ago she was diagnosed with breast cancer.  That came after another post about two weeks ago that stated that she was having to go back on Chemo because the cancer had returned and is now at stage 4.  She has three children.

Praying, today, for people I know whose lives have been turned upside down and who refuse to stop fighting.

17 days...

A couple of weeks ago one of the Young Adults looked at me and said, "How can you be so calm about this?  If I were you, I would be freaking out!"  To which another Young Adult said, "Yeah, it's not even me and I'm freaking out!"  My only answer has been the same these last few weeks.  I wouldn't be this calm if I didn't know, with every part of me, that God had me on this journey and that God was leading the way.  I'm not 100% confident that God has a plan, only because God has a sense of humor and told me so, but I am confident that I'm not walking this road alone.

Tonight as I was scrolling through Google Reader (which is just awesome, BTW, and is helping me break my addiction to checking blogs multiple times a day), I came across a new post at The High Calling by Gordon Atkinson...whom I first came to know as Real Live Preacher.  I'm linking to the post, but suffice to say, I echo what Gordon is saying.  Faces of people I know and people I love came to mind as I was reading his blog post.  I pray that we can all find that peace within us and I would add that peace that comes from being truly connected to the ultimate guide in life.

Lost and found

Have you ever found something that you weren't aware that you had lost?  I had that happen last week on the shores of Lake Tahoe.  As the wind blew across the lake sending waves crashing onto the rocks below, as clouds floated overhead covering the sun for sporadic moments and lizards dashed around my legs letting me know that I was in their territory, I found something I didn't know I had lost...I found my home.  Not a physical home because, clearly, I was encroaching on the lizards home, but my spiritual home.  Okay, truthfully, I didn't completely find that home until a couple of days later, but this particular day that I am talking about, I found that I had been missing my home and didn't know it was lost.

It makes sense though.  I have been lost for awhile now.  I've been going through the motions, finding glimpses of God in the midst of the mundane, feeling more and more cut off from God, really spiritually dry and extremely tired of working so hard to hear so little from God.  All it took was sitting at the lizard's doorstep and I began to feel more buoyant, lighter, free.  It was there that God and I had a conversation, there where I asked some questions, heard some answers and received confirmation.  It was there that I realized what I had lost because I was getting it back.

Praying and watching

It is always a shock to wake up to news of overnight disasters, to see footage of disaster being played out across the ocean.  Living in California, I'm familiar with earthquakes but 8.9 seems unimaginable.  The fact that Japan has had aftershocks as large as the "big" earthquake we experienced in my neck of the woods 21 years (7.1) brings back many memories of fear and a desperate prayers for the ground would just stop shaking.  I'm praying for the people in Japan that have found their lives upended today.

The news was full of Tsunami warnings here, which always brings to mind the Tsunami of 2006 in Indonesia.  Our waves didn't look that much different from normal waves but there were those couple of instances when the water receded farther than normal.  The video below is a time-lapse video of a local beach.  As I watched the news this morning, one of the surfers in the water just started walking back to shore...from a place that he shouldn't have been able to touch the ground.  It was enough to get me running to the next room to show Papa Bear the images on TV.  Nature is awe-inspiring...and fierce.  (Sorry for the commercial before the video)

One foot

One foot in front of the other
that's how I'm walking these days.
Just one foot in front of the other
testing the ground with each step
for signs of weakness,
rocks,
pits,
anything that might make me stumble,
and tumble
and fall.

One foot in front of the other
that's how she's walking these days.
Just one foot in front of the other
testing the ground with each step
finding spots of weakness,
rocks,
pits,
things that make her stumble
and tumble
and fall
down
the
hill.

One foot in front of the other
down the road of life
we all travel.
Just one foot in front of the other
all the while reaching out a hand
looking for help.
Fingers brush, barely making contact,
panic sets in on the one falling
while the other reaches, stretches out their hand
to make contact,
to remind the other
that they are not alone,
that they are not the only one
walking one foot in front of the other
praying hard that the weak spots,
the rocks,
the pits,
the hills,
will just disappear.

Praying that the path will be made clear
that the ground will be made firm
that someday instead of one foot in front of the other
there will be dancing.

Nose-dive

There are times when it's hard to believe in an all-loving, compassionate, caring God. It's usually the times when life has taken a nose-dive, when the rocks at the bottom of the valley are piercing into the deepest part of my soul. When every breath hurts because of the bumps and bruises that have come along with the nose-dive, when every movement is a reminder of the hard landing and all I really want to do is just scream at the top of my lungs "WHY IS THIS HAPPENING?!?!?!"...and receive a response to my words that makes sense. Not one of those throw away lines that are supposed to be helpful, but really aren't like"God has a plan", "God will only give you what you can handle" (ahem, that one needs to be deleted from Christianese, IMHO) or fill in the phrase that is most irritating to you, but words that make the whole situation understandable, clear and semi-acceptable.

I know that God is all-love, compassionate and caring. I really do. In the midst of tragedy, pain and suffering, though, it's really hard to believe in that God. When dealing with struggles of immense proportions, when the gritty reality of our humanness comes to light, when the fragility of life becomes overwhelmingly obvious, it just gets hard to believe.

But I do believe in that all-loving, compassionate, caring God...which in a way makes it easier to breathe, easier to scream out to God, easier to complain to and about, easier to question, easier to struggle with. It doesn't make the nose-dive any less painful, bruises any less real, but it does make it easier, even if in very small ways.

While my life isn't in a nose-dive, at the moment, my soul is raging to this all-loving, compassionate, caring God on behalf of two friends. One's husband has died, the other's husband is dying. Words cannot begin to heal their pain. Praying today for Meg and Kristin.

Okay God,

How much more? I've asked that question of you for months now. It seems like a modern-day Job story is being written and the characters in this story are tired, done. They've been beat-up, overwhelmed, stripped bare and still there's more. It's time to start a new chapter...the chapter where things start looking better, where redemption is around the corner, where life begins to feel happy again.

The chapter that started today is just ugly and painful. Really, really painful. But then you were there, you heard the cries of anguish and despair. You listened to those little girls cry out in grief. You saw it all. I believe you are crying too. That's what keeps drawing me back to you, to my belief in your sovereignty. I don't think you would let any of them really go through this alone. I know that you were in that room, that you were crying too. It doesn't stop me from asking though...haven't they suffered enough?

I'm pleading, God, on their behalf, they have had enough. They need relief, a break, some joy, something good to happen, something miraculous (you know what I'm talking about). They need good news, great news even. Tonight, God, listen to the cries of those little girls, comfort their broken hearts, begin to bring healing to them and their momma. And God, please, enough is enough...bring them hope and joy again.

I spent the day with Songfriend and Todd T. It was the first time we'd hung out since October of 2008. Way too long. But good to catch up, to sit, talk "shop" and life and be grateful for the places that life has taken me and the people I've met along the way.

The morning started at the local newspaper, getting my picture taken. They are doing a story on the Jefferson Award, which is nice. I don't need the publicity, but it did get me thinking about this community in which I grew up and have chosen to live. I'm grateful for the people who have helped shape me into the person I am, whether that be family, friends or the members of the community I've come into contact with along the way. This award isn't just about the things that I do to help others, but about the people along the way who have taught me compassion, integrity, helped shape my sense of right and wrong, encouraged me and joined with me in the journey in Pearlington. I'm very blessed.

Tonight began with the packing of my bag for trip number 9 to Pearlington. It's hard to believe that it's time already. I'm trying not to over pack but that balance between just enough stuff and too much stuff can be pretty hard. Ugh. Just put me and my bag on a plane.

Tonight is ending with the realization of how fragile life is. One of my high school friend's husband is in a medically induced coma. He has cancer and underwent a bone marrow transplant recently. There are some pretty massive side effects of the transplant taking place, resulting in the need to induce a coma...it's just not looking good. I cannot even give words to the anguish that my friend is feeling and am just praying that God will come through with a miracle. A big one.

Quick check-in

It's been a whirlwind few days and it's not slowing down yet. There are a couple of posts brewing, some fun, some serious. We'll see which one makes it out first!

In the meantime, I'm gonna be bold and ask those of you who are the praying kind to pray for my friend Karl. Some of you know him, some of you don't and I'm not going to share details, God knows them. Thanks.

Prayer part 2

Last week I wrote here asking for prayer for a school in the area. One of their students had died, the second student to die in 3 months. Today I write to ask you to step up those prayers a little more. Another student has died. Too much grief, too many questions, just too much in such a short amount of time. Words fail.

Prayer

My friend Nancy works with High School Students in a nearby town. For many, many years she has helped them write and produce a newsletter for teens-by teens. Every year there is a fresh batch of students who come on board the newsletter staff and Nancy invests her time, energy and great love to help them achieve amazing goals and tackle tough topics. I have a hard time thinking of anyone who has given more of herself to helping young people find their potential and worth, who will walk with them through really hard life stuff and who will go to the mat to fight for the young people she works with...even to the feet of God.

Over the last few years the school has had to deal with the death of a number of students due to accidents. This last December a student died after suffering a seizure on campus. As I listened to the stories of pain and grief that Nancy shared in December, my heart ached for the teens who have had to face the cold reality of death so much in such a short time.

Yesterday and today they are having to deal with it again. One of the students on Nancy's newsletter team presumably drowned yesterday. There are many things in life that are not understandable even when relying on God's wisdom and this is one of them. So today, would you pray for the students at LGHS? Pray for the parents of this young man, for those who were with him, for the administration, for the community and pray for my friend Nancy, as she grieves alongside the students that God has entrusted to her care.

Give yourself a break

Once a month during the school year ('cuz that's when it's offered) I go on a silent retreat day. I drive over the hill, as we call it in this neck of the woods, to hoity-toity land to a retreat center where two amazing people have prepared a day long prayer retreat for about 12 of us. After spending much, much time in front of computer, behind a desk, in an office, in a youth room, basically, inside, my favorite thing to do is to sit outside and pray.

So that's where I was yesterday. Sitting outside praying or not praying. Usually I feel this need to complete all the work handed to me in a timely manner, making sure to talk to God about everything written down on the piece of paper I received at the beginning of the day but not yesterday. Yesterday I put the paper down, picked up my notebook and wrote these words, "Today I give myself a break." I didn't force myself to follow the outline, to come up with words to say to God, I just sat and listened to the birds, watched the squirrels run around, pondered the drops of water from the recent rain dripping off the roof, enjoyed the feel of sunshine warming up my legs. I gave myself a break.

God showed up there. God was there all along. God spoke, I wrote. I spoke, God held. God was silent, I was silent. I don't do it very often but yesterday I gave myself a break. I highly recommend them.

Snow Trip

17 youth
5 leaders
4 cars
5+hour car ride (one way)
3 days in the snow
no chain control right now but that could change by the time we get there

prayer? thx!

Hair and pictures

Is it possible to actually feel hair turning gray? I swear I just felt more hair turn gray just a few seconds ago. There it goes again! Yes, my stress level is high. No, I don't want to blog about it. Instead I will show you a few pictures.

This is a picture of Mr. K's house in Pearlington when we left in March.

This is the picture I received over the weekend.

This is a picture of the front yellow house last December.

This is what it looked like from the backyard this weekend. The water isn't supposed to be there.

Praying for Pearlington, Galveston, Houston and all the places that Ike unleashed his fury.

Masks

I've never been a fan of masks. I take a lot of cues to how conversations or situations are going from people's facial reactions. Anything that gets in the way of my ability to "read" a person annoys me. Ask Jon-Boy. I bugged him for months about his hair being too long because it hung in front of his eyes. Masks are even worse, which is, of course the point of a mask. To hide the persons facial features and expressions from another person.

Tonight as I was praying at RAW it hit me that we all hide behind a lot of masks in life. We all have different masks for different people or situations. My church mask is much different than my family mask. The mask I wear with people I'm meeting for the first time is radically different than the mask I wear with people I've know since Jr. High. On any given day I can wear dozens of different masks depending on the places I find myself and the people I find myself with.

My masks come from a lifetime of learning. I've learned that on Sunday mornings I need my "I'm an introvert making an effort to be extroverted" mask in place during church. In new situations I put on the "I love making small talk" mask. There is the "always happy", the "I'm agreeing with you even though I think you're wrong because I want this conversation over" mask and so on and so on and so on. Some of them are pretty thin and people can see behind them easily. Some masks are so firmly in place that even I don't know that they are masks.

As I was praying I was reminded that the only one who can clearly see beyond all the masks is God. Great revelation right? Yeah, it isn't a huge surprise but it is a reminder for me that as much as I try to hide from God, God still sees. There's no way that I can keep things hidden. God may play along a little, like in the Garden of Eden when God was looking for Adam and Eve and called out "Where are you?", but really God knows every nuance of who I am, how I think and what makes me tick. That isn't a comforting thought at times, especially when I'm hiding from myself. Sooner or later God is going to start peeling away the masks, revealing what's really underneath and that, my friends is painful.

In my Come Away time this last week, God and I had a chat about an issue that we've been talking about for, oh, 10 years. It came up unexpectedly and we had a pretty heated discussion. Well, heated on my end anyway because God started to peel away a mask that I wasn't really aware that I was wearing. I think it's partly denial and partly just a need to keep myself safe from hurt and pain. Anyway the mask has been revealed and now the hard work of either keeping it in place or removing it completely begins.

Wearing masks keeps me safe sometimes from other people, but when it comes to God all masks get removed sooner or later. What mask is God revealing to you?