Over the last few weeks I've gotten used to late-late nights and later mornings, so much so that my brain really starts to work as I lay in bed, staring into the darkness wishing it were cooler in the room I'm in and telling myself it's time to sleep. The theme of my brains musings is a consistent reflection on where I've been and where I'm going. Intermingled with that is the new blog that is percolating in my head...literally another blog site...which got me thinking about why I started blogging in the first place.
I honestly can't remember when I first discovered blogging. It may have been with Real Live Preacher (which no longer exists so I'm not linking to it) to which there were links to more blogs, with more links and so on. Links are a wonderful thing! I was very much a "lurker" in the beginning, and truth be told I still am for the most part. Opinionated Friend had a blog and soon I jumped into the fray. This blog started out as a place to put my thoughts, feelings and just the randomness that is my brain. Soon I realized the tool that it could be for our Mississippi trips and I gave out the address to people to go to and find pictures and updates. It didn't occur to me until a few trips later to actually make a blog for the Mississippi trips themselves!
Giving out the address changed what I wrote here, to a certain extent but it didn't change my basic reason for blogging...just putting my thoughts in print. 552 posts later, here I am, still putting my thoughts into print. The title of the blog is very much appropriate...I am definitely on a journey. A journey through life, of faith, of understanding, of learning, a journey of hope, of disappointment, of sorrow and grief and all the ebbs and flows of the everyday mundane stuff.
Which is where my brain started really thinking about the future. The address for this blog is no longer relevant to my life. I am no longer FPres Youth Director (fpresyd). I've thought about changing it but I don't think it's worth the hassle. The big question mark is what am I? Who am I apart from what I do? That's the million dollar question of the night.
A blogging friend emailed yesterday. Her email was filled with affirmation and encouragment. I cried reading it. I've only met blogging friend once in real life and yet here she was, encouraging, affirming me in my journey. Her words sparked a thought last night, as I lay staring into the dark wondering who I am and what will I do in the future. The realization came to me that I have a hard time seeing myself working outside a church setting long-term. For whatever reason, God has hardwired me to be a church-y kind of person. I can't envision not working for a church or a church type setting...but I also know that right now isn't the time to jump back into a church position.
There's also the dilemma of not being ordained (aka a "legal" Pastor) while not feeling the urge or calling to go to Seminary. So I sit and wait and look at shorter term jobs, accept a teeny position that puts me in a church setting without being over involved (for the moment) and lay awake at night with my brain churning wondering what's next...and contemplate starting a new blog.