Inadequate

There is a voice that has been telling me a story for a very long time. Sometimes I hear the voice in the midst of wonderful moments. It says things like "You don't deserve this happiness. If people really knew what you were like, they wouldn't like you. This happiness is just a fluke, things will change." In those unhappy, stressful moments the voice says "See, didn't I tell you? Why do you think you can achieve anything? You really are very inadequate."

That voice has driven me in many, many ways. It has convinced me that I am not worthy of recognition. It has convinced me that I will fail more often that I will succeed. It has convinced me that the happiness of other's that I lead is my responsibility. The voice has convinced me that I am unworthy, unlovable and undeserving of praise.

I don't like this voice. I really don't like that this voice lives inside of me, that it comes from my own heart.

On my Come Away day God decided to confront that voice. God showed me areas in which the voice has been winning the battle, places where I set myself up for failure. God showed me places where I have triumphed and succeeded only to allow the voice to convince me that I wasn't as good as I thought or as others were saying. God was there as I cried tears of sorrow and loss, as I wrote words of apology and allowed the places of deep jealousy and envy to be unveiled. God spoke words of forgiveness, diminishing the power of the voice, if only a margin. God said "I love you. You are worthy. I am so glad I made you."

This morning I realized that I had allowed the voice to speak again, after my Come Away day. I feel right into it's trap. But God was there this morning and God was doing the revealing this morning. And God said "I love you. You are worthy. I am so glad I made you." I am beginning to believe God more than the voice.